Heck, I don't even want to hear it anymore. But after a particularly "challenging" morning with Sawyer, I have to vent or else I think I might spontaneously combust, and then who would pick her up from preschool?
I am TERRIFIED to have this baby.
Is that okay to say? Take for instance a morning such as this. How in the wide, wide world of sports am I supposed to deal with Sawyer, much less parent with patience, while I also have a squirmy, needy little infant & probably no sleep?
That I could not murder one of my loved ones at some point seems to me a mathematical impossibility.
And the suckiest thing of all is that I feel like I have zero appropriate options of people to vent to.
My husband is obviously my standard go-to guy, but he's got his plate way more than full with work & stuff right now, and it's one of those times where I would much rather attempt to swallow whatever ickiness I have going on & try to create a home that is restful for him to come home to. Notice I used the word "attempt". Rarely do I succeed in that venture.
Then you have any of my close friends...my high school friends are all successfully rocking 4 kids. I would feel more than a little stupid voicing my anxiety over my 1.5 kids.
I have a few girlfriends whose lives more closely match my own, pregnant with one kid, but I hesitate to talk to them because they:
a) are incredibly sick with their pregnancies, and me with my little la-dee-dah easy pregnancy should probably just shut up
b) are running successful businesses or working full time in addition
c) are freaking amazing moms who attend the temple weekly, crochet baby booties for the homeless shelters, bake cupcakes for Haiti..... you get the picture
d) have struggled with infertility or miscarriage, and have the sense (unlike me) to just be grateful that seed has finally found shelter in their rocky shore of a womb.
or e) some combination thereof.
And then there's my mom... another excellent option normally, but I'm just not ready this morning to deal with reason & practicality.
It seems like life is just not all it's cracked up to be sometimes & I'd really like to go curl up in the fetal position (if that were physically possible for me to do anymore) and have a good cry in some dark corner of my basement. That is a luxury I cannot afford right now. There's stuff to do & not enough time to do it in. Sometimes I feel like a rat running on a wheel going nowhere with a whole lot of effort. Sometimes I feel completely, totally incapable of doing all that is going to be required of me in the extremely near future.