Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I'm not really going to curse God & die

k, my last blog may have scared a few of you, my feelings that day scared me, I'll admit. Honestly I ran the whole gambit of emotions in a very short amount of time, anger, denial, grief and all that, but now I am at a very nice okay-ness. God & I made up on Sunday night, we're all good now, and he gave me a huge dose of the comfort & peace that I asked for. Seriously, I woke up Monday morning with a strange sense of euphoria and goodness. Everything is gravy. The timing of this birth must be really important in his/her life. Or something, I just hope it all makes sense one day. Its not even so much that I'm afraid I'll never have another baby, I just hate double HATE the process of t r y i n g. "We're TRYING to get pregnant." It just sounds so tedious. (and yes, I know where babies come from, that part isn't the part that sucks.) It's just that each month when Aunt Flo arrives you feel like a total failure. That beeotch sucks enough already without stamping a big fat FAIL on your forehead. I hate peeing on sticks. I hate finding the cutest freaking nursery ideas and not feeling free to act on them. I hate that my daughter prays everynight for a baby in mama's tummy. I also hate that she doesn't have anyone to play with all day except me, and am considering adopting a princess obsessed 3 year old with an outrageous imagination just so I can get things done around here. I just want to move on to the next phase of life. I am retardedly impatient! I think I need to go watch American Idol. That always makes everything better. ...........yummmm Kris Allen.....
Goodnight.

6 comments:

Melissa said...

I'm glad you're feeling ok about things Celeste. This is a tough deal.
For me, tough deals can only be made better by God. Everyone else tries but he's the best at it.
Sawyer will make the best sister ever. Think how great she's gonna be when it happens.
If it's a girl you'll have to wrestle her to dress her every morning.
Again, I'm sorry.

Kierstin said...

Yeah! Good thing for peace and good feelings. I am happy that you are feeling ok about this. And I totally agree... yumm for Kris Allen :) I also love Danny and Adam. xo

Diana said...

Hi Celeste, I hope I don't fall in the category of a stalker, I linked to your blog from Jenni McBride's. I love how you express yourself in words, I find reading your blog very entertaining! Plus, what an exciting life you have! I wanted to express my sympathy for your miscarriage, what a hard thing to deal with! I appreciate you being real and sharing your hard times, that way we can connect and support each other.

~Debby~ said...

Love ya Girl!!
I have lost and loved too.
If you need ANYTHING Call!

Jen Nelson said...

I am so so sorry for your losses. I recently miscarried in December and my sister-in-law and my best friend are due around the same time I should have been. Lovely reminder of what I'm missing out on every time they talk about their babies. (no, I'm still not bitter? Ha!)

I don't check your blog very often, but I actually cried while reading your last two posts. I am so so sorry. I pray you continue to find peace and comfort, but remember it's ok to be pissed off for a while. Hang in there.

Ang said...

Celeste,
Tim and I actually tried for 3 years before we got spencer. I had utterly given up, when "poof!" i found myself pregnant...actually totally by mistake. Then the next two I was totally preventing (BC and IUD) and still got pregnant. If I have learned anything from this it is that we just have absolutely NO control over these things. Keep your chin up sweetie. There is a plan for you. The hard part is waiting to see what it is. :)