Wednesday, July 29, 2009

this sucks. that's all there is to it.

At this point in our lives, isn't our family supposed to be growing in number, not shrinking? I feel like we are only three-quarters of a pie now. Nobody snores anymore, it's too quiet at night and I hate it. I stay away from the house as much as possible, just driving around sometimes to avoid returning to an empty house. When we were out of our house for 2 1/2 months because of the flood, I thought I missed our house, but our house is just an empty cave without Charlie. All the nice new furniture feels a bit too stuffy without any dog hair on it. I keep thinking that I need a distraction, something, anything to take my mind off of missing my buddy. Of course the best distraction would be for me to be pregnant, but I can already tell that next Tuesday, as scheduled, Aunt Flo will arrive. Besides, even if she didn't, that doesn't mean that the baby would stay put, and going through another miscarriage without Charlie to sit & cry with me & snuggle with is more than I can even contemplate. She literally got me through both of them. Sawyer was amazing too, but she has much, MUCH less patience for my pathetic moping. She still needs to be fed & entertained, but Charlie... Charlie probably would have starved before she left me on my own when I needed her.
For all those who haven't had the blessing of a relationship like this, those who think I'm making too much of this & that "she's just a dog", I am sorry. So, so sorry for you. Try to experience it before you die. You will never know more unconditional love on this earth (at least not from a non-deity being.)
Yesterday I could tell that Charlie knew something was up. Matt & I had been overly affectionate & teary with her. By the time Ashley, Shawn & Aspen arrived to pick her up, she was pretty anxious & kept growling at them. But they were incredibly patient and wonderful, as much as I hate to admit it, and were getting hugs & kisses from her by the time they left. She hopped up into the back of their truck, settled into her kennel, and with her insane amount of stuff, they drove off. Sawyer & I sunk down on the garage stairs & cried. At least I did, Sawyer pretended to occasionally, but mostly just petted my face & hair. Then she went in to play (see what I mean?). I think she works through her feelings through her play though, because, just like with the displacement she felt with the whole house situation, I hear her talking to her stuffed animals & dollies about dogs that go away, and being 'lergic to dogs & horses. I hope she doesn't blame herself. Ever. I wish I could think of some other magical thing I could have done to make it work; wish I could call her new family up & say that the deal was off, but I know this was the right choice for our daughter's health. I cannot get around that. However, I also cannot get around this dog-shaped hole in our world. Yesterday our dear friends Danny & Jess did what any good Mormon would do when someone they know loses a loved one: brought dinner over. It was perfect & sooo appreciated. Jess & I snuck away for a little

Red Mango yogurt therapy, and accidentally wound up trying to see if retail therapy would help, but Downeast Home in Layton is in a frightful state right now,
I don't recommend it until after the remodel. Red Mango however was a little helpful,
but I am learning not to be an emotional eater, (more about that life-changing event/book/mind-set later, maybe tomorrow) and not even taking ridiculous pictures helped. So I tried a little anal-retentive cleaning therapy. No dice. (However, if you need a new vacuum, Holy S, get yourself to Costco & get the Oreck XL 2 pack they have right now. Best $300 I ever spent.) More retail therapy today (summer clearance at Target!) gardening therapy, (might have worked if it weren't for the fact that there was no one to nap at my feet) and music therapy isn't even touching it, as amazing as the Airborne Toxic Event 14 times in a row is. The only times I'm not thinking about the whole suckiness is when I work out, because that's always been the only time my freaking brain shuts up. So that's good, I'll just live at Performax from now on. The only other things I can think of are spa therapy & art therapy. Perhaps those will be tomorrow.

My mother-in-law keeps saying that it is better to have loved & lost that to never have loved at all, and yes, I agree, but seriously? She was a large dog & that dog-shaped hole I was talking about earlier ain't messing around.


Melissa said...

Sorry Celeste.
I'm not sure what else to say you know.
I hope that coping, gets easier as the days pass!!
I also hope that Charlie loves it where she is so that that can help with the hole in your heart/place.
This probably doesn't help but I think it was the right and only decision you could've made.

schmath said...

Yeah, that does suck. I'm not a big crier, but there were some tears in there for a minute. Is that your kitchen table? I love those benches!

Matt said...

"'Men,' said Mr. Kyle, 'people have been trying to understand dogs ever since the beginning of time. One never knows what they'll do. You can read every day where a dog saved the life of a drowning child, or lay down his life for his master. Some people call this loyalty. I don't. I may be wrong, but I call it love--the deepest kind of love.'"
- Wilson Rawls Where the Red Fern Grows

How do you lose a friend without being deeply saddened. I often times have anxiety and as a result I am very hard on myself. I would often look into those brown eyes of hers. I would know, had I murdered someone, that those compassionate eyes would give my soul rest, and offer me the deepest forgiveness. Her spirit would demand that I forgive myself. A Zen Buddhist rakes the sand searching for inner tranquility. I often found nirvana from a simple pet, or a brush against my leg from my own gentle giant.
"I'm sure the red fern has grown and has completely covered the two little mounds. I know it is still there, hiding its secret beneath those long, red leaves, but it wouldn't be hidden from me for part of my life is buried there too. Yes, I know it is still there, for in my heart I believe the legend of the sacred red fern."
- Wilson Rawls, Where the Red Fern Grows,

Thank you Charlie,
I love you

Charlie's response would be

"Don't forget to pray for the bones!"

mistapuggs said...

Wait! I got it, go get her back!

We'll make her a little space suit with NASA logos and O2 tanks and everything. She'll be self contained!

Jen Nelson said...

I'm sorry!! I'm in the process of finding a new home for my cat and it's seriously breaking my heart. Allergies are dumb.
The pics of Kort and Sawyer are so freaking cute!!
(I'm laura's cousin btw - not some random crazy that is stalking you!)

Ashley Thalman said...

1. I am so glad your doggy found a new home and I am so sorry she isn't in yours anymore.
2. What good friends Jess and her husband are. Lucky!
3. Wtf? Downeast is a mess.

Hugs. Ash