Thursday, January 13, 2011

Day 8

Someone who has made your life hell, or treated you like {poo}

Well I don't think I've ever really gone into the details of the crap that went in in my first marriage, and that is because I am not a victim. I played a role in the crap that went on. But that part of my life was rather hellacious, and the first thing that came to my mind, so here we go.
Jared and I had a very unhealthy, manipulative and just plain icky relationship.


I'm not quite sure I want to or should write this post.
I certainly don't know how to go about doing it.
Details or no?

Okay, I'll just say how it has & sometimes still affects my life.

- I have only recently been able to have my throat touched without it throwing me into a full-blown-I-think-I'm-going-to-die panic attack.

- It's taken years & years of a really, really sweet, patient husband to undo the effects of you say?....somewhat less than loving love life.

- I have finally stopped waiting for my "perfect" husband to display some of the horrible traits that my ex, by his actions and his words, assured me were to be expected of men. Boys will be boys type stuff, you know?

- I have finally stopped holding Matt responsible for the junk of "previous cats". That sentence probably made no sense. We don't have any cats, nor will we ever. I was quoting a song. What I mean is... well, here's an example:
let's say that I've got a nice dinner on the table at 6. Matt knows this. Yet, it is 6:08 and he isn't home. The first thought in my head is "oh my gosh he is so freaking rude! I can't believe he doesn't care about all the work I've done around here today. There is nothing worse than eating a cold dinner! He knows I hate that! What in the heck could have been so important that he isn't here? He said he'd be here!"

Whoa! Chill out. Because guess what? He stopped to buy some nice flowers for the table. Now don't you feel like a turd? Why yes. Yes I do. But that's how it goes, I get all defensive and apparently my defense is anger. wheee! What fun it must be to be married to me!

Anyway, I finally don't do that (as much) anymore.

So, yes, Jared treated me like poo. Made my life Hell. This is true. But guess what?

I let him. Well, for a while at least. Then I kicked him out & warshed my hands of him.
Bless his heart.


Melissa said...

You know I'm a true believer that for as many horrible people there are out there, there are more good ones.
Matt has proven this to you over and over.
I also think you're proving this to yourself with the progress you're making.
The more progress you make Celeste the more you prove that your ex was wrong about you and wrong about A LOT of men.
I feel sorry for him, I know so many good men who treat women well, what was this guys life like growing up that he didnt' have these good examples?
At least your children have you and Matt, that's all I gotta say.

Jen Nelson said...

Wow. So many similarities!! The first year I was married to my husband and I would hear the garage door go up (meaning he was home) I would have a panic attack because that's when all the "fun" started. Stupid ex-husbands!

Yay for you for moving on in a most awesome way!

the Lola Letters said...

Yes, he is a horrible, bastard-y butt-hole...bless his lil' heart ;)

Ha ha! Yay!