Tuesday, January 30, 2007

the out of control stampeeding project

Last night Matt had the thought that I should speak to Spencer Reynolds, an old family friend, about his leadership training project possibly being my platform for the pageant. So I called him to get more information on what he was doing, and 45 minutes later, I'm hooked. He has been doing some workshops/presentations in high schools about leadership skills and financial literacy. He is working on getting a nonprofit organization set up pro bono by an attorney so that he can really make this a huge deal. He has an amazing vision for what he wants to do, and would need non-profit status so that people would be willing to contribute. I told him I would love to be involved and bring attention to his idea through my platform statement as well as an ad in the program book at the pageant. I really didn't have any interest in winning the pageant up until now because it would mean I would have to devote a lot of time and energy to my platform and being Mrs. Utah over the next year, but now, I REALLY want to win BECAUSE I want to work on this with the added outreach that the title of Mrs. Utah will bring. I am afraid Spencer will think I'm hi-jacking his program, but I really would love to especially work with these high school girls in encouraging them to not be afraid to be real leaders and acheive everything they are capable of; to become educated, not just go to college to meet a husband. I really think that girls in this community need that message. I love being a stay at home mom, but I will be forever grateful that I had the opportunity to graduate from college. And I actually am using my degree everyday as Sawyer's mom. But it's really hard to stay motiviated with doing something so big outside of my "easy" life as a homemaker/wedding cake designer. It's intimidating. Like I said yesterday, I've had a lot of feelings like I don't have anything to contribute to the world at large, and today I was really struggling with that, and deciding whether I want to become involved in this because it will take a lot of my time and will be extremely challenging. Anyway, I was having a little prayer about it this morning, and the hymm "Because I have been given much" came into my head. I really feel like I have an obligation to serve because I have been so blessed. I think about how amazingly supportive and awesome Susie has been to me particularly getting me through college, and I would be so ungrateful if I didn't at least try to have the same effect on others. Then I read my patriarchial blessing, and oh boy, am I in for a life changing commitment. It said: "There will be many opportunities which will come to you to bless the lives of others. Through your talents, your intellect and your abilities, you will be an important guide and help to many. You will bless the lives of the young ones and the youth." Okay, well, I feel totally unprepared, but whatever. I know Heavenly Father will bless me with strength to do whatever it is that I am supposed to do. So, I am trying to get motivated not only to get sponsors and do pageant stuff, but now I have this whole beast of getting involved in Spencer's "Start Leadership" program. Geez Louise.

Monday, January 29, 2007

having some doubts

arrrggghh, today is hard. I have been so stoked about this pageant, and I knew this would happen, but my enthusiasim is waning today. It's gonna be a lot of work. Finding sponsors, getting out there and asking people for money. Finding a dress that works for me. Coming up with a platform that is consice and that I am passionate about, and that is actually something that, should I win Mrs. Utah, I could really do some good with. I am having all these feelings like "I don't have anything to contribute, why would anyone want to take advice from or look to me for help?" I don't feel like I have the people skills to win anyone over, whether it's the judges or potential sponsors. This really sucks. I am not usually like this. That orientation on Saturday was really great, I left feeling pumped and part of something bigger and excited about meeting new girlfriends and growing. It almost felt like a testimony meeting or something, each of the directors and the current Mrs. Utah (who I met for the first time finally and absolutley love) all spoke about how much the pageant had changed them and how much they loved it, and were able to use it as a springboard to get their various platforms the attention that they need. I really feel like this is something I need to do, it's so much more than just pretty girls trying to be prettier than the next. arrrgghhh I wish I could dredge up my motivation again, and get going on this. I WILL NOT let this be another item on my list of stuff I wish I had stuck with. Speaking of sticking with things, Sawyer is sticking to her no afternoon nap petition, I'd better go get her up.

Sunday, January 28, 2007


Friday night Matt & I went to dinner at Z. Tejas (YUMMY!) with my parents, and that was nice, until I regressed back into super-wench at my mom. How do I learn to not be such an irritable jerk? My mom is so super nice, and for some reason it really bugs me at times. Sawyer had a diaper emergency, and I had to go down to the car in the parking garage at the Gateway, a place where I feel completely comfortable, (worked there long enough) and when she offered to walk down with me because she would worry, I got sooooo annoyed. I know, I'm a jerk. When am I going to outgrow this? I've been so irritated at Matt all weekend, too. I need to stop. Any suggestions? Anyway, on the way home from the Gateway, Brock and Jordan called, they had both forgotten and/or lost their wallets, and were at Olive Garden by our house and needed to be bailed out of dish-doing duty. We had them stay over and watched Superman Returns after they ate us out of house & home. (Just kidding, guys) I looked at it as a challenge, actually, my reheating leftovers skills were at their peak, and I could do no wrong. Eventually my work paid off, and about midnight they said they were finally full. I love those guys so much, I cannot believe my nephews are such rockstars and rolemodels. They are room mates at BYU this year until Jordan goes on his mission in April, and they are loving it. This picture is old, and compared to Blaine (guy on the left) they look tiny, but they are HUGE, I wish I had taken pictures on Friday.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

sometimes i worry...

Sawyer and I went to the mall today. I'm looking for stuff for the pageant, and particularly an outfit for this orientation on Saturday, first impression gear, ya know? Anyway, I didn't really find what I was looking for, but that certainly doesn't mean I didn't buy anything. Granted I only spent like $67 dollars, but the feeling that I got each time I passed the plastic over was so frighteningly satisfying. I am starting to worry about myself, and that I am a shopaholic that just hasn't had sufficient resources for her addiction to come out. I bought a really cute business card holder that was originally $26 and I got it for $7.80! I can hear Matt right now "ya gotta spend it to save it, don't ya, princess?" Whatever that means. jk. And my $45 jeans were only thirty, and the really, really cute $34 shirt rang up as $24, so it isn't like I'm out of control. It just felt so good, and that was a little weird. I've heard it said somewhere that shopping for women is like porn for guys, it activates the same endorphins that make it just as addicting. Kinda scary to me because I don't want to be one of those pathetic women who are always shopping to fill some void in their lives. Anyway, what else? Oh, I'm the young women's basketball coach in our ward, and my girls won their first game tonight, despite my lack of coaching skills. I was all excited to come home and watch Earl & the Office, but they were old, so that sucked, then my parents came over to visit, and it was nice to see them. I cannot get enough of this book I'm reading, I Know This Much Is True. The language is actually appalling, I'm not really recommending it to people because I don't want to offend anyone, but the story is so well woven, shocking at times, and I guess technically it should be depressing, but it isn't for some reason. It is so good. It's over 800 pages long and thank goodness because it's one that I am sure I will slow down reading along at the end just to make it last longer. Come to think of it, that's what I'm going to go do now. Bye.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

yeah for today

today was such a good day; you know how some days you're just on your A-game, getting stuff done and all that? Sawyer seems to have outgrown her 2nd nap, so we're trying a new schedule, which actually is great because it allows me to spend more time at the gym in the morning which I need to do to get ready for the pageant. I made a healthy breakfast for everyone, and we finally had family scriptures. Sawyer and I went to the gym, had lunch and then she went down for her nap. While she was sleeping I was able to do some stuff around the house that I've been meaning to do for a long time and I threw some yummy stuff in the crock pot for dinner. Matt & I went to the temple while Caroline watched Sawyer. It's been a while since we've been, and it was really nice to escape the world for a while and be in such a peaceful place, and focus on serving others rather than myself or my family. I haven't been able to spend near enough time with Matt today, but when he comes home from basketball we'll be able to hang out for a while. I am trying really hard to find clothes for the pageant, and it is hard, there aren't very many modest dresses, I may have to have something made or altered. I wish I could take my wedding dress, dye it a sexy blue, red or green and cut the train off. On Oprah today she had people list 5 adjectives for their marriage, and mine were trusting, dependable, fun, good team, growth. It makes me so sad to hear these other people describing their relationships as "mean, stagnant, lonely, boring..." It seems like we have been so sucked in by this Hollywood movie definition of love and romance, that is totally not what a real lasting relationship is all about. It's hard work, and when you say "I do" it doesn't magically make everything you've struggled with better, it just makes it more important that you triumph over those trials. It puts more on the line. I want Matt to come home so I can have him do this 5 word thing too. I feel like newly commited to our relationship for some reason. I really am so blessed, and he is so wonderful, we have such fun plans for the future, and thanks to Matt being such a genius with money, those things are likely to become realities. How did I get so lucky? I found the little scrapbook he made me when he proposed a while ago and my favorite page is the last one, where he just filled the whole page with a huge list of all the things we had talked about doing, and there were so many that we had already done in the 4 short years we've been married! I am so excited to do and to become and to see all those thing we've listed at one point or another. yeah!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

'lil miss thing

Sawyer has been so sassy lately, in a good way. She is pretty fearless. Yesterday she was taking a bath with lots of bubbles, and started sticking her face in them and eating them, it was so stinking funny because it made this little bubble goatee on her chin. Then when the bubbles all died, she kept sticking her face under the water for a second, then she would come up laughing her head off. Last night at the gym when I came to get her from the day care, Ashley told me that she was climbing to the top of the little kid-sized picnic table and standing on the edge of the table and laughing when Ashley would freak out and come grab her. Little daredevil! She's gonna be a handful. I put a new shirt on her yesterday, and boy did she think she was hot stuff. How can I help her to not be vain when she is so much already at 14 months!? She looks in the mirror when she gets her hair done and turns her head this way and that and smiles and you can just tell she is quite pleased with herself. It's too hard to not laugh and encourage her by telling her every 12 seconds how cute she is. What a stinker.

Monday, January 22, 2007

punk rock pageant princess

well, it's for sure now. One of my best friends, Mrs. Kierstin Spjut Laws has decided that she will do the pageant with me, so I can't back down now! What a rock star. She was really on the fence for a while, she is intimidated by the whole being on stage in front of lots of people thing, but she is going to face that fear and probably win the whole darn thing. There go my chances. She is such a gorgeous Scandinavian beauty, I can't believe I'm friends with such a beautiful girl. Plus you can see her six-pack through her shirt, that's how in shape this woman is. And she absolutely glows with confidence and kindness. She is such a fun person to be around, even though she is gorgeous, she doesn't take herself too seriously and always makes me laugh my head off with her funny faces and voices. We've decided that it is important that we find gowns that we can still wear our garments with, modest ones, so that when Sawyer is picking prom dresses, I can say "hey dude, I know this is hard, but mom did it, and so can you." Granted it would be fun to wear something that really shows off my hard work, (ie sculped triceps, biceps and shoulders ha ha) I think it's important to always wear my garments, and by dang, if I can do it when I was dating Greg, I can do it now! Anyway, I am so excited to be able to spend more time with her during this pageant process. yeah! This is Kierstin in the middle, holding Sawyer.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

the morning rant

There were these girls at the gym today, cute little high school kids, probably best friends, working out together. They were on bikes six or seven down from where I was running, and I seriously could not turn my ipod up loud enough to drown out their inane and incredibly loud conversation. I thought that perhaps once they started really working out they might become winded and grow quieter, maybe even stop talking completely. I am aware that we were not in the library, but it is a public place, and not everyone wants to hear about how Jessica and Mike were like totally making out at the dance, and she is such a slut and did you like see what Aubrey was wearing last night...blah...blah...blah. I'm probably a natuarlly onery person, especially when it comes to people in public places not respecting my "bubble", but these girls were 30 or 40 feet away and I still felt impossed upon. Normally I would move to a different machine, but this is January, and it'll still be a few weeks before the resolution-ers die out, and every machine was spoken for. After about 45 painful minutes they meanered over to the free weights to plague the meatheads over there. After they were out of earshot, the poor man next to them let out a huge sigh and said "thank goodness!" to which the other people around laughed and rolled their eyes. Apparently everyone else was just as annoyed as I was, so maybe I'm not such a big onery-pants. Was I that annoying and self-involved when I was in high school? The obvious answer is yes, but I really don't think I was that bad. At least I hope not. Sometimes I think it would be fun to go back to a time when the most pressing thing on your mind was passing your classes and clearing your skin, but then I remember all the insecurities that went along with it. I always thought everyone was looking at me and judging me, when they were all too insecure to really notice whatever I had going on anyway. And don't even get me started on body image issues. Having a baby was the BEST thing for me in that department. I loved being pregnant, my body was doing the coolest thing ever, what it was made to do, and I didn't have to even think about it. Luckily I had the healthiest, easiest pregnancy ever, (let's face it, we Miller girls are good reproducers) and I was able to keep working out through the whole nine months, and getting back into shape wasn't much of a struggle, in fact I weigh 14 pounds less now than I did before I got pregnant, back to high school weight actually. But my body is totally different. I have a lot more muscle tone from toting Sawyer around and from the BodyPump classes that I've become addicted to. I am in much better cardiovascular shape as well, and most importantly and miraculosly, I love my body. Any woman will tell you that's a HUGE deal. I am still not sure why creating and giving birth to a baby would make such a huge difference in my attitude about this, but thank goodness. I have spent WAY too much time and energy trying to lose weight and still not being happy with what I looked like. A lot of the blame for that I think goes to modeling and how even post-lipo at 135 pounds (and no longer menstrating) I was STILL not thin enough! Now I'm 150, and at six feet tall, I feel like a freaking hottie. I bought one of those body fat percentage scales though, and I do want to work on increasing my muscle mass still, I'd like to get down to 22 or 24%, right now I'm at 26, and in college I was 28, so that's going in the right direction at least. Once on Oprah there was a quote that struck me as so true that I had to write it down, I don't want to go find it now, but it was something to the effect of "a mother that radiates self-love and self-acceptance actually vacinates her daughter against low self-esteem." I know that's true because if my mom hadn't been like she was I would no doubt have developed an eating disorder or worse when faced with the pressure that I experienced in my little foray into modeling. I want Sawyer to be able to escape her teen years with as little body image crap as possible. She is such a precious daughter of God and I will do everything possible to make sure that she KNOWS that. I feel like I have been blessed to just know that my Heavenly Father knows and loves me; like that has been one of my gifts from Him, and no matter how crappy things have gotten, that knowledge has always buoyed me up, and helped me. I sound like a holy roller, but it's true. :)

Friday, January 19, 2007

three cheers for monday

this is going to make me sound like a pathetic loser, but I am so excited for Prison Break to start back up. Now of course it goes without saying that Michael Schofield (Wentworth Miller) is one smokin' hot ex-con, but the show is also quite good. I think even if it were him just reading the yellow pages I would tune in every single stinking week. anyway, I just saw that commercial and I had to mention his hotness. We are going out with Liz & Justin tonight, but Matt wanted to play in a basketball game, so we're doing the late show instead, which is actually good, becaue that way I can put Sawyer down instead of the babysitter. I hope Sawyer sleeps okay, she's had croup and bless her heart she's hardly let it slow her down, but I worry leaving her when she isn't feeling 100% good. I think we're seeing Casino Royale, which Matt & I saw in Hawaii, but we loved it, so we do not mind seeing it again. But the main thing I wanted to get off my chest is the fact that I am considering entering the...please do not laugh...Mrs. Utah United States pageant. Seriously. How did I go from thinking pageants and those who would enter them are totally dumb to considering doing one myself? It's Kirsten's fault. She has been talking about this particular pageant since she saw her friend Alicia win it last year; how it's so different and not at all like a typical pageant. (oh my hell, my dog's farts are so disgusting, I'm going to die) Anyway, it's for married women, and I guess there are alot of people who have never done pageants that do it. The whole point of it for me would be to just get outside of my comfort zone, and stretch a little. I don't want to get stagnant as a mother, and have that be the only thing that defines me. I hate asking people for money, so I'm going to get all the sponsors I need to not have to pay a dime into this thing. I hate interviews, but I need to be more articulate and confident in front of strangers, so I'm going to do it. I am not naturally a very outgoing person, but I'm going to do my best to make as many new friends as I possibly can because I want to be better at that. So although it's totally not what I naturally would do, I think that's exactly why I should do it. I guess I've reached that point where my parents can't force anymore character into me, so I've got to start doing it myself. How weird. I feel so old.

my girls

Ugly! These are the girls that I will be living with in the nursing home one day. Actually, I really hope not, but if I had to be in a home I would sure hope I had friends this great with me. This was our annual MDC Christmas party at Matt & I's house this last year, and we were trying to be pretty for a while, but it just wasn't working out. Trudy isn't really high and Jill doesn't REALLY think she's a movie star, in fact we're all pretty normal girls. Most of them have been friends since they were toddlers, but Kathryn & Kierstin & I were latecomers and I think I can speak for them when I say we're just glad to be included at all. We have soo much fun together and I know I can rely on any of them for anything. I hate that we haven't been able to get together lately, we've got to stop this cycle, ladies. Love ya.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Choose Your Own Adventure

Remember those books? How cool were they? I have been thinking lately that that's how life should be, just for fun, just for a while, just to see. Ya'll know that I am totally happy with where I am, life is very good to me, but I think everyone probably has a few things they look back on and it makes them wonder what would their life be like if they had taken a different course at certain points. Of course my obvious one is what if I had been a little less loaded up on lortab (post tonsillectomy) when Jared asked me out, and had the sense to hit the road. I at least should have figured it out by the time I finished with that first date. anyway. Would I still have had to have gone through another crappy relationship until I figured out that dating "projects" is not where it's at? That was definitely something I had to learn. What if I had not been such a wimp and kept ice skating after I broke my leg? Olympic Gold? What if I had pursued the whole modeling thing (ignoring the fact that there was no way I could have ever achieved the level of skinniness that was demanded of me) moved to LA and shacked up with some aspiring actor and made a bigillion dollars and then overdosed on heroin on the cover of the National Enquirer. What if I had gone to USU with my girls right after high school (besides the obvious freezing to death in that retched place)? I dunno, writing it out now it seems pretty stupid to even think this way, but I guess if it were a book instead of my life, I would certainly read it, and I will admit it, I would cheat, just like I used to with those choose your own adventure books.The one thing I never think about though, just because it's absolutley unthinkable, is what my life would be like if a certain boot hadn't gotten stuck on Jake Olson's foot at J. Crew resulting in my meeting Matt. Without him, nothing else makes sense. Nothing.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

my favorite picture

this is actually an homage to my best friend Kirsten. The pictures we took for my bridals are by far my favorite pictures I've ever taken. She makes me laugh my head off, which is clearly what I am doing here. And more importantly she knows me so well that even the things I feel like I can't tell anyone are easy to open up about. Kirsten is an absolute inspiration to me as a mother, her patience seems to know no bounds. She makes the choice everyday to have fun and enjoy her life. Talking to Kirsten makes things seem possible that would be crazy ideas to anyone else. I hate that there have been times when we haven't been as close as we are now, (namely when she ditched me and went off to college, jk.) Actually it probably had more to do with the crappy relationship I was in at the time. But right now we are rockin, and I am so glad because I honestly don't know what I would do without her.

Kari the napping monkey

I had to put this picture in here. Kari, Matt's neice is literally the sweetest Jekyl & Hyde girl you could ever meet. She is a holy terror one minute, but you cannot be mad at her because she has this devilish little grin that just makes you laugh. Then she goes and does something like fall asleep on my chest and she's all angel. We were snorkeling at Molokini crater in Hawaii and she and I got pretty tuckered out. I think this little nap of hers made me miss Sawyer more than anything. I am so excited to be able to share all the cool places in the world with Sawyer. Matt & I are going to make our kids earn it though. We're going to have them pick where they want to go on vacations, but they have to convice us by doing a little report on the things we'd see and do. I think that will make the time more meaningful and even a little educational.

I think I'm in love...

So on the way home from St. George last night, Matt kept talking about this car we've got to pick up and take to his brother Ryan's so he could do some work on it for one of Matt's clients. I was like, okay, that's fine, we'll just pick it up on the way home and drop it at Ry's, big deal, shut up. When we get to the dealership though, Matt wanders around like an idiot trying to find this car while I'm doing the proverbial "honey, just ask someone for directions" thing. Anyway we stop next to this absolutely beautiful white Toyota Land Cruiser and Matt gets out and says "well this is weird, the key fits, I guess this is the one, Celeste, you wanna drive it back?" And of course, I can tell something is up by this time because he's acting like such an idiot. But I would never dare dream that while I was out of town my husband would buy me my dream car! What a guy. He always knows just what I like. He makes so many sacrifices for our family and always makes everything fun. We've been talking about selling my Sienna and getting something we can tow our snowmobiles with, but a Land Cruiser has always been one of those one day when we're rich kinda cars, we'd been looking at the 4Runners mostly. I never was too keen on the idea of driving a mini-van, and although I love it now, functionally-wise, it really makes me feel matronly and I can't say I love it. Not so with this Cruiser though. It has leather, heated seats, sun roof, DVD player, iPod input, a brush guard, freaking sweet rims & tires, those pretty amber tinted windows I love, and let's face it, this is a MILF-tastic car. Today I am going to select a 311 sticker for the back window, because I never felt quite right about doing that with the Sienna, you know? It just didn't fit. I just didn't fit. The Cruiser, however....like a glove. I am in love with my car. Now, what to name her? I'm open to suggestions.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Miss Charlie

Here's the famous Charlie, our beautiful mutt. I think that she should be a new official breed though because she's just the best, a Great Dane and Springer Spaniel mix. Being away from her for eight days has really been kinda sucky. I love the way she demurely crosses her paws in front of her when she lays down. I love the way she lets Sawyer take her toys away without any protest. She seems to know that Sawyer is just a baby and that she needs to be gentle. Her tail however doesn't seem to share the same brain as the rest of her body. We looked into having it amputated when we realized that it would be just the same height as a toddler, but she would practically have to learn to walk again because it's this huge, muscley fifth limb. But it honestly has left bruises on my legs. So we just pick Sawyer up when people come over and Charlie gets excited, and it's kinda a non-issue. I am so excited to see her tomorrow though. Gonna get me some loves from my girl. :)


So Sawyer is 14 months old now, and people are starting to bug me about when we'll have another baby. And despite 14 months of experience, I feel like I felt before we had her: scared. And that's weird because I actually do feel pretty confident about my abilities as a mom, at least I don't feel like we've screwed her up just yet. In fact she is quite an angel so far, but whether that is a nurture or a nature thing, I don't know. But, it is still the most important and intimidating thing I'll ever do, raising another human being. I remember when I was pregnant and we got Charlie. I couldn't imagine having enough love in my heart for Matt & Charlie and the baby. I realize now how ridiculous that is. And I'm sure this feeling of not wanting to have my attention diverted from Sawyer even for another beautiful baby is going to feel pretty silly in a few years, but right now I just want to enjoy the little bit of baby time that is left in Sawyer's life. I think we are going more for the quality than the quantity. Not that quality isn't possible with a large quantity of kids, goodness knows my sisters have plenty of AMAZING kids, but I don't know if Matt & I are cut out for that. I certainly have my patience stretched every single day with just one kid. We just want to be able to give our kids so many fun experiences and lots of attention. I want them to have their time to be the only baby for a while. We talked about waiting until she was two to start trying again, but if we do that then I'll be in my 3rd trimester when the biannual (every other year, is that what biannual means?) Davis family vacation comes along, so I think we'll actually put it off a few months after that. Sounds silly to plan a kids birth around our vacation schedule, but it makes the most sense to me, so whatever. It's really no one's business anyway. (so why don't I go post this on a public blog? ironic much?)

Saturday, January 13, 2007


So I feel like a total Kirsten Wright wanna be, (lifeatthewrighthouse.blogspot.com) but she is pretty cool and I have really enjoyed reading her blog. This blog title sounds like it’ll be all about Sawyer, but I have a feeling this will be a great forum for me to keep a journal and vent for my own sanity. She is my life though, so I am sure there will be plenty about my little sweetie. Last Sunday we called Susie to invite her over for Sunday dinner and somehow it turned into Sawyer, Susie & I all going down to St. George for the week. It has been so much fun. I feel so incredibly lucky to have a mother in law that bears no resemblance at all to the typical horror stories you hear about mothers in law. She just radiates fun! I think that’s where Sawyer gets her joyful soul. Anyway Susie has been finishing up her many quilting projects and Sawyer & I have been just chillin’. I was planning to do so much digital scrap booking, but that has been replaced by this project. I was also able to spend some time with my brother & sister & her kids and that was way, way overdue. Matt flew in to Las Vegas last night and I went down to pick him up. His plane was 2 hours late, so I got a pedicure and read for a while. I was so excited to see him! We went to dinner at the Wynn and it was awesome; holy freaking desserts. Anyway, we’ve been having a lot of fun. I am so blessed to be where I am right now. I don’t mean in St. George. I mean married to the best guy, raising the coolest kid, living in such a nice house in such a awesome part of the world. I just wish I could shake the feeling that I don’t really deserve this, that I’m faking it and one day the rug is going to be ripped out from under me. I guess that just kinda goes with the territory, given the crap I put up with in my first marriage. Blah, blah, blah. I don’t want to think about that anymore. I don’t want it to affect any part of me ever again. It’s been six years and I still feel kinda “handicapped” in a way from it. I am sure some forgiveness on my part would help with that, at least that’s what I hear, but I just don’t feel like I have the ability to go there right now. Just being in Cedar City on Wednesday I felt really uncomfortable the whole time knowing that he lives there now. Icky, icky, icky. Moving on. I’m so incredibly happy right now. I have the best friends & family. So those of you who read this please know that I love you and am forever grateful for your support and examples and love for me. Pathetic as it sounds, it’s time for bed, so I’ll talk to you later.