this sucks. that's all there is to it.

At this point in our lives, isn't our family supposed to be growing in number, not shrinking? I feel like we are only three-quarters of a pie now. Nobody snores anymore, it's too quiet at night and I hate it. I stay away from the house as much as possible, just driving around sometimes to avoid returning to an empty house. When we were out of our house for 2 1/2 months because of the flood, I thought I missed our house, but our house is just an empty cave without Charlie. All the nice new furniture feels a bit too stuffy without any dog hair on it. I keep thinking that I need a distraction, something, anything to take my mind off of missing my buddy. Of course the best distraction would be for me to be pregnant, but I can already tell that next Tuesday, as scheduled, Aunt Flo will arrive. Besides, even if she didn't, that doesn't mean that the baby would stay put, and going through another miscarriage without Charlie to sit & cry with me & snuggle with is more than I can even contemplate. She literally got me through both of them. Sawyer was amazing too, but she has much, MUCH less patience for my pathetic moping. She still needs to be fed & entertained, but Charlie... Charlie probably would have starved before she left me on my own when I needed her.
For all those who haven't had the blessing of a relationship like this, those who think I'm making too much of this & that "she's just a dog", I am sorry. So, so sorry for you. Try to experience it before you die. You will never know more unconditional love on this earth (at least not from a non-deity being.) Yesterday I could tell that Charlie knew something was up. Matt & I had been overly affectionate & teary with her. By the time Ashley, Shawn & Aspen arrived to pick her up, she was pretty anxious & kept growling at them. But they were incredibly patient and wonderful, as much as I hate to admit it, and were getting hugs & kisses from her by the time they left. She hopped up into the back of their truck, settled into her kennel, and with her insane amount of stuff, they drove off. Sawyer & I sunk down on the garage stairs & cried. At least I did, Sawyer pretended to occasionally, but mostly just petted my face & hair. Then she went in to play (see what I mean?). I think she works through her feelings through her play though, because, just like with the displacement she felt with the whole house situation, I hear her talking to her stuffed animals & dollies about dogs that go away, and being 'lergic to dogs & horses. I hope she doesn't blame herself. Ever. I wish I could think of some other magical thing I could have done to make it work; wish I could call her new family up & say that the deal was off, but I know this was the right choice for our daughter's health. I cannot get around that. However, I also cannot get around this dog-shaped hole in our world. Yesterday our dear friends Danny & Jess did what any good Mormon would do when someone they know loses a loved one: brought dinner over. It was perfect & sooo appreciated. Jess & I snuck away for a little

Red Mango yogurt therapy, and accidentally wound up trying to see if retail therapy would help, but Downeast Home in Layton is in a frightful state right now, I don't recommend it until after the remodel. Red Mango however was a little helpful,
but I am learning not to be an emotional eater, (more about that life-changing event/book/mind-set later, maybe tomorrow) and not even taking ridiculous pictures helped. So I tried a little anal-retentive cleaning therapy. No dice. (However, if you need a new vacuum, Holy S, get yourself to Costco & get the Oreck XL 2 pack they have right now. Best $300 I ever spent.) More retail therapy today (summer clearance at Target!) gardening therapy, (might have worked if it weren't for the fact that there was no one to nap at my feet) and music therapy isn't even touching it, as amazing as the Airborne Toxic Event 14 times in a row is. The only times I'm not thinking about the whole suckiness is when I work out, because that's always been the only time my freaking brain shuts up. So that's good, I'll just live at Performax from now on. The only other things I can think of are spa therapy & art therapy. Perhaps those will be tomorrow.

My mother-in-law keeps saying that it is better to have loved & lost that to never have loved at all, and yes, I agree, but seriously? She was a large dog & that dog-shaped hole I was talking about earlier ain't messing around.

Bidding has now closed

A new home has found my Charlie. (Hopefully) sweet & wonderful people are coming from Evanston (not EvINGston) to pick her up tomorrow morning. I dunno, I just got a really good feeling about them. Things just kind of fell into place & they swear up and down that they will spoil her & love her forever. Ashley was practically screaming when I said I felt that they should have her. Me... not so much. I want to die. My husband keeps crying. I keep crying. Charlie probably thinks someone died, but then she just goes back to sleep. Poor girl has no idea what's going on tomorrow. How can I make her understand that this is for the best for both her & Sawyer? Her new home has tons of property to run around in, horses & cats to chase & even another little 3 year old girl. She's gonna have 2 great danes for cousins and will go camping lots & get spoiled silly by the new family. I'm so jealous. It doesn't help any that they are also having a baby in October. They get my dog, they can actually procreate, and they have horses for goodness sakes. I don't think I'd like to live in Wyoming, but c'mon! Really? Lucky sunsabitches. But how on earth am I going to say goodbye to her? I hope they leave lots of time in their schedule tomorrow because I want to let Charlie have plenty of time to get acquainted with them before I shove her off to the next phase of her life. There are very few things that I have gone through in my life as sucky as this.

Yup, it sure is gonna kill me.

I am sure you are all sick of hearing about my dog situation, but if you could, please post something about it on your own blog. Feel free to steal your favorite picture of her from my blog, post her gorgeousness and maybe we'll find the best home for her ever. She's on ksl.com as of this morning, so you can also add a link to that. Here it is: http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=218&ad=7287869&cat=105 copy that onto your post also if you will, so that they can get in touch with me directly. Now I need to go figure out how to dry my keyboard out. Does the salt in tears mess up electronics?

I think it's gonna kill me.

I just don't know what to do about the Charlie/Sawyer situation. It seems the Zyrtec, the electro-static allergen blocker air filter, the hardwood floors, the poor dog not being allowed in Sawyer's room, and even keeping Charlie outside for a huge part of the day, oh, and the nearly constant vacuuming and dusting are just making zero difference in how much Charlie effects Sawyer's allergies. Plus, Charlie has been having some hip problems, and really seems to miss the carpet & couch that she was allowed to sleep on. I even bought her a memory foam dog bed, and she's still stiff everytime she gets up. It seems like no one is winning here. Sawyer's excema seems to be worsening. I hate to say it, but I don't know what else to do. Does anyone deserve to take over spoiling my indescribably beautiful, loving, sweet, obedient, sweet, shiny, loving, amazing dog? Yeah, she's large, but seriously, wouldn't you rather be able to see the poop on the lawn so that you don't step in it? I think my favorite thing about her, (and the suckiest thing of all about losing her) is that she is like a sister to Sawyer. The second we had that baby, she instead of going into jealous mode, she went totally protective. When someone would come to the door she would stand at the end of the hallway to Sawyer's room & bark instead of going to the door. She lets Sawyer take rides on her & dress her up and climb all over her & pull her face off, and she just licks her & loves her. When I say "Charlie, where's Sawyer?" Sawyer starts to run around the kitchen island & Charlie chases her around slow enough that it takes her a few laps to catch up & Sawyer squeals and giggles the whole time. It's the best. She thinks she's a lap dog, anytime you sit on the floor, she will plop her butt down in your lap. When you stub your toe and start crying on the floor (just a little bit) she will come over and put her head on your shoulder. She can also take off your socks for you at the end of a long day. That's her best trick. She never pulls unmentionable items out of the trash and drags them into the living room. She never begs at the table. She doesn't eat your underwear. She has never not once eaten or destroyed in anyway a cake I was working on. She doesn't pee or poop in the house, and when she has to throw up, (rarely) she does it on the tile, not the carpet. All she wants is a soft place to sit, someone to hang out with all day, and an occasional conversation directed at her in baby talk. We got so incredibly lucky with her. I absolutley adore her and cannot contemplate giving her up, but I simply don't know what else to do. If the right person came along, maybe it wouldn't be so gut wrenching.

I know it's been a minute, but....

...we've been super busy
-moving back into & enjoying our house,
-celebrating the 4th of July,
-having a much needed MDC get-together,
-falling more & more in love with the young women in our ward at Girl's Camp.
So yeah, it's been a bit hectic.
But here are the highly anticipated (yeah right, no one reads my blog anymore.) pictures of Sawyer's golf clubs, in all their pink glory. Sawyer loves to carry them "all by my lone," sets them up and picks the perfect club, then basically screams like a crazy person when she hits the ball. Its the best.We had a low-key & perfect 4th of July, BBQ-ed with my parents at Susie's, then did fireworks with the Steven K. Davis family (Matt's brother). Sawyer was really into fireworks this year, conducting them just like I used to do. Apparently it's a genetic tendency, who knew?Kierstin had all of our high school girls friends & their families over for a pot-luck-a-rific party complete with s'mores on the firepit. YAY Kierstin, thanks for sharing your amazing yard and organizational skills with us, you guys are the best! We seriously need to do that every month. I love that our kids are becoming like cousins, that's what we always dreamed about in high school, and it's happening!!! How cool! Here's Porter squashing Max and Quincie & Mia chillin' in the port-a-crib.
I think Sawyer got a tad bit sick of being photographed there though, check out her paparazzi face, she's been studying Paris Hilton & other hooker-ific faux-lebrities. (I'm just glad she kept her panties on.)



OH! Then there was Girl's Camp. Last Wednesday through Saturday, I actually camped. Not glamped in a million dollar cabin, but CAMPED for real in a tent & everything. However, it really was kinda glamp-ish because I mooched off of the amazing Brooke Barker and slept in her heated tent on her 20" thick air mattress. Its hardly roughing it when you bunk with her. I had an amazing time getting to know her, the other leaders and especially the girls better. And getting mosquito bit like nobody's business. Good times. We also had a new girl move in like 3 days before camp & she was a rockstar & decided to come to camp and we all quickly fell in love with her. Honestly I felt like I was hanging out with a 15 year old Laura Dugovic, it was such a blast! I love them both all the more for that. So yeah, Laura now that you are too busy with your blossoming photography business to blog, I can just go hang out with your younger doppleganger. Everyone wins!

$10,466.96 later....

yesterday we went to RC Willey & got everything we need to replace the stuff we lost in the flood. If anyone needs to purchase home owner's insurance & aren't sure about who to go with, please, ask me, I have nothing but amazing things to say about ours & how they handled this whole process. I think it's Allied, but I don't quote me. Oh, and if you need to buy any furniture any time soon, go see Van Ormsbee at the 2100 south RC Willey. Seriously, you will be so happy you did. I'm not going to lie & say it wasn't a complete blast spending that much money in one shot. I love shopping with Matt, and the fact that Sawyer was awesome for the whole 4 1/2 hours we were there didn't hurt at all. We decided on some awesome stuff, 2 sectionals, a dining room set, 2 ottomans, 2 huge rugs, bar stools, a buffet/server thing, an end table and an amazingly beautiful painting of a horse. Good times. I was going to be all braggy & post pictures of all the stuff on here, but I'd rather host ourselves a "Welcome Home" party to thank all of our wonderful friends & family for being so supportive, feeding us, letting us and/or our dog or child live with them, helping install flooring, listening to me gripe and especially not noticing that stress goes directly to my gut. :) (or at least not saying anything if you have noticed.)
We are still waiting on the basement kitchen counters, the sinks & appliances being installed, and the baseboards around the front room to be replaced. Those are a pain, by the way. I did the ones in the bedrooms & halls, and I was being all anal about it, patching dings & stuff in the walls. I pretty much worked for 32 out of 48 hours over Friday & Saturday, and my back was screaming. My parents helped me move our bedroom furniture back in this weekend, and they look awesome with the new hardwood/laminate floors. I cannot wait to have the new stuff arrive, but because I have girls camp this weekend, it won't come until the 14th. There is still alot of work to be done, but I can definatley see the light at the end of the tunnel and we are all so excited to get back to normal life with all of us together & in our own place! YAY!!! I will post pictures of the 4th of July & Sawyer's pink golf clubs later, they are so cute, you'll die.

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

MyHeritage: Family trees - Genealogy - Celebrities - Collage - Morph

Freaking awesome, I look like Howard Dean! My friend Kierstin had this on her blog & I totally stole it, but she had WAY better people on hers than mine. I guess that's what you get for being a Swedish supermodel. Me? I get Howard Dean.

NEW BAND!! NEW BAND!!!

New to me at least. I always thought would always be a cool person, music-wise, you know, stay on top of what's new & cool, not listen to FM 100 or kid's music in the car. As it turns out I really hate the majority of radio stations, and it's so rare that they actually play new & interesting music, so I don't really listen to the radio at all. But when I do, it's worth all the car dealership guys screaming at me when I run across something new & delicious... like these guys:



The Airborne Toxic Event. I just downloaded their album & I think I've listened to it about 14 times today. Amazing. I may not be the girl going to a small, obscure punk show every weekend anymore, but at least the Young Women in my ward fight over who gets to ride in my car because I have good stuff on my ipod.