February 24th, 7:10 pm

I have my kitchen window wide open. It is not cold. This is bliss. Perhaps Sawyer was right, last week when our back yard was invaded by 1,256 birds, those birds were bringing Spring. Please bless.

A Labor of Love

Matt-
This year for Valentine's Day I really wanted to do something that would let you know that I do notice and appreciate all the wonderful things that you do & are. I feel like I have a lot of making up to do for my pre-Proxac craziness lately. I would have punched me if I were you. But you didn't. You helped me figure out what was going on in my head & let me know that I am still a good person/wife/mom. And that it's okay to accept a little chemical help if you need it. I do. That much is clear. Life is good again. And I have you to thank for me coming to understand that. I love you more than I can ever show or say. I'm just excited that I have all eternity to try. I hope you love your personalized fortune cookies. I hope that each time you open one and read what it says, that you smile, that you remember some of the amazingly fun times we've had, or that you know how much I appreciate all the little things you do. That will make the mind-numbing tediousness of this project worth it. Some of the replacement fortunes included:
You put up with my blogging addiction.
You actively work on making our marriage better.
You bawled your eyes out during Benjamin Button.
You close the blinds for me in the morning.
I love NOT camping with you.
You watch gay crap like The Bachelor with me.
You love swimming like a freaking six year old.
You have a super sexy voice.
You put up with my love of high heels.
You make the greatest root beer floats ever.
You know when to put the Crackberry away.
I love pinching your legs with my toes.
You massage out my leg cramps in the middle of the night.
You leave cologne remnants in the kitchen in the morning. LOVE IT!
You take Sawyer to Chuck-E-Cheese on dates.
You don’t try to “fix” things when I just want to vent.
You want an old man car, not a sports car.
Thank you for being you. I love you an unquantifiable amount.
Celeste

Ice Skating

I've been wanting to take Sawyer ice skating lately. Once upon a time I was pretty much gonna go pro and then I broke my leg & never went back. DUMB. I suck. But after a lovely Charlie & Lola episode, Sawyer kept talking about ice skating & I figured I had a chance to live vicariously through my daughter & could force her into making up for my past mistakes & wussiness. Who doesn't want that? We started out optimistic. And soon melted into a pile of tears & frustration. Lovely. I'm so glad Matt was there. He told her that she had to go around with him at least 4 times before she could decide that she didn't like it. I have such a hard time knowing when to push & when to step back. I'm afraid she's a bit like me & too cautious & takes herself too seriously. She certainly is stubborn. That much is sure.

Thank You Doug & Shannon!

So getting a UPS/DHL/FedEx delivery is pretty much the MOST EXCITING thing to happen at our house.ever. Generally those things are a huge let down once they are opened because they more often than not contain some sort of golfing paraphernalia that Matt has purchased off of Bradsdeals.com or somewhere. But today? Today our package included the endless joy that is a coloring book, stickers & candy watches. Holy Crow! My sister-in-law Shannon is such a freaking doll! It couldn't have arrived on a better day either, I have this icky, vauge sickness that I really wish would decide to really be sick or not. My lymph nodes are visible from space & hurt really bad & they are sucking all my energy. Anyway, between a playdate with Megan & a Valentine's Day package from Doug & Shannon, it actually was a do-able day.

How I spent my Saturday night. (instead of planning my Young Womens lesson.)

How is it possible that I have never heard of these people before?

getting sick of looking at that video...

...but I couldn't think of anything noteworthy to write, so imagine my happiness when Kierstin tagged me! It's that "find the fourth folder in your pictures file, and post the fourth picture in that folder" thing. Anyway, here it is: my baby-babe on her first snowmobile-into-the-cabin-for-New-Years trip. She was fourteen months old and was so good on the ride in that I kinda freaked out & made everyone stop until I made sure she was okay. It was really late at night & really, really cold & she was sandwiched between Matt & I on the snowmobile & didn't make a peep. She's just a trooper. This picture is of her first Oreo experience, and her face is a hot mess behind that sippy cup. What a babe. She's just the funnest kid. Oh, that reminds me, another installement of "from the mouth of a total babe" happened today. I was making a batch of buttercream and she was playing with play-doh & we were listening to a mix cd Paisa left at our house. It was an Akon song & she asked "who is dis singing, Mom?"
"his name is Akon, baby."
"oh, I love Akon. What is his last name?" (didn't even know she was aware that there were first & last names.)
"I don't know. I think that his name is just Akon."
"oh, that is so sad."
I love that she feels bad for people who only have one name. Such a sweetie. I'm glad to see that she is properly developing empathy. Quite advanced, actually. :)
(yes, I am aware that this is probably a stage name, but I didn't want to explain pseudonoms to her at this time, sooo...)

Oh, and now I tag whoever wants to do this tag. You know the drill.

I don't know why I'm posting this.

actually, yeah, it's for Melissa & my parents who requested it.

It was fun though, but I don't really see myself with a future in television. I felt like Ricky Bobby from Talledega Nights the whole time. Bless Will Ferrell's heart, I love him.

BLESS HIS LIL HEART

Hey, if nearly every single second of your life was on film, you'd have some bloopers too!

The news might be a little more boring & biased now. If that's possible.

alright! alright! I'll go!

k, so I just booked my Taiwan trip, thanks for slapping me upside the head with your comments. Just a quick note to say that I will be on Studio 5 tomorrow at 11 am. My good buddy Jessica, amazing photographer that she is, has asked me to assist her with her segment on taking a good picture. So yeah, that pretty much guarantees that I will look like a total obese slob and have a zit or two and a bad hair day, so tune in, if for nothing else than the sheer entertainment value. (oh, and the fact that Miss Jessica is freaking amazing and will have all sorts of lovely tips.)

yo dukie

call me easily entertained, but this is still freaking funny to me. I 'specially love when the Boy Wonder stands there waving with both hands! ha ha!
Something on American Idol tonight reminded Matt & I of it & I just thought I would share.

indecisive is my middle name. No, wait, it's on-the-fence. No, it's vacillating.

oh I don't know. A while back my darling parents sent out an email to their children wondering if perhaps anyone would be interested in visiting them on their mission before they come home. Now we all know I love to travel, so I checked it out. I threw up a little when I thought about a 13 hour flight in coach; then threw up a little more when I saw the prices for first class. That's about as far as it went. Until Saturday night. Matt was singing a little bit of "She's Like The Wind" to me as we drifted off to sleep, and I mentioned that it was really the beautiful, multi-talented, tragically cancerous Patrick Swayze who sang that delightful number on the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. He didn't believe me, so we made a bet & all of a sudden I hear myself saying that if I'm right (which I of course am) I get to go to Taiwan to see my parents. Huh. Didn't even know I seriously even wanted to, but apparently I do. Granted Taiwan isn't up there with Africa, Ireland and Italy on my never ending list of places I want to go. Or Greece. Or Tahiti. Or Bail. Or Australia. Or Belize. Moving on. But having a whole week with my parents all to myself before the craziness of them being home? Seeing these two darling but not exactly world-traveling people out in the REAL world??? That alone would be worth it. Even to see my Dad trying to stomach some of the funky food they have there would be totally worth it. This is pretty much a once in a lifetime shot. I'm sure that if I don't take this chance, their next mission will be to like, Ohio or somewhere.
So why am I having such a hard time committing to it?
it's a lot of money/skymiles points but I'm sure it would totally be worth every single one. What do you think? Should I go? Kinda want to save up all my pennies & take my darling, patient, sweet, jewel of a husband on a golf trip somewhere. It doesn't seem fair that I would leave him & Sawyer at home in the snow while I go play with Grandma & Grandpa in 90 degree weather. I am a very lucky girl to even be contemplating this prospect though.

the reason behind the churro/beach comment

We spent last weekend in amazingly beautiful southern California, as part of Sawyer's Christmas with a few days at Disneyland/California Adventure, a day cruising around all of Matt's mom's Susie's old haunts (she came with us, and wanted to show us that she did actually-factually spend a portion of her formative years in Compton) and a paradisaical half-day at the beach in Santa Monica. Santa Monica has a big fat cushy soft spot in my heart from here on out. This dubious honor originally stemmed from a little place called Vanilla Bakeshop, what has the most unbelievable cupcakes and most gorgeous cakes of all time. But if you keep going west on Wilshire (after wiping the drool from their bakery case) and spending a week of your caloric allowance on key lime, blackberry passion fruit and bittersweet dark chocolate cupcakes, you'll find that you run into the most idyllic So Cal beach of all time. Not that it's all pristine & free of other people; it's packed, but the people are all either playing volleyball, playing with their kids at the playground, rollerblading with their dogs, riding low-rider bikes, flying kites, eating crazy good burritos, or jogging with their dogs, or playing Frisbee with their dogs. Let's just say it's a weeee bit more dog-friendly than Layton. And I love it. That is where I would go to sell my churros.
Anyway, the main point of the trip was to take Sawyer on her first Disneyland excursion, and we couldn't have taken her at a better time. She was just full of delight and joy the entire time, resulting in delighted, joyful parents & Grandma. There was actually a point where I honestly teared up from joy. Matt had the forethought to go ahead & stand behind Tinkerbell & when Sawyer came around the corner & saw her, he got these great pictures of her running up & nearly knocking the poor little thing over! Is that not the cutest thing you have ever seen?!?
The princesses that we met were totally the highlight for me as well as for Sawyer. They were so sweet to her & looked freakishly similar to their respective character. It was really nice that Sawyer is such an Amazon girl, she was tall enough to ride every ride & brave enough to as well. She laughed through the Matterhorn, held our hands on Pirates of the Caribbean and was only a little freaked out by the acid-trip that is the Alice in Wonderland ride. I think she mostly loved our "Dining with Princesses" experience.




Grandma Shoosie!
Look at that sky. The ocean. The grass. The soft yummy sand. If you squint real hard you can almost see my churro cart. Maybe I'll rent roller blades too, it looked like that would be quite lucrative.
My favorite thing Sawyer says right now is this: "Mom! I have a great idea!" When she followed it up with "make a snow angel! But in the sand!" I think I fell a little more in love with her.
Sawyer voiced my feelings upon leaving the beach very accurately (except for the fact that I generally wear my sunglasses right side up.) We all had so much fun & were so grateful that Grandma Susie was able to come with us. I think I've become an official die hard Disney fan, I just saw a Disney World commercial & got all excited to take her there. Maybe Grandma & Grandpa Miller would come with us? :)

does anyone else...

..ever just want to be left alone for like a week?
..feel evil that they don't want to share all of their food with their 3 year old? (who refuses to eat her own lunch, but squawks like a bird until I feed her some of mine.)
..wonder if they even could mentally handle the second child that they've been trying for for a year?
..feel evil for thinking these things because their child actually is an unbelievably good girl?
..occasionally think that motherhood is not all it's cracked up to be in the satisfaction department?
..get retardedly sick of doing the same housekeeping, child-rearing tasks over and over and over day after day?
..think that blogging, bless it's heart, has made it all that much easier for them to compare their own worst selves to everyone else's best selves?
..feel like such a peice of crap for a mom somedays?
I'M SOOOO SICK OF FEELING LIKE THIS!!!!!
Am I just some insecure, selfish, stupid woman? Sometimes I just want to run away to the beach & sell churros.

There it is.
On my blog.
For all the world to see.

freaking amazing!

my good buddy Jessica (or Gessika, as Sawyer calls her) is pretty much amazing at everything she puts her mind to, but particularly photography. I was lucky enough to be asked to be the guinea pig for a fun little photoshoot for Jess & her friend, the also amazing Sara. Also lucky was the fact that Sawyer fell asleep on the way to meet them & slept for an hour while I blissfully pretended I was still a model. Then she woke up and was an onery pickle-butt. But they did manage to get some very cute shots of her anyway, thanks in part to the miracle known as a slinky. So go check them out, because Sawyer is retardedly cute. Thanks so much you guys, we'd be happy to be your models anytime at all!

New Year's at the Lake House

So, our friends Danny & Jessica have repeatedly invited us to Jessica's parent's lake house in Sandpoint Idaho, and we haven't been able to go, so when Matt decided that work wouldn't allow him to go over New Year's, Sawyer & I just decided to bite the bullet & go anyway. As much as I hated being without Matt for not only New Year's Eve, but also BOTH of our anniversaries (wedding & sealing), it was totally worth it. And, as Matt said, we kinda do a good job of celebrating our marriage every day, so anniversaries are kinda just a formality. It was fine.
Let me just say that this is kinda the place that you see in movies & it never happens in real life. The house reminded me of that unbelievable house in Somethings Gotta Give. It is right on Lake Pend Oreille, about 40 miles south of the Canadian border. You can either fly into Spokane & drive an hour or drive 10 delightful hours on icy mountain passes through parts of Montana where we experienced lovely -21 degrees cold. Actually, it's 10 beautiful summery hours; 12-14 icy wintery hours. Other than that icky drive everything was deeevine! Sandpoint is an adorable little town with fun antique stores, ridiculous Mexican food and great people. The Rands, Jessica's parents, are some of the most kind & loving people you will ever have the pleasure of meeting. They are crazy generous and super fun to be around, as evidenced by the fact that they had nearly 30 of their friends & family stay the week with them. There's the main house with room to sleep 18 people minimum, the 3 bedroom cottage, and the 3 story tree house with a king sized bed. This tree house is unbelievable, it was featured on one of those "crazy houses" shows on the travel channel. This is the middle floor bedroom with Sawyer and Becky enjoying the bed.This is Sawyer and her newest boyfriend, Sam, up in the top floor lookout of the treehouse.This is the bathroom in the tree house, nearly completely covered in copper. The guy who built this said that his concept for the bathroom was "a place where you could shower, shave & shit without moving your feet." Pretty spot-on, the whole place is waterproof because it's all part of the shower. This is my new best friend Wilson. I love dogs and he is one of the better ones.After some fantastic New Year's advice from Jessica's darling autistic brother, Tyler, we were ready to rock. (p.s. his advice was that it would be disgraceful and a waste of our precious time to just have a party, and that we would be better served by watching all of his 56 Thomas the Tank Engine DVDs.) New Year's Eve was wonderful. Without my wonderful husband there to bug me, I was able to go to bed with Sawyer at like eight, sleep for a few hours, then wake up to party when the dance party became un-sleep-throughable. The food was super good, I seriously gained five pounds in four days. Not even kidding. There were a whole bunch of teenage girls there, so we had a huge dance party all night & it was super fun. And yes, I did let my daughter sleep through the entire party. Apparently Sawyer has the rare talent to sleep through an atom bomb. I hope it serves her well. At some point we decided that dancing from a prone position would be best. Jessica's sister, MacKenzie hands-down won the cutest socks contest. I totally want those & I HATE socks. Thanks so much Jess & Danny & Becky & Jon!!!! We love you & hope to come to the lake house again, maybe with less snow, more jet skiing.

Speaking of jet skiing, here is a little new year's gift for those of you who have read this entire long, blabbling, not-particularly-well-written post....

The amount of love I feel for Daniel Tosh is a little insane.

From the mouth of a total babe

I've been keeping a little pile of scraps of paper whereon I have hastily written down the hilarious things that Sawyer has been saying lately. She makes me laugh my head off multiple times a day. Here are just a few.
-Sawyer was jabbering in the car one day about her cousins & I commented that it was so nice that we get to see our Davis cousins so often & that Grandma Susie always has such fun family parties, to which Sawyer replied that "Grandma Susie is like Jesus.... and SANTA!" Probably the greatest compliment a child can bestow upon anyone.... ever!
-We were trying to have family prayer a few nights ago & Sawyer was not feelin' it. When we asked her to say the prayer, she ran off to her room & came back with a page ripped out of one of her little note books & handed it to me, explaining that it was a "no prayers" ticket. We had the prayer without her & apparently she felt bad about it because by the time we were done she came back with a "yes prayers" ticket.
-I have no idea where this one came from, but here goes.... one day while she was on the potty doing her business, she goes "mom, we don't have to fight for our bums... Jesus fought for our bums for us!" Perhaps there was a lesson about the atonement in nursery???? I have seriously no idea!
-Today Sawyer & I were doing a little crafty project together & Sawyer put a little heart sticker on hers & scribbled all around it. She told me that it said "I love Danny." I couldn't quite understand her & said "you love Daddy?" to which she said "NO, I love DANNY!!!!" Danny is Matt's friend whom we spent the weekend with, apparently he left quite an impression on her. Hopefully Matt doesn't have his feelings hurt over that; rest assured that she does indeed love Daddy as well as Danny.

There will be more.

Just in case you were wondering....

Wed Jan 7Sunny 71° 47° 0%

Thu Jan 8Sunny 69° 45° 0%

Fri Jan 9Sunny 70° 44° 0%

Sat Jan 10Sunny 70° 46° 0%

Sun Jan 11Sunny 72° 48° 0%

This is the forecast for Anaheim this week while we are there taking Sawyer to Disneyland for her first time. Let's just say that this more than makes up for the freaking NEGATIVE TWENTY degrees that I experienced this weekend in Idaho. Is it possible to be jealous of yourself?

A Very Merry Christmas! in absolutely no logical order.

This is the manliest way to open presents. Magnum or Blue Steel?
Sawyer was pleased with her "first computer" and has been playing with it non-stop.
The pink bathrobe also went over like gangbusters.Cute Brittany enjoying an unexpectedly fun Christmas with us here in Utah... in the snow... with the Mormons... otherwise all by herself. What a champ she is to put up with us.
Matt thought it would be funny to pretend I was a pirate & give me a treasure chest full of "gold dubloons" instead of my requested gift cards. Believe me, they don't spend the same.

Due to the drop in mortgage rates, Matt has been working like c.r.a.z.y., and we weren't able to go to Idaho for Christmas as planned, which worked out okay because we had lovely cabinet and countertop installers who wanted to do our basement on Christmas Eve & the day after. So yeah, it was fine. Plus, our cute friend Brittany kinda got ditched on Christmas & so we had her over for Christmas. Honestly that was the best part of the whole holiday, we didn't even know that her boyfriend had ditched her & flown home a few days earlier until Christmas eve afternoon, so we scrambled around for some gifts & stocking stuffers & made her sleep over and hang out with all of us crazies the next day. She really is awesome and has more faith & courage than I have ever even thought possible. We will see what happens but right now it looks like she might be the reason we've felt impressed to finish our basement faster than seems logical. I hope she takes us up on the offer..... we'll see.

go now.

We saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button last night. It was Susie's birthday & all her kids & their spouses went to the Mandarin & had one the more enjoyable dinners ever. Then we went to this movie and oh my goodness.... is it bad of me to admit that of the two of us, my husband was the one who dissolved into a blubbering pile of goosh? That is not to say that I wasn't a bit weepy myself. This is without a doubt one of the most beautiful movies of all time. I will be reading the book asap. Cate Blanchett is amazing. Brad Pitt is amazing. Makeup artists are AMAZING & this movie made me really wish that I had followed through on my plan to move to LA & become one. Anyway, it is beautiful & touching & beautiful & amazing. And beautiful. Worth every bit of the 3 hours.

new year's resolutions

mostly they are a joke right? well, if yours include (like 90% of the world) losing weight, eating better or just trying some healthier habits, I think you'd really benefit from a fantastic article I just read in my Women's Health magazine. I completely HEART this mag. I love, love, love to work out, so technically, my body should be absolutely rocking, right? Well, it is not. It's healthy & strong & that's great & all, but there is a bit much in the padding department & it's is time for that to go. My friend Katie at my gym & I were talking a few weeks ago & she said that weight loss/maintenance is really 80% nutrition & only 20% exercising! I guess I really need to own up to my crappy habits. Plus, I hate how I feel when I am eating all unconciously & out of control-y. At this point, it isn't even about getting back into my True Religion jeans, I have had it up to HERE with my poor eating habits! By the way, those True Religions, along with 5 or 6 of my most lovely (pricey) jeans that I don't exactly fit into right now... my "skinny" jeans? Yeah, they just went to my friend Kierstin's house, to become her "fat" jeans after she had a baby. Nice, huh? Stupit skinny hooker. (just kidding.)
Anyway, the point of this post, is to share some things that are probably complete no-brainers for most people, (Kierstin) but for me & the other will-power challenged people out there, they might be complete revelations. Just thought I'd share.

#1 Ramp up your resolve

One reason most diets fail is that long-term goals can be deceptively difficult: When the plan is to watch what you eat for the next six months, chugging one caramel latte with whipped cream seems like a minor slip. To avoid that kind of thinking, commit to eating well for a fixed amount of time that you're 100 percent confident you can manage, even if it's just a few days. (I'll be going one day at a time myself.)
"Once you make it to your goal date, start over," says Mary Vernon, M.D., chair of the board of the American Society of Bariatric Physicians. "This establishes the notion that you can be successful and gives you a chance to notice that eating better makes you feel better, reinforcing your desire to continue."

#2 Find meaningful motivation

If the main purpose of your diet is cosmetic--i.e., to look amazing in boy shorts--you're unlikely to stick with it for the long haul.
The solution: "Arm yourself with additional motivators," says Jeff Volek, Ph.D., R.D., of the University of Connecticut. He suggests keeping a daily journal in which you monitor migraines, heartburn, acne, canker sores, and sleep quality in addition to body measurements and the number on the scale. (I'm totally doing that!)
"Discovering that your new diet improves the quality of your life and health is powerful motivation," Volek says.

#3 Move on after a mistake

OK, you overindulged. What's the next step? "Forget about it," says James Newman, a nutritionist at Tahlequah City Hospital, in Tahlequah, Oklahoma, who followed his own advice to shed 300 pounds. (That's right, three hundred.) "One meal doesn't define your diet, so don't assume that you've failed or fallen off the wagon," he says.
Institute a simple rule: Follow any "cheat" meal with at least five healthy meals and snacks. That ensures that you'll be eating right more than 80 percent of the time.

#4 Roll out of bed and into the kitchen

Sure, you've heard this advice before. But consider that if you sleep for six to eight hours and then skip breakfast, your body is essentially running on fumes by the time you get to work. And that sends you desperately seeking sugar, which is usually pretty easy to find. (This one, I actually don't struggle with, thanks Mom! I love breakfast & have no problem making good choices at this point.)
The most convenient foods are typically packed with sugar (doughnuts, lattes) or other quickly digested carbohydrates (McMuffins, cinnamon buns). Which brings us to our next strategy.

#5 Restock your shelves

How many times have you driven to the store in the middle of the night to satisfy a craving? Probably not nearly as often as you've raided the fridge. You're more likely to give in to a craving when the object you desire is close at hand. So make sure it's not: Toss the junk food and restock your cupboard and fridge with almonds and other nuts, cheese, fruit and vegetables, and canned tuna, chicken, and salmon. And do the same at work.
"By eliminating snacks that don't match your diet and providing plenty that do, you're far less likely to find yourself at the doughnut-shop drive-thru or the vending machine," says Christopher Mohr, Ph.D., R.D., president of Mohr Results, a fitness and nutrition consulting firm in Louisville, Kentucky. (Now if I could just stop baking crap to eat. I guess I just need to instantly give it away or something. Leave a comment to be placed on that list.)

#6 Think like a biochemist

Cookies made with organic cane juice might sound like something your yoga teacher would eat, but they won't help her fit into her Lycra pants. Junk food by any other name is still junk. Ditto for lots of "health foods" in the granola aisle. "Natural" sweeteners like honey raise blood sugar just like the white stuff.
"If you're going to eat cookies, accept that you're deviating from your plan, and then revert to your diet afterward," Berkowitz says. Kidding yourself will only get you into trouble. (I love that. I totally need to quit "kidding myself" about pretty much everything I put into my face.)

#7 Spot hunger impostors

Have a craving for sweets even though you ate just an hour ago? Imagine sitting down to a large, sizzling steak instead. "If you're truly hungry, the steak will sound good, and you should eat," says Richard Feinman, Ph.D., a professor of biochemistry at SUNY Downstate Medical Center in Brooklyn, New York. "If it doesn't sound good, your brain is playing tricks on you." (Genius! Dur! I love this idea.)
His advice: Change your environment, which can be as easy as stretching at your desk or turning your attention to a different task.

Anyway, I know it's not even Christmas yet, but I am way excited to make these changes & quit stressing about "dieting" and just create better lifetime habits. So yeah, there ya go, hope you learned something! Hopefully you'll see how well I'm doing soon! Kierst, I'm gonna need those jeans back! ;