Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Who do you talk to when no one wants to hear it?

Heck, I don't even want to hear it anymore. But after a particularly "challenging" morning with Sawyer, I have to vent or else I think I might spontaneously combust, and then who would pick her up from preschool?

I am TERRIFIED to have this baby.

Is that okay to say? Take for instance a morning such as this. How in the wide, wide world of sports am I supposed to deal with Sawyer, much less parent with patience, while I also have a squirmy, needy little infant & probably no sleep?

That I could not murder one of my loved ones at some point seems to me a mathematical impossibility.

And the suckiest thing of all is that I feel like I have zero appropriate options of people to vent to.
My husband is obviously my standard go-to guy, but he's got his plate way more than full with work & stuff right now, and it's one of those times where I would much rather attempt to swallow whatever ickiness I have going on & try to create a home that is restful for him to come home to. Notice I used the word "attempt". Rarely do I succeed in that venture.

Then you have any of my close friends...my high school friends are all successfully rocking 4 kids. I would feel more than a little stupid voicing my anxiety over my 1.5 kids.
I have a few girlfriends whose lives more closely match my own, pregnant with one kid, but I hesitate to talk to them because they:
a) are incredibly sick with their pregnancies, and me with my little la-dee-dah easy pregnancy should probably just shut up
b) are running successful businesses or working full time in addition
c) are freaking amazing moms who attend the temple weekly, crochet baby booties for the homeless shelters, bake cupcakes for Haiti..... you get the picture
d) have struggled with infertility or miscarriage, and have the sense (unlike me) to just be grateful that seed has finally found shelter in their rocky shore of a womb.

or e) some combination thereof.

And then there's my mom... another excellent option normally, but I'm just not ready this morning to deal with reason & practicality.

It seems like life is just not all it's cracked up to be sometimes & I'd really like to go curl up in the fetal position (if that were physically possible for me to do anymore) and have a good cry in some dark corner of my basement. That is a luxury I cannot afford right now. There's stuff to do & not enough time to do it in. Sometimes I feel like a rat running on a wheel going nowhere with a whole lot of effort. Sometimes I feel completely, totally incapable of doing all that is going to be required of me in the extremely near future.


AndersonFamily said...

i can honestly say that if you were not having such feelings i would think you were a major league wierdy :) i bet even your friends successfully rocking 4 kids have had their days when they feel exactly the same as you do or worse!!! i for one have had more days like that than i like to admit where i sit amid a messy house with 2 whiny kids and the panicked thought that if i do not get out of here someone is going to die today!!!! you can call me and vent anytime!! i would love to hear all about it! :) cause i know where your coming from and sadly some days will be like that but others will be such heaven that you will know exactly why you put up with the other days!! i love you and hope you are ok!

Lisa said...

Not sure if it helps to tell you that I am feeling hugely overwhelmed and terrified too?!

Lynette said...

Um yeah, the thought of having another kid right now terrifies me. So I'll just stick with my one kid for a while.

Kierstin said...

K, I do not meet ANY of those requirements on your list, so WHY DON'T YOU CALL ME!?! Freak, Celeste. Really, you know I would love to listen to you vent...I've always loved to listen to you vent because I know it helps in the end. Seriously, you could say anything, and I would understand and be there. Call if you want, if not, know that I'm thinking about you and that I love your face. Even 1.5 kids is extremely stressful at times... and every mommy deserves to complain and be bitchy sometimes. xo

Ashley Thalman said...

As trite as it sounds, this trite is true- the Lord will provide.

I have had a hard time adjusting the the idea of 2 under 2 myself but a few days ago, after beating myself up about it, I realized that most of my strife is coming from the reality that number one, I don't love this baby as much as I will and number two, I don't know how to be a mom to two yet. Love and the new title and responibilities will come and though it will be hard, I know I (and you) will figure it out- struggles and all!

Why? Because we kick A!

Melissa said...

Is there anything we can say to help?
Sometimes I wonder if things I say help or make it worse you know.
*You're not alone?
*I feel like this more often than not. The overwhelmingsness.
*I think it's healthy to vent.
*No ones judging
*Parenting is bloody hard work
*There'll be more good times than bad.
*Keep being aware of your emotions and working through them.
*Sawyer might be easier eventually with a sibling
*Just do the best you can
*You'll grow from this more than you'll know, which will make you that much better of a person.
*Parenting is bloody hard work.
*Good luck
*You can do it, we can win
*Try to remember what you're grateful for
*I love you

the Lola Letters said...

Thanks for being real and human.

I feel like I'm barfing up (and um... you know...on the other end...too) rainbows these days because of all the baby joy, but seriously - my kid is currently gone all day at First Grade and will be in SECOND GRADE 2 weeks after baby gets here!

I get to sleep all day and my home-based-business-owning-husband makes all of my meals, takes Kort to play at McDonald's (ew, I know) on days when I feel like crap, and then comes home, puts Kort to bed, makes me a chocolate milkshake, and rubs my tummy while we watch LOST.

Life is pretty darn cushy and wonderful these days (hence my current rainbows and kittens and sunshine till you wanna puke state of blogdom)

... but... I'm sick and tired, and hormonal, and not sleeping well, and if you were to put a sassy "mind of her own" 3 year old in my house, I would go from 0 to homicidal in, oh, I don't know, 2.3 seconds! You are the BEST! And you can do this - even if it's hard - because YOU of all people can do hard things!

Now bring that sassy (darling) little turd of yours down my way and let's go get some cupcakes!