someone's got to say it

I've had this post stewing in my head for a long time now. I'm still not sure exactly what I want to say or how to go about saying it, so we'll see how it goes.

porn sucks

i was talking to to friend this weekend who is (for the second time) dealing with a husband who has a pornography problem. her first marriage ended in divorce because of porn & some more severe problems that stemmed from it. Unfortunately, I have a bit of experience with the crapfest of worthlessness that a wife feels when her husband regularly views porn. it isn't fun. I cannot fathom how it must feel to this friend of mine to be dealing with it again in her new marriage. bless her heart. and bless his too, because he really is trying. they are in therapy, group, couples and individual and some of the statistics she shared with me made me want to cry. Pornography is chemically & physically more addictive than crack. Easier to get, too. Apparently an estimated 60% of LDS men have pornography issues. And that's within a church/culture that is quite clear on their stand on the subject.
SHUN.
RUN.
DON'T EVEN GO THERE.
OR EVEN CLOSE TO THERE.
that's the LDS church's stand. it befuddles me that the world at large doesn't believe that porn is even a problem at all. that it's normal & to be expected. (my jaw is permanently on the ground at this thought)
As I listened to my friend I was overcome by gratitude for a husband who is freakishly vigilant about that whole shun/run thing. Seriously. He's had me set the parental controls on our TV so high that you can hardly watch That 70s Show without a password. If I go out of town, I have strict orders to take the laptop with me. My fitness magazines and most catalogues are not welcome in our house. They go straight from the mailbox to my locker at the gym or the outside garbage can (respectively). Probably 2 or 3 nights a week we talk about a situation or picture or video that Matt saw that he wished he hadn't. Most are harmless & unintentional, but he (correctly & thankfully) feels that by checking in with me & being open about it he will be less tempted.
I'm so so so so so grateful for & in awe of the fact that a man this noble & cautious is mine. Talking to my friend, hearing how heartbreaking her struggles are, and knowing all too well how the tip of that iceberg feels, I couldn't help but wonder if this is one of those things, like depression, that we are shooting ourselves in the feet by not talking more openly about. Sure, we talk about how bad it is, but do we talk about how we avoid it? About how we overcome it? How destructive it is on a personal level?
I'm sure that my dinky little blog isn't the ideal place to begin a discussion like this, but I'm interested. At first I kind of thought that Matt was obnoxiously diligent, just his anxiety acting up or something. But after talking in depth with him over the years, I realize how extremely prevalent this is, and how easy it is for these good men of ours to slip up & start sliding down an extremely slippery slope. Are you doing things in your marriage to be proactive in this area? And what about my son? How do I shelter him from the crap that is going to be so in his face from the second he can see past his own toes? Oh gosh. Don't even get me started on that panic attack waiting to happen.
Honestly it makes me want to have a very small family, I simply cannot comprehend how I can be IN my kids lives enough if I have even one more. I want to know every friend, every friend's parents, I want to screen every TV show, every commercial. Of course I know that isn't possible, or even healthy. I've got to teach them right & at some point they will be in a situation where they have to decide for themselves, but oh my goodness, I am petrified about it sometimes.
please tell me I'm not alone.

p.s. after rereading this in the light of day, I feel that I need to clarify that when I said that I had experience being a wife of a dude who likes his porn, I was not in any way referring to Matt. If you didn't know, I was once married to another guy, a not so great one.

sometimes I think my five year old is actually 14. And hates me. And everything I make, do or say.


- Posted from my iPhone

glorious day

we did a fair bit of basking today. basking in the sun as well as in the girlfriendship.










































and now I'm trying to say my prayer listening to my daughter fart & jabber in her sleep and I'm thinking that probably God is giggling right along with me.


- Posted from my iPhone

you are hereby ordered to watch this video and become as obsessed with this band as i am

"and that's all I have to say about that."

"When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses? When the surf of the centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will be standing, because it is a celestial institution formed outside telestial time. The women of God know this."

Neal A. Maxwell


- Posted from my iPhone

pics from el telephono

(I love it when all the Braverman siblings dance together)
(oh and when Adam accidentally gets high)


I found this pic of Audrey Hepburn somewhere online. Apparently she actually had a fawn for a pet when she was young. Cutest thing ever, right?


Oh, wait. No, this is the cutest picture ever. My boys. Abram has been congested like nobody's business. A hot bath with Daddy every night clears it out nicely. I actually took a picture of all the snot I sucked out of his nose one morning. It was seriously impressive. I'll use some restraint though & not feature it here.


Last Friday we went out with some of my very favorite people on the planet, Angie & Tim Cella, Annetta & Rick Williams, Cyd & Nick and our sweet kiddos, Sawyer & Abram. We went to Tepanyaki & had a great time. I'm so happy that we've been able to have Cyd with us. It's been so much fun to have her. Honestly I was expecting some drama at some point. Still waiting. She's just awesome & I'm so proud of her & the choices she's making. Look at Nick's face here. Have you seen more adoration in your life?


They're so cute together. Nick got his mission call last week. Spanish speaking Columbus Ohio! Leaves May 4th.



Sawyer created a new friend. She stuck a chow mein noodle in her cup of water & named him Wormy. He's been slowly disintegrating on her shelf since then. I'm waiting for the right moment to throw him away.
She was very well behaved all during dinner. So was this guy.


And his cheeks. All 10 pounds of them.


Well that's about all I got. Unless you wanna see the snot pic...
- Posted from my iPhone

now taking donations

Matt knows a guy (wish I had a nickle for everytime I've said that) that rents a house in Maui every November for all of November. I know, sad for him, right? Anyway, he's a great family friend & he has invited us to come out & stay with them for a week. I know, sad for us, right? He's ever so generously offered to pay for our room & board if we can just get ourselves there. The problem is that 2011 is officially "The Year of Reigning it in" (financially, that is). Spending $1800 on airfare just doesn't really go along with our reigning it in goals. I cannot believe how much I want to make it happen though. Opportunities like that NEVER come along. We'd be fools to not go. I was looking at airfare last night & the thought that we might not be able to go pretty much sunk me into a deep depression. Have you BEEN to Maui? It's uhmazing. I think that the only way it's going to happen though is if I can pay for it with cake money. Or selling platelets. Or something.
So if you know of anyone getting married or having a fiesta of some sort, please give them my number. I've kinda stepped out of the wedding cake bizniz while I have a newish baby, but homeboy is a big boy now, just ask him.
I figure 6 or 8 cakes'd do it. I can totally handle that.
Either give me referrals or give me money, it's your call.
I'll bring you back some caramacs.

it still sucks, thanks for asking

Today one of the counselors in the bishopric started testimony meeting off by stating how grateful he was for his family, how nice it was after a bad day to have a lovely wife & sweet kids to come home to. Then he went on for a bit about how a dog, though, was probably the best. A dog loves you no matter what, they don't ask for much in return, and they lose their minds with excitement everytime you come home.
He may as well have kicked me in the face.
Oh my gosh.
All the missing just came washing back over me again like no time had passed at all.
I just sat there & quietly lost it, crying gigantic silent tears into my baby's fat little neck.
It sucked.

And for the record, if I read or talk to one more person that complains about their dog, their neighbor's dog, or a dog they used to know.... I might have to slap a ho.

I'm just sayin'.

- Posted from my iPhone

Christmas

Sawyer sleeping under the tree on Christmas Eve Eve, or Cyd's birthday as it's known around here.
One tradition I'm keeping from my growing up, everyone has to line up, youngest to oldest before you go in to see the tree/loot.
Speaking of loot...
Sawyer was so funny, she wanted to open everything & arrange them around her before she played with anything.
And she likes her pink wii controller. I did not pose her like this in anyway. It was all her doing.
Abes love love loves his little einstein music table.
After all was said & done, Matt gave me an envelope with the most beautifully written love letter. I was bawling as I read it, but then it started talking about "this ring" and I got confused. I look up to ask him & he's holding a ring box with the most beautiful emerald & white gold ring. Emerald is my favorite color, it's also Matt & Abram's birthstone. And Scott's. His letter tied these all together so beautifully & really gave the ring sooo much more meaning than just a pretty little thing. Every time I look at it I think of our fun past, our blessed present & our incredible future. I'm so grateful for a husband who takes the time everyday AND on special occasions to make me feel so special and appreciated & loved. It was a fantastic Christmas.

Thanksgiving?

Not my favorite year. Scott passed away on the 19th, so we weren't really ready for much celebrating by the time Thanksgiving rolled around. Bless her heart, Susie had such great intentions to throw a feast together, but I'm proud of her for acknowledging that it just was not in the cards this year. We were lucky & got a reservation at a phenomenal place, Franck's. So Susie, Steven & Jen's family & ours went out to dinner. It was amazing food, they had a mushroom & white chocolate soup that was honestly probably the single best thing I've ever eaten. I ate Matt's, Sawyer's & Livy's as well as mine. You think I'm kidding? I kid you not. But it was great to be together & just bask in the resiliency of Matt's family. I love them.

SoCal trip

Sawyer is lucky because her birthday is right by Veteran's Day, and Matt usually can take a few days off work & we some times go on a trip & tell her it's for her birthday. Really we are just petrified of the imminent winter looming ahead of us & need some more sun before we get into the holidays.
This year Susie accompanied us to LA/San Diego. It was probably the most beautiful I've seen Los Angeles, the day we went to the Getty Museum was incredibly clear & retardedly gorgeous. Plus that museum is freaking cool. Sawyer actually really enjoyed looking at the art. Matt was really smart & had her tell us her favorite painting in each gallery, and she had a blast telling us why she liked each one. We also spent a day at SeaWorld, which was totally fun. While we were there Grandma Susie bought Sawyer a pearl (a "pell" if you listen to Sawyer say it. sooo cute) that they took out of the shell & mounted onto a butterfly necklace. Sawyer has taken such good care of it. She really loves it. It was a good trip because we only had a few things we really wanted to do, so we just did a lot of scenic drives & good eating & talking & laughing.

Sawyer's Birthday!

We kept Sawyer's actual birthday kinda low key. I wasn't going to do a gigantic party again and then take off the next day for Southern California, so we told her she could take one friend and we'd go to a movie & dinner. Somehow she finagled a trip to Build-A-Bear though. So we took Jaycee (obviously. these two are like air to each other) and went to the "palm tree place" aka In-N-Out Burger, then to see Megamind & built some bears.

I mean 14 days of truth

yup, 14 days is all ya get. But this time it's not because of a lack of sticktoitiveness on my part. No, it's because the questions started to get super lame. Also, I realized that I probably spew too much truth as it is, so it was kind of a pointless exercise.

I just realized I've not yet blogged about Sawyer's birthday or Christmas. Or a ton of other lovely things we've been up to.

I shall strive to catch up tonight.