Saturday, October 27, 2007

endure to the end?? HA!!

I know I suck at regularly posting, in fact I've also been meaning to really improve my writing on this thing. Most of the time it's just a boring play-by-play of what we've been doing with no character at all, and I really need to do better. Reading Kirsten & Kierstin's blogs makes me smile & laugh and feel part of something bigger than myself, like I'm a part of some vast, enormous Mommy-Army marching on to victory. I really can do a better job with my writing, I used to be quite a good writer in high school. So anyway, I shall do better both with my quanity of posts and quality.
I have felt so stinking close to Matt lately. We recently went through what we have decided was our hardest struggle so far in our marriage (5 years at the end of the year, baby!) and I'm so glad that we were able to come through it stronger and more solid than before. If we can keep that trend up, by the time we die, we'll probably be fused together or something. Maybe that's what this whole thing is all about. I used to think that once you got through adolescence and got married in the temple, that life would magically get easier, that Satan would let up on you and you could just start enduring to the end. I know that's stupid, but I really have been surprised at how challenging marriage is and how hard we have to work at staying close and not letting stupid little crappy distractions get embedded in your marital makeup.
I've never been very disciplined at all. If I want to do something I tend to endulge myself and look at it as being true to myself or my feelings. Now that might work for some small decisions, but when you're married and starting a family, the concequences begin to affect more than just yourself. (I know that this probably doesn't strike anyone else as an epifany.) I am only now begining to really be able to discipline myself. Like last night. There was something that I could have chosen to do, probably wouldn't have been a huge deal, but could have lead to some serious backtracking in progress that I have made, and I am a little proud of myself for chosing to get as far away from that temptation as possible. And now today, I don't have to deal with the feeling that I shouldn't have done that. Today I don't have to start working my way back to good again, and it feels FANTASTIC!!! So yeah, me! Of course now I guess I have to start being less prideful, huh? :)
Sawyer just has been turning two more and more each day. Yesterday she was a bit "violent" at the gym daycare. I guess she was running around punching and slapping everyone totally unprovoked, just for kicks. Then she decided that spitting at mommy would be a good plan. And seatbelts? She don't need no stinkin' seatbelts! She has also learned that momma has a weakness for a hungry kid. When we start putting her to bed, she will lean toward the kitchen and scream "hungee, hungee, food, food!" It is absolutley awful. There are some nights that I doubt she actually got enough to eat at dinner and I give in, but when I know she's full, it sucks to hear her crying and making little lipsmaking noises. Don't report me to social services okay?
Yesterday I took my parents to the airport to leave for their second mission. I'm going to miss them so much this time around, having Sawyer has changed me so much and has also changed my relationship with them, especially my mom. I really feel like I am finally able to be myself around her without being afraid to offend her delicate sweet nature. That feels really, really good. Granted, just her presence makes me try to be so much better of a person, but I feel more relaxed. One thing lately that has really made me feel this is when I told her about the possibility of meeting 311. I saw her a few hours after Jim at the gym told me that he was their tour manager, and I was so pumped and wanted to tell everyone, so I told her, just thinking that she would get "that look" and tell me to be careful or something. But she wasn't like that at all! She was so pumped for me, I still have her face memorized, it was like Elaine from Seinfeld when she says "SHUT UP!!" and shoves people. It was seriously better than my news itself. It just made me feel so loved and accepted, I cannot even tell you. That was seriously my favorite memory with my mom, bar none. Well, I need to go do my dishes and shower so that I can read some more Twilight. I'm a little late on the bandwagon, but, my goodness, am I on the bandwagon! This is literally the most addicting book I have ever read! I had to go out and buy New Moon because I was afraid I would finish Twilight on Sunday and not be able to start New Moon until Monday. Heaven forbid that I would have to go without Edward for more than a few hours! This is my parents and I at the airport yesterday, aren't they cuties?


Kierstin said...

You make me laugh! I love to hear that someone else's child is destructive in day care! Max almost choked a kid the other day trying to push him away. Oh, boy. I am so, so glad that you guys came last night. i love you guys :)

Kirsten said...

That was a great are the best. I am so glad you had an awesome moment with your mom as well. I love the comment about you and matt being fused together...I have this picture in my mind that's really really rock, and yes we all have those kid moments that make us want to scream....let's endure those 2s. Love ya

CAROLINE said...

your parents are an ispiration i love them even though i have not really met them. They are amazing when they go on there missions. i love how they commit there life to the Lord. That is just amazing.

Luv Caroline and Cate