this sucks. that's all there is to it.

At this point in our lives, isn't our family supposed to be growing in number, not shrinking? I feel like we are only three-quarters of a pie now. Nobody snores anymore, it's too quiet at night and I hate it. I stay away from the house as much as possible, just driving around sometimes to avoid returning to an empty house. When we were out of our house for 2 1/2 months because of the flood, I thought I missed our house, but our house is just an empty cave without Charlie. All the nice new furniture feels a bit too stuffy without any dog hair on it. I keep thinking that I need a distraction, something, anything to take my mind off of missing my buddy. Of course the best distraction would be for me to be pregnant, but I can already tell that next Tuesday, as scheduled, Aunt Flo will arrive. Besides, even if she didn't, that doesn't mean that the baby would stay put, and going through another miscarriage without Charlie to sit & cry with me & snuggle with is more than I can even contemplate. She literally got me through both of them. Sawyer was amazing too, but she has much, MUCH less patience for my pathetic moping. She still needs to be fed & entertained, but Charlie... Charlie probably would have starved before she left me on my own when I needed her.
For all those who haven't had the blessing of a relationship like this, those who think I'm making too much of this & that "she's just a dog", I am sorry. So, so sorry for you. Try to experience it before you die. You will never know more unconditional love on this earth (at least not from a non-deity being.) Yesterday I could tell that Charlie knew something was up. Matt & I had been overly affectionate & teary with her. By the time Ashley, Shawn & Aspen arrived to pick her up, she was pretty anxious & kept growling at them. But they were incredibly patient and wonderful, as much as I hate to admit it, and were getting hugs & kisses from her by the time they left. She hopped up into the back of their truck, settled into her kennel, and with her insane amount of stuff, they drove off. Sawyer & I sunk down on the garage stairs & cried. At least I did, Sawyer pretended to occasionally, but mostly just petted my face & hair. Then she went in to play (see what I mean?). I think she works through her feelings through her play though, because, just like with the displacement she felt with the whole house situation, I hear her talking to her stuffed animals & dollies about dogs that go away, and being 'lergic to dogs & horses. I hope she doesn't blame herself. Ever. I wish I could think of some other magical thing I could have done to make it work; wish I could call her new family up & say that the deal was off, but I know this was the right choice for our daughter's health. I cannot get around that. However, I also cannot get around this dog-shaped hole in our world. Yesterday our dear friends Danny & Jess did what any good Mormon would do when someone they know loses a loved one: brought dinner over. It was perfect & sooo appreciated. Jess & I snuck away for a little

Red Mango yogurt therapy, and accidentally wound up trying to see if retail therapy would help, but Downeast Home in Layton is in a frightful state right now, I don't recommend it until after the remodel. Red Mango however was a little helpful,
but I am learning not to be an emotional eater, (more about that life-changing event/book/mind-set later, maybe tomorrow) and not even taking ridiculous pictures helped. So I tried a little anal-retentive cleaning therapy. No dice. (However, if you need a new vacuum, Holy S, get yourself to Costco & get the Oreck XL 2 pack they have right now. Best $300 I ever spent.) More retail therapy today (summer clearance at Target!) gardening therapy, (might have worked if it weren't for the fact that there was no one to nap at my feet) and music therapy isn't even touching it, as amazing as the Airborne Toxic Event 14 times in a row is. The only times I'm not thinking about the whole suckiness is when I work out, because that's always been the only time my freaking brain shuts up. So that's good, I'll just live at Performax from now on. The only other things I can think of are spa therapy & art therapy. Perhaps those will be tomorrow.

My mother-in-law keeps saying that it is better to have loved & lost that to never have loved at all, and yes, I agree, but seriously? She was a large dog & that dog-shaped hole I was talking about earlier ain't messing around.