yup. more ATE

i have zero tolerance for any other music these days

I can die now.

The Airborne show this weekend was the single greatest concert I've ever been to. I can't even sum it up in words. I really liked them before, but I full on adore them now. The talent. Holy crow. Each member of the band can play multiple instruments AND sing. We're talking the violinist grabbing a tambourine then singing, then running over to the piano for a few. The bass guitar being played with a bow. (beautiful btw) Completely accapella harmonizing. It was ridiculous. You could tell that all the symphony musicians were loving it. At one point Mikel hopped up on the contuctor's stand & rocked out with him. There was this one viola player that couldn't get the smile off her face. Me either. My face hurt by intermission. I had goosebumps for like 2 hours straight.


(from our seats before we moved down front & center)
I'm so excited for their new album to come out in April. They played a few songs from it & they are just a vulnerable & raw & beautiful as the first album.


One song starts & ends with Mikel singing accapella and the lyrics are just so...like naked & haunting. Holy crow. To have to fullness of a symphony behind them just made their amazing music just so much bigger....GAH!!


Sorry to gush so much about something no one else but me probably gives a crap about, but I'm in my kitchen dancing my brains out to the live cd I bought & I can't stop thinking about it. Oh and guess what. That cd came with a DVD of a similar show they did at the Disney concert hall with a symphony, traditional Mexican dancers, and Mikel's high school marching band. (I can't wait to watch it) anyway if you bought that DVD you got to stay after the show for a meet & greet with the band! It was great to share in this awesome night with a band that thinks enough of their fans to make time to hug strangers & pose for pictures & sign things for a few hours. Unfortunately my Mrs. Photogenic crown will be revoked after I post these pictures, so don't look at me, like anyone would anyway, these are some beautiful musicians.


(apparently something was hilarious here. But Cyd & her first husband Noah look cute)



(sorry, I have no explanation for this face. I don't know. But isn't Mikel cute?)



(I seriously look like I'm about ready to shove him in my pocket & bolt, huh?)



(Anna. I want to be her when I grow up)
Sadly I got no pictures of the drummer or the pianist/guitarist/token Asian guy. We were getting a little bit claustrophobic & worried about taking the light rail back late at night, so we left. It was unbelievable. I'm so grateful to Matt for making it happen, I had given up hope, I just couldn't figure out how to make it work. I'm so grateful for a husband who, while he may not "get" my obsession with live music or most of my favorite bands, he gets me & he knows how important it is to me to still be me, even though I'm "just a mom" 90% of the time. I'm a lucky gal.

If I could, I'd buy stock in this band. This is the next single.

Day 14

A hero that has let you down.

Tiger Woods.

Actually just kidding. That's Matt's answer. He may have cried during that whole scandal.

Sheesh, for me though? I don't know. Hero is a strong word. I've got some people I admired that let me down, but apparently I choose my heroes well because they don't let people down. Jesus Christ. King Benjamin. Abigail (1 Samuel chapter 25). My best friend Kirsten. My parents. That husband of mine.
So far so good on the heroes staying on a pedastal.
I have siblings & friends who have made (in my opinion) some dumb choices, but nothing that would dissolve my admiration or love for them.
I am fortunate enough to know some phenomenal people.

This question & its answer are a little on the lame side. Sorry.

In other news-
We are on our way to Denver to see The Airborne Toxic Event concert WITH the Colorado Symphony. It's going to be uhmazing. Matt bought tickets for me for Christmas. He's the GOAT. I know LL Cool J says he is, but he's not. The Greatest of All Time is Matthew Thomas Davis. End of discussion, LL. You are the greatest lip licker of all time, but the All Around goes to my husband.


- Posted from my iPhone

As long as we are talking truth...

This:


Equals this:



But seriously, check out that score! I THRASHED my mother-in-law's high score & she's like the smartest person I know! But the rest of the house is still in good shape, and, look at it this way, I'm teaching Abram to entertain himself! Right?

Also, please look that game over, if you can see a way to get rid of that Z, please let me know!

- Posted from my iPhone

Day 13

A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough times.

Alright, my first instinct here is to say 311, but I think its wrong. Yes, I've seen them in concert like 30 times & have been slightly obsessed with them since I first heard them in Kyle Kerr's truck after early morning swim practice in my sophomore year, but when I think about songs that really helped me out with stuff, it's Alkaline Trio every time.
When I kicked my ex-husband out my brother's best friend came & visited me at work (not an odd thing, we were all buddies back then) and brought me a mix tape. Yes, a tape. Cassette tape. Geez, how much is this aging me? We had CDs, you just couldn't really record on them at the time.

There was this one song on there called Radio. Radio is the single greatest bitter breakup song of all time. It really helped me stay angry through all of Jared's manipulative attempts at reconciliation, and I needed to stay angry. I held on to that anger like it was a life vest. Because it was. I won't share all of the lyrics with you here because they are naughty, but here's a bit of the chorus-

...in case you haven't heard I'm sick & tired of trying
I wish you would take my radio to bathe with you, plugged in & ready to fall...

yup. I wish you would get electrocuted in the tub. That's where I was. I'm so happy to say that I no longer wish such things upon anyone.

The Alkaline Trio also has a few delightful lovey songs, one of which I couldn't stop singing when I first started dating Matt. Clavicle is its name.

...I've been on top of the world since about six months ago, marking the first time I laid eyes on you. I lost all train of thought as I entered the room, saw what looked like really good food, then I saw you & so did you... I've been on top of the world since about one week ago, marking the time when I was drunk enough to talk to you. I lost all train of thought as your eyes met mine. told you I thought you were gorgeous, you gave me your phone number I gave you mine. Before you left I said that you can bet I'd be bothering you soon, you said no bother, please do. I called you twice, it's been a hellish fight not to think about you all the time, sitting around waiting for your call...

I really like them, their lyrics are clever, their music is intense & raw, not all polished & shiny.

Ever so fine print- Please note that this is not Primary President Celeste recommending that we all go out & buy their music, but rather post-personal-apocalypse Celeste saying that they really helped her through some rough times.

Day 12

Something you never get complimented on.

I can probably count on one hand how many times I've been told I smelled nice. I don't think I stink, I have good hygiene, but I never remember to put on perfume, and so I'm not one of those people who has like a signature scent wafting behind them everywhere they go.

Kinda wish I was.


- Posted from my iPhone

Day 11

Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

This is also a somewhat lame question. Once upon a time people used to tell me I was pretty, but now all I hear all day is how handsome my son is & what a lovely daughter I have.
And guess what? I don't mind this shift. At. All.


See what I mean?
ewww, did you just almost throw up? Me too.
(actually if I'm being honest Sawyer gets complimented on her legs more often than not. That's what happens when you walk on your toes all the live long day. She's so rad.)

- Posted from my iPhone

Day 10

Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know.

Geez Louise! This one is lame. I'm not doing it. It's my blog, durnit!

But I do need to write. I don't know any other way to say it, and I'm sure it's just because Matt AND Cydney were out of town this weekend, and my kiddos are sick, and therefore I haven't been able to go work out and now I have cabin fever, but I sure feel super crappy lately. Unmotivated & lonely mostly. I had that one really, really good day this week, but other than that its kinda been an emotional suck-fest on my part. bluh.
How do you stay in touch with friends when your lives are so dominated by the needs of small people? And you know what? Sometimes (this just happened to me on Friday) even when the stars all align & I'm able to spend time with friends, I feel weirdly isolated even while I'm with them. Like I'm not all the way there. I hate it. It just makes me want to go back to bed & wake up in a different stage of my life.

Sheesh, Miller, might need to up the dosage!

I've been feeling like this around my in-laws too. Bad. They all live like 2 miles from each other. Actually, it's probably less than that, I'm not even kidding. I just feel really out of it, like living "clear" out here in Layton, I miss out on stuff or something. I say "I" because Matt works in Bountiful & so he can make it to a lot more stuff, people just swing by his office all the time. But it's a really close family & I feel like I'm the obnoxious kid sister trying to jump into conversations & stuff. It's not their fault, they are awesome, every single one, it's just a mix of the distance & the stages my kids are at. Probably exasperated by the fact that Matt rarely remembers to tell me stuff that's going on. It's like he's my lifeline to the outside world & sometimes we are so busy that that lifeline is just not sufficient.
I'm probably dropping the ball on my end and stupidly wondering why I'm out of the loop. Anyway it's been a drag & I just needed to vent. Things will get better.
Stupid fricken January.

Day 9

Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.

This is an easy one- Elizabeth Ann Toller.
We still text occasionally, maybe like once a year we'll see each other, but it's never been the same since I moved out of our apartment right before I married Matt. But I'll tell ya what, that girl was exactly what I needed at that time. Sometimes God puts people in your life, then they move on, must have other lives to bless, I dunno.
I still laugh just thinking about some of the dumb crap we did & stupid stuff we used to say. Ha! We were freaking awesome! I miss you, hobag!

- Posted from my iPhone

must. have. wallpaper.

Seriously. Could you just die? I want this wallpaper like nobody's business.


- Posted from my iPhone

best day ever.

I honestly think today was my best mothering day. Like ever. No, really. And do you want to know how I define such a wonder?
- no snapping Sawyer's head off when she dawdles, loves her brother a tad to enthusiastically, or just acts like a 5 year old.
- no half-hearted responses to her (many) requests for validation that she is, in fact, the silliest 5 year old to have ever walked the planet.
- played (and actually enjoyed doing so) with each of my children, individually and together without being distracted by things I needed to do, my phone or shiny things.
- helped Cydney with a cute little project without screwing it up.
- made a birthday cake without hiring a certain big screen television as a babysitter. In fact, guess what? Haven't turned the tv on all day. like at all. I know, right?
- in the afternoon I had a great, uplifting conversation with a great, uplifting friend of mine. Thereby renewing my ability to continue said awesome day in the same manner that I started it in.
- actually studied, not just read, scriptures. and loved it. go read Alma 26. Those guys are awesome.
- got up early and went to the gym with Cydney. While we were there I read a great article about happiness in Women's Health magazine. In fact, that article is probably largely responsible for this great day. It really hit me when it said that "what we pay attention to plays a huge role in how happy" you'll be. I have wasted a lot of energy lately paying attention to how futile a lot of the stuff I do on a day-to-day basis is.
That perfectly clean floor is just going to be covered in crumbs as soon as Abram is done eating.
The laundry baskets are always half full again by the time I finish putting away the clean clothes.
If no one can bother to rinse out the sink after they brush their teeth, maybe I should just quit cleaning the bathrooms all together? (shudder)
You know the drill.
But am I cleaning a house? Is that my main goal in life? To keep a house clean? NO! that's pathetic! I'm raising a beautiful, sweet, talented daughter of God. I'm investing in an eternal relationship with the love of my life. I'm nurturing and nourishing a baby who is simply radiant with pure love!! That's what I need to be paying attention to!
"and all other things are simply appendages to it"
I feel like I finally got that today.

Here's hoping that I get it again tomorrow.

Day 8

Someone who has made your life hell, or treated you like {poo}

Well I don't think I've ever really gone into the details of the crap that went in in my first marriage, and that is because I am not a victim. I played a role in the crap that went on. But that part of my life was rather hellacious, and the first thing that came to my mind, so here we go.
Jared and I had a very unhealthy, manipulative and just plain icky relationship.


hmmmm.

I'm not quite sure I want to or should write this post.
I certainly don't know how to go about doing it.
Details or no?

Okay, I'll just say how it has & sometimes still affects my life.

- I have only recently been able to have my throat touched without it throwing me into a full-blown-I-think-I'm-going-to-die panic attack.

- It's taken years & years of a really, really sweet, patient husband to undo the effects of a...how you say?....somewhat less than loving love life.

- I have finally stopped waiting for my "perfect" husband to display some of the horrible traits that my ex, by his actions and his words, assured me were to be expected of men. Boys will be boys type stuff, you know?

- I have finally stopped holding Matt responsible for the junk of "previous cats". That sentence probably made no sense. We don't have any cats, nor will we ever. I was quoting a song. What I mean is... well, here's an example:
let's say that I've got a nice dinner on the table at 6. Matt knows this. Yet, it is 6:08 and he isn't home. The first thought in my head is "oh my gosh he is so freaking rude! I can't believe he doesn't care about all the work I've done around here today. There is nothing worse than eating a cold dinner! He knows I hate that! What in the heck could have been so important that he isn't here? He said he'd be here!"

Whoa! Chill out. Because guess what? He stopped to buy some nice flowers for the table. Now don't you feel like a turd? Why yes. Yes I do. But that's how it goes, I get all defensive and apparently my defense is anger. wheee! What fun it must be to be married to me!

Anyway, I finally don't do that (as much) anymore.

So, yes, Jared treated me like poo. Made my life Hell. This is true. But guess what?

I let him. Well, for a while at least. Then I kicked him out & warshed my hands of him.
Bless his heart.

Day 7

Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Life is worth living on it's own, but it wouldn't be near as fun without these little smudges.



For the record, this is kind of a lame question. Who isn't going to say their kids, their husband or the Savior?
You got a different answer?

- Posted from my iPhone

Day 6

something you hope you never have to do in this life

duh, be a reality tv contestant.

no, just kidding. Bury a child. But that's a little too somber a thought on it's own. Could you imagine me on a tv show? HA! I would want to be the bachelorette for sure.

- Posted from my iPhone

Day 5

something you hope to do in your life


One day I want to go to a girls only surf camp for ten days in Costa Rica with a big group of girlfriends.
You know those ones they always act like you have time & money for in magazines & movies?
I want to do that SO BAD.
Who will join me?



- Posted from my iPhone

Day 4

something you have to forgive someone else for

this is going to sound so incredibly petty. i'm rarely embarrassed and kind of an open book (obviously) but i'm really hesitant to post this because it's so stinking materialistic & immature. but it's 30 days of truth & this is the first thing that came to my mind, so i think that is an indication that it is the truth so (deep breath) here we go-

when matt & i were getting married i was really picky about the invitations for some reason. i ordered them on this really nice thick creamy yummy classy heavy weight paper. the font was entirely yummy. i had slaved over how to word everything properly. i had serious insecurities about being the "used goods" divorcee marrying the beautiful perfect amazing Matt Davis. another thing that made my insecurities worse was the fact that we weren't able to get sealed in the temple right away because of my previous sealing to my ex husband. also Matt & I come from shall we say.... different financial backgrounds. because i was all insecure, it mattered to me that this wedding not be tainted at all by the fact that i had been married before. i didn't want to feel like i had to do it smaller or change it in anyway, because after all, it was Matt's first wedding!

unbeknownst (what a stupid word) to me, my mom (dear sweet woman) had taken a regular black pen & written (in her lovely, perfect script) "no gifts, please" at the bottom of all of the invitations that were going to people who had been invited to my wedding to Jared.

i think mostly it hurt my pride & the illusion that i was trying to create that this was just like any regular "first" wedding.

i was so mad.

like super mad.

and now, 8 years later, i can say that i know that logically, etiquette-lly she was right to want to add that little addendum, but i cannot think about it and still not get a little steamed. i guess i just wish she had talked to me about it. i think it would have been better to have had it printed on at the printer. but even that probably would have been a stretch for me, because that would be like admitting that i had been through all this before & that i already posessed a few housekeeping items. i don't know.

i don't think i'm really mad at her anymore, it's not like it affects our relationship, and i don't ever think about it, but when i do, i get super annoyed still.

isn't that stupid?

let's take a vote

please take a second to click over from your reader & look at my header. on my computer it looks fine, but on others it gets cut off on the right side, thus cutting abram's delicious face out. that of course is not okay. can you see the boy's yummy profile? give me a yes or no in the comments please. (and then if you know how to fix it, you could let me know that too.)

oh and by the way

this is just what i needed to hear lately. sarah is awesome & if you haven't already, you should add her to the blogs you read. and then spend an entire Sunday afternoon reading all her previous posts because nearly every other one is a gem that will help you prioritize your life better. sometimes i think that i must (stupidly mistakenly) think that only utah mormon moms really get what is important, because i'm always shocked to see it out there in the "real world" obviously, i could not be wronger.

Day 3

Name something you have to forgive yourself for.

This is an easy one. I need to forgive myself for ever going on a second date with my ex-husband. The first date was a preview of things to come & I've got no one to blame but myself for how out of hand I let it get by just going on that second date.
He smoked.
He took me to an R rated movie.
He talked to his friend more than me.
He talked like a sailor.
But then he bought me a popsicle....
I had just had my tonsils out & I thought it was rather thoughtful. But really, how completely stupid do you have to be?
I've pretty much gotten over the rest of crap that went on during the messed up relationship that ensued, but I can't stop kicking myself for allowing there to even be a relationship at all. I should have nipped it in the bud, cut 'em off at the pass, insert clever phrase here.

It should have been a non-issue.

My bad.



- Posted from my iPhone

Day 2

Something you love about yourself.

Believe it or not, I have come up with a lot of options for this one, but I have narrowed it down to the one that I think is the most important. The one that affects all the others and pretty much everything I do. I don't know that I can claim much credit for it, it's just kind of always been there, probably thanks in part to my parents & the way I was raised.

I love that I have always known that I have a Heavenly Father who is mindful of me & loves me. I know that I matter.

I can't imagine going through some of the things that I have without this assurance. Matt & I have been talking today about how to deal with hard times & challenges by keeping proper perspective. It is very easy for me to make sense of an unfair world by falling back on this knowledge. I believe that God allows us to go through very difficult things in this life because He wants us to turn to Him. In our joys & failures. Drawing closer to my Father in Heaven is the only way that I know to give meaning to the unfair, awful, impossible things that happen in this life. I know He is there even when He doesn't swoop in & save me or answer all my prayers just how I think He should.
Especially then.
I'm so grateful for this. I love this about me.

Das es dine list

Laura was kind enough to post the 30 days of truth list, so if you want to play along, here's what you're getting yourself into.

(by the by, I'm not around a computer this weekend, and I can't figure out how to add a link on my phone, but Laura's blog, in case you haven't heard me rave about her enough, is at thelolaletters.com)

Want to play along?
Here is the list.
If you decide to do this on your blog,
I'd love to come visit.
Leave a link in the comments sections so we can follow along!

Day 1: Something you dislike about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like {poo}.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.


Join us. It'll be fun.


- Posted from my iPhone

30 days of truth

So in keeping with my desire to not have anything to do with blogs that only show sunshine & rainbows & puppies who don't poop, I like the idea of stealing an idea from my good buddy Laura & whoever she stole it from. The idea is this: 30 days of truth. Everyday I will share a truth, pretty or not. Feel free to play along either in the comments or on your own blog.

Today's is "share something you don't like about yourself."

Well I think I did a fine job of that a few posts ago. But guess what? There's more!
(wow, is this ever not conducive to my "be nice to me" resolution!)

I don't love that I'm SUPER worried about inconveniencing other people. Strangers particularly. I worry about taking up too much space. I worry about my kids being too loud. I worry about asking for help. I worry about chewing my gum too loud. Or talking too loud. Or walking too loud. Or being late. There's got to be a happy medium between being inconsiderate and being (or attempting to be) invisible.

An example? Sure, I've got one fresh in my mind. Just flew into Vegas. With an 8 month old. Its pretty inevitable that there will be a bit of crying, right? Well Abram was awesome, but for a few minutes at the last he was just tired & done & he cried. For like 30 seconds. Matt was wanting to try & help him calm down & I kind of flipped out.

Must. Make. Baby. Shut. Up.

I happen to have on my person the only "binkie" that he will take, so I was all snarky with Matt until he gave him to me.
Tell me, is that normal? To be paranoid that I might be inconveniencing complete strangers? Paranoid to the point of nearly ripping my son out of my sweet husband's arms who was trying so hard to let me relax? Let me know.

What's yours? Let me know that too.

Let's increase the "realness" in the blogging world.


- Posted from my iPhone

YAPPY HUE NEAR!!!

is it just me, or is new year's eve totally over-rated? sometimes i think that if i was a drinker person, maybe it would be a thrill-a-minute, but then i remember that drinking has zero appeal to me what so ever. like not even a little bit. never has. so i guess i just need to enjoy the quiet little friend & family gatherings that make up the new year's eves of my life.
this year we spent the night with our good friends, the Williams' and Cella's. we had a feast of Chinese food, egg nog cheesecake & cupcakes from the cocoa bean. the adults snuck into rick & annetta's bedroom to watch the other guys (funny buddy cop movie) while the kids played the wii, tormented the dogs and devoured the better part of a costco sized barrel of cheeto balls.
a good time was had by all.
until about 11:05 when Abram woke up & let us know that he was completely over not being in his own bed. buddy had had it up to here.
so we went home & were all in bed before the ball dropped.
and i am fine with it.

last year matt & i each set some goals & they have been up on the fridge for the entirety of 2010.
i feel pretty good about my performance resolution-wise. here they are:
- have a healthy baby.... check! (ten bonus points for the fact that he is remarkably amazing and entirely too yummy)
- be a better mom (patience) .... obviously this is always a work in progress, but i think i consistently progressed throughout the year
- more consistent scriptures & prayers.... um, did pretty good there while i was preggers, but since giving birth to Abram, it's kinda gone in the toilet.
- keep my car clean... i do try. i empty the garbage areas quite frequently... it's on my radar.
- plant & take care of a good garden.... this one may not have been entirely fair for me to expect of myself. i had a baby in May for goodness sakes. but it grew & we got some stuff out of it.
- back down to driver's license weight by end of year.... well the last time i stood on a scale, i was 2.5 pounds above this goal, so i say that's alright. (keep in mind that this was before this weekend's cupcake debacle)
- no more lunches out.... there was a time there for a while that sawyer & i were doing lunch quite a bit. no more. easier on our budget & my girlish figure. and my daughter's sense of entitlement.

not too shabby
but what great things will 2011 teach me?
like i mentioned earlier, i hope to quit comparing my(worst)self to others (best) quite so much.
and while we are on the subject, that last post, you know, the one about how i don't do a very good job of focusing on my strengths.... yeah i hope that no one took that like i was fishing for compliments. it was soooo not that. i almost wish i had disabled comments on it because, although it always nice to hear people say that they think you are super swell, it was not what i was getting at. i just really want to start being a bit kinder to myself.
so for 2011, let's do that!
resolution #1- be kind to me
resolution #2- scriptures & prayers
resolution #3- assume the best of others

i think i'm going to keep it simple this year. those 3 kind of cover everything though, don't they?
what are you going to work on in 2011?