Good times at the instacare!

Yesterday Sawyer had a bit of a fever so we just kind of hung out at home. That was a huge change from the globetrotting lifestyle we've adopted since Abram was born. Actually yesterday's missed ballet class was supposed to be our inaugural foray out into the world with two kids. We opted for the instacare instead when I realized that the fever I thought she had been napping off all afternoon had actually risen to 104.9. Scared me witless I tell you. She had also developed this weird chemical-burn looking thing on the back of her calf,


that I was starting to think was some sort of poisionous spider bite. Matt left a closing in the hands of Thor (his boss, not the Norse god of thunder) and met us there, apparently bawling & praying the whole way there. She has cellulitis, a bacterial infection of some nasty sort. The doctor said he was surprised she hadn't had it before because her excema makes her skin more fragile. So she got a shot & antibiotics & was skipping around a half hour later.
So today we had to go in for a follow up and it had grown, so guess what! Yup, 'nother shot AND a blood draw just for fun. And not just any blood draw, oh no, a blood draw by two of the most frighteningly troll-ish looking nurses I've ever laid eyes on. Not kidding. Facial worts with big old hairs growing out, huge burn scars, gnarly rough old hands....it was almost comical. These are the women they put in pediatrics?? Sorry, I know this sounds soooo mean. Anyway, I had to pretty much lay down on top of Sawyer while they did it to hold her still. Abram had slept like an angel until this point, but woke up to participate in a screaming duet with his sister, then promptly went back to sleep once she was done. It sucked.
On a brighter note....
So far I'm the luckiest mom of two on the planet. Abram gets a sleepy nurse right before we go to bed around 11 then again at 4 am, and then sleeps till 9. He's a week old today & I could handle this schedule forever.
I think going from zero kids to one was way harder than one to two for me personally. With Sawyer I was so anal about BabyWise that I never took the time to just enjoy comforting & being with her. It was always "the book says she should be soothing herself...the book says she should only eat for this long...blah blah blah.". Lame. With two there is no time for that, he eats, he sleeps, he poops & that's about all my requirements are this go round. It feels good. Sawyer is warming right up to him. Every second he is awake she wants to "see hims little eyes". She pets his nose & holds his hand & sniffs his head. I love it.

- Posted from my iPhone

abram's birth documented

okay, so here's the deal. at abram's birth, God sent down his personal photographer to document the goings-on. I'm not even kidding, that's how good she is.

Jessica Kettle, ladies & gentlemen.

The chic pulled an all-nighter at 6 months pregnant to do this HUGE favor for me & acts like it was actually me doing her a favor. Unbelievable. Well, at any rate, I am stupefied by the beauty of her work. So yeah, go to here to check out my baby's birth. Don't worry, there are no bits nor pieces that ought not be on the Internet.

And as for baby, he is awesome. Just a calm little old soul. He loves to be snuggled & really only cries for communication purposes. I am 100 thousand times less crazy this time around than I was after I had Sawyer, going au natural was the greatest. Honestly. It was so freaking fantastic to actually be working with my body & have the amazing support of my husband in what I was doing. words cannot express. If you have any desire at all, like at all, to go sans epidural, I would totally encourage you to do it. Recovery has been so much easier & the baby has been so alert & fun without any drugs in him right from the get-go.

The funniest thing about him though, is the fact that this is how he is with his binkie-

not even kidding. We've named it Precious. And Abram is a fiend. Sawyer didn't even even once take a binkie, so I frankly don't know how I feel about this. Actually yes, I sure do, especially all night when it falls out of his mouth & he needs someone to put it back in. that's not fun. but other than that (and engorged boobs) we are doing great. I've been completely blown away by the amount of love & support that our friends, neighbors & family have shown us. blown away, i tell ya.

Sawyer is doing pretty well, I think we prepared her as well as we could, but it's an adjustment. she has done a few little random things that are weird, like last night, washing her hands with toothpaste instead of soap....odd. does someone feel that she needs a tad bit more attention, perhaps? she's so cool though. She keeps trying to say this little saying that my nephew taught her "you get what you get & you don't throw a fit", but most times it comes out as a more directly applicable variation on it, like if I've asked her (repeatedly) to go choose her books for bedtime, she'll saunter off to do it finally, saying to herself "you go get your books & you don't not get your books."

each day we get a little better adjusted to life with two kids, and it looks like it's going to suit us just fine.

Look what I made!

Abram Douglas Davis
9 pounds, 8 ounces
22 1/2 inches long
6:04 am Thursday May 6 2010
gigantic feet
patient old soul
and yes, no epidural
awesome, life-changing, beautifully spiritual birth. More details to come.





- Posted from my iPhone

this time last birth....

I've been thinking bunches lately about this whole waiting period of "when in the crud is this baby going to get here already?" It reminds me of waiting for Sawyer to get here, and I can't help but be completely overwhelmed by gratitude for life & all that comes with it, good & bad.
this time last birth we were...
.....living at my parents house while they were on their first mission, a huge blessing, but also extremely frustrating to me as my nesting instincts took over my brain & made me want to rip carpet & wallpaper up & redo their entire house
...anxiously hoping that by some miracle something would happen with Matt's job so that I wouldn't have to go back to work after I had Sawyer
...completely obsessed with a certain other baby of ours & I personally couldn't imagine having enough love in my heart for Matt, Charlie AND a baby (seriously, I really thought that)...driving a minivan, which frankly sucked, but was very serviceable, and was an incredible sacrifice on Matt's part because he sold his beautiful truck (man, I love him!)
...rather more fat in the face than I am now. With Sawyer, and with Abram, my main goal was to keep it under 200 pounds (please remember that I am six feet tall). With Sawyer I succeeded, with Abram not so much, I was 201.4 today. wowza. But I like to think that it is due to the fact that I have a higher percentage of muscle, and it weighs more than the fat, right? Right? Because although my hands & feet look rather hobbit-like this go-round, at least my face seems to have escaped the swelling....unmedicated. On my part at least, and I'm so super excited to see how a little Wellbutrin XL does to combat the icky postpartum I experienced with Sawyer
...super uninformed. Super ill-prepared. But we made it okay, Sawyer is still alive & clearly didn't suffer too much from our lack of any idea as to what we were getting ourselves into.

But really, can you ever prepare for something that life changing? You have no idea how different things will be, you can't even imagine the love, frustration, humility, anxiety that you will go through. But especially the love. I have come to understand so much why the family is "central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children". How else could we have any idea of how much He loves us? Of how easily He will to forgive us if we just are even a smidge repentant? Of how much He wants to "open to you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it"?

(one of my favorite photos courtesy of the lovely Laura Dugovic)

I talk all the time about how cool I think my kid is, but that really just scratches the surface. It's a futile attempt at explaining something that I cannot even wrap my brain around, let alone my words.

And I cannot wait to see what having Abram will bring into our lives. I cannot wait to find out what kind of a person he will be. When I was about 13 I met a cute boy named Abram. He was nice & we watched 4th of July fireworks together on his trampoline at a joint family barbecue. But the thing that I love about this name is that to me it speaks of potential. Of the potential that we can have once we "let go & let God." I hope that our son will get this concept. Of how much better and easier our lives become when we stop thinking that we can control everything, that we know better & just trust that we do have a Heavenly Father who knows & loves us. Heck, I hope that I will one day get this concept. I'm such a control freak, even in conceiving this baby. I know I had to be put through the wringer with those two miscarriages to come to understand that His timing is vastly more important (and correct) than my timing. I was trying to plan having a baby around our vacation schedule for Pete's sake!

Anyway, I'm just so grateful to be given the opportunity to attempt to raise another child of God, man, what a responsibility! It's kind of ridiculous, actually.

The Lusty Month of May

Ever since I was a little girl being carted around in a beat-up station wagon my very favorite broadway musical has been Camelot. I remember listening to the soundtrack holding the cassette tape cover tenderly, gazing at the beautiful 60s artwork & thinking that Vanessa Redgrave was the most beautiful woman on the planet. Now knowing the story, I'm surprised my mom let us listen to it. It's completely immoral, but whatevs, it's got great music, right? Anyway, the point of this story is that it's May! And every single May 1st I get the urge to dance around a Maypole & sing this song at the top of my lungs, and for the most part, people look at me like I'm a nut because I think most people aren't familiar with this musical. It's a very sad thing to me. Do you know it?
Anyway, today I'll be singing this

and tonight I'll be watching the whole 60s-arific film with my husband, I don't care if I have to chain him down & prop his eyes open with toothpicks. He's gonna love it, by damn!
And p.s. Julie Andrews also played Guinevere in another film. It's not the same. I adore Julie Andrews, but Vanessa Redgrave just....ohhhh....she's amazing, the intonation in her voice in all the songs.....ahhhhhh. You can totally see how she became kind of a medieval skank, Lancelot didn't stand a chance.

I have a Target problem.

A while ago I posted about my Target problem, and since then things have decidedly NOT improved. Today I went in for a $4 prescription for this disgusting thing (mental note to me: QUIT PICKING AT ZITS, IN-GROWNS & HANG-NAILS!!!!)and came out $97.45 later. I was just proud that it was under a hundy. Barely.
But guess what? They have Breyer's ice cream quarts for like $2.67, a great price on it's own, but if you buy five, you get a $5 gift card!
Luckyyyy.
So now I'm off to have my pre-dinner ice cream. Oh, don't worry, there will be post-dinner ice cream as well. You don't get to be 200£ plus without pre & post dinner ice cream.Everyone swore I'd dropped this week. It felt like I'd dropped this week. Kinda looks like it to me, but Doctor Wood says not so much & I'm still chillin' at 2 1/2 centimeters. Dude is in there to stay. My bad for having a cozy womb & a huge torso. They don't call me Thorax for nothing.



can you tell I'm bored? Two posts in one day?

oh no! what if he doesn't come soon?

So in waiting for this baby to pop out (zero progress btw) I just realized that if he goes over by a few days I won't have any excuse to ignore Matt's birthday like I was planning to. Abram is due on the 8th and my darling husband's birthday is the 11th. Normally I spend months & months planning all sorts of secretive plans; I like to do his birthday fairly big & pride myself in being a "good-gifter". This year I just assumed that I'd be in a new-baby stupor & told Matt that he could plan on me ignoring his birthday. But after our visit with the doctor today, I doubt that will be the case.
We agreed that his Memorial Day golf trip to Seattle would suffice for birthday love this year, but I can't just ignore it if I'm still "with child" when the actual day rolls around!
So I'm looking for ideas, just quick cheap fun things that would help him know how lucky I am to have him in my life. You know.... stuff that a 9 month preggers woman could pull off. Help a chic out here, please!

A few things of note...

#1- Loreli Gilmore/Sarah Braverman/Lauren Graham


I love you. I'm so beyond happy to have you back in my life. You are like comfort food for my brain. And your new show makes me feel like life is completely do-able. I LOVE it. And I want your hair.
#2- the TingTings. Freaking awesome. Whole album.
#3- Lee Dewyze. I called it last year with (the yummy) Kris Allen, and I'm calling it again. Lee is going to be the winner. I called it on facebook in the 3rd week. I freaking love him. And no, Casey James is NOT attractive. I just have to say that everywhere I can because my husband's work wife & I are in a fight about it.
#4- girls. Girls need girls. I don't care how old you are, how busy you are, how wonderful your kids and/or husband are, you NEED girlfriends. Last night I was able to go out with Kierstin, Laura, Stacey & Kirsten, and I feel like a brand new person after eating fantastic food & laughing my brains out. And you know how sometimes when you mix groups of friends it doesn't always go well? Not so last night. I had only met Stacey last night & I pretty much want to keep her in my pocket. It was so much fun.
#5- my daughter is cool. She let's me nap everyday. She makes me smile all the time. She gives great butterfly kisses. She shares like a pro. She understands things that I would never expect her to. She is ridiculously patient & forgiving. She's got a lust for life that'd give Iggy Pop a run for his money.
#6- I think I'm about done with the gym. I've only been going about 2-3 times a week for the last few weeks, but since it takes me 3 days of bed rest to recover, and the fact that my groin feels like it's going to shatter any second, I think it's about time to put the ol' membership on hold. Sad.
#7- 10 days out from my due date & I've pretty much about had it. Bring it on.
- Posted from my iPhone

Wow. Just wow.

I just saw a little ad online for the morning after pill. First off, it was on a healthy pregnancy/natural childbirth site. Maybe not their key demographic. Second off, the ad included a website address that went a little something like this: www.becausetheunexpectedhappens.com.
REALLY?
You didn't expect to drop trou & engage in the pretense of an intimate relationship with someone that you would NOT like to be tied to for the rest of your natural life?
You "accidentally" had sex & now would like to NOT deal with the possible consequences of your rather grown-up actions?
Give me a break.




ever so small print- rape is a whole other ballgame, I'm not going there with this rant.

- Posted from my iPhone

Proud mama moment

I don't consider this much of a "mama-blog", I'm too self-involved & need a place to vent, so that's what this is. But I need to do a better job of recording the fun, silly and/or amazing things my daughter does & says, and since I'm not digital scrapbooking right now, I think I'll start putting more things like that here.
With that said...
Today I was in the shower when Sawyer came in.
"momma guess what I just did!"
(oh crap, I'm thinking, I've left her pretty unsupervised over the last hour...)
"what sweetheart?"
"I just said my own prayers all by my lone!"
(she's been very resistant to saying prayers lately)
"oh yeah? How does that make your heart feel when you talk to Heavenly Father?"
"so, so, so, so, so, so, nice & good! And I asked for daddy & me to be safe while we swim today! And we will be!"
Yup, that's what my kid does while she's unsupervised for a while.
That and empty out her crayon bank alllll over her room.

- Posted from my iPhone

How can I resist these abs?

Anybody know anybody who has a pair of those "toning" shoes? Do they work? Like at all? I want those abs, and although I know damn well that those abs have never born children & that to even come close would require a diet more strict than I am willing to even attempt, advertising is powerful & I'm thisclose to dropping the hundie on these freaking gimmicky shoes.


- Posted from my iPhone

I'm abusing this shirt

Can you hear this poor shirt screaming for mercy??





"help! Help! I'm not even maternity! I'm not supposed to be stretched like this!"

And I still have three weeks left. Wowza. And the jury is hung on whether lots of spazzy baby activity means that
A) he's a super-spaz & wants out STAT or
B) if he's got enough room to move around that much, then he might be in there for the long haul.
What do you think?
'cuz I'm just about done. D.U.N. Stick a fork in me. Between the carpal tunnel, the fat, swollen man-hands & hobbit-feet, the aching hips, the lung capacity of a field mouse, and the fact that it takes me three days to recouperate from a half hour workout. Let's just say that I'm ready to meet this little dude.
We are so excited. I think Sawyer more than anyone.


- Posted from my iPhone

Abram's Nursery

I finally finished it! And I gotta tell ya, you all were soooo right in telling me to paint the furniture black. It looks rad. (If only I had asked for your advise about coloring my hair!) And thank the good Lord up in Heaven that my friend Jenni offered to let me borrow her paint sprayer. Painting sucks, but not so much with a proper sprayer.
Actually I haven't hung the stuff up on the walls, so I guess it's not completely done.... but frankly I'm exhausted & too excited to show how it turned out.
Here is a shot of the majority of the room.This is the blanket that started it all. I saw this on etsy, bought it & asked the girl where she got the fabric thinking I should make a few other things for him, then saw that there were coordinating yet not too matchy-matchy fabrics that went along with it (the fans & bubbles) and went crazy from there. Sometimes I forget I can sew because I hardly ever do it, but apparently I can. Yay me. Anyway the super soft cream fabric on the back of that blanket pretty much exactly goes with the rug that I found at Lowe's last night & yes, I about flipped a lid when I found it because I thought I was going to have to shear a sheep & learn to weave in order to find what I wanted in a rug.
This'll be our little nursing corner, awesome chair, boppy, soft lighting, place to put a book or two. Heaven. I'm actually getting so excited to have a needy little thing that keeps me up at night. Really.

This is my "bump" (ewwww I hate double HATE that term) with the dresser & mirror. (please don't mind the fact that my pajamas in no way, shape or form go together. I have officially given up on trying to be cute.) Oh, also please note the "message in a bottle" bottle on the dresser. I was given the most amazing, asthetically pleasing baby shower of all time. Jessica you are a goddess. I want to be like you when I grow up. The fact that I have zero pictures from the shower attest to the fact that I had the greatest time ever. It was just what I needed to have so many amazing women that I love so much all in the same room at the same time. (eating amazing food & giving me amazing gifts doesn't hurt either.) These are the cute little wooden letters that I modge-podged the fishy fabric onto. They'll go on the changing table/crib wall. This is the freaking darling pinwheel mobile my awesome sister-in-law Jen made. I love it, and if you're having a baby anytime soon, you'll prolly be getting one, so be thinking of what colors you'd like yours in.
Anyway, I love how it's looking. I'm also debating making a valance or window treatment of some kind, cuz that window is very blah. However that is pretty much a mystery area of home decor to me. Suggestions?
So excited to meet our little dude!!!
Only 4 weeks 6 days! (according to the due date that I'm not supposed to be paying any attention to)

Jozet & Haydn's Wedding

Once upon a time a beautiful princess (widow with seven awesome kids) met a handsome (really, he is. Just not so much in these pictures) prince. They had known each other 20 years ago when he worked at her castle (sports & preforming arts school she & her husband ran). Since then a lot had happened. He was in the kingdom (for his niece's wedding) and thought he would go see how they were doing. He first stopped at the princess's .......
wait, this fairy tale format is getting waaay tedious.
here's the deal:
My second oldest sister is bad. Seriously. She's gorgeous, funny & like the most righteous (yet down to earth) woman you'll ever meet. Eight years ago her also amazing husband passed away, leaving her with 6 strapping lads & one beautiful daughter to raise. Yes, seven kids. I know, right? Well, when Lance was alive, 20 years ago, they had this dance/sports training school & there was this guy, Haydn that was their karate teacher and one of Lance's very good friends. He is originally from South Africa, and has the coolest accent. The dude is like 100% charisma & humility & awesomeness. Anyway, they hadn't stayed in touch, he was off living in Australia, or Hawaii or Florida just doing his thing after their school closed. So a few weeks ago he was back in Idaho for his niece's wedding & thought he'd stop in on Lance's parents (who he had lived with for a while). He finds out that Lance has since passed away & they encouraged him to go see Jozet & the kids. So they all go to dinner that night & catch up. Two weeks later they're engaged. Three weeks later they're married. Today they are in South Africa on their honeymoon. I pretty much just sucked the romance right out of the story by telling it so matter of factually like that, but it's been awesome to see it all unfold for her. So awesome to see how Heavenly Father takes care of those who do their very best to be obedient & to listen to & follow the spirit. Jozet is a phenomenal person, and I'm quickly coming to realize that Haydn is as well & I'm so freaking excited to see their life together. And I get to!!! They're moving to Provo this summer & I CAN.NOT. wait to have another of my sisters closer than a 3 hour drive.

Ballet Recital

This is Sawyer's second year of ballet at Creative Arts Academy, and although she did struggle with having a new, more disciplined teacher, she now loves Miss Kristina and loves "ballet-day." When they announced that the recital this year would be Swan Lake she was thrilled out of her mind because she loves the Barbie movie version of Swan Lake. And the fact that she got to be a unicorn really added to that excitement. There were a lot of days where she was really tired and not in the mood at all to rehearse or even go to ballet & I was so so so so proud of her because every time she would stick with it & try her best. That's better than I can do half the time. She's a rock star.This may sound creepy, but I think she just has the most beautiful body. She's always on her tip toes, and it shows in her legs like crazy. She's very strong & I love this picture of her back. One day, if she chooses to continue in ballet I think she'll like this picture, her posture is gorgeous. I pray that I can always teach & show her that being tall is way beautiful & I hope that she carries herself with pride & grace. I've tried to be very conscientious of the attitude I am helping her develop towards food, I don't want her to have any food/body issues. It is very important to me that I teach her to look at food as merely fuel, and to keep in mind that moderation & variety are much more important than any "diet". This seems so important to me in raising a daughter. If this is something you're concerned about or even want to straighten out your own messed up relationship with food, one book I would strongly recommend is Intuitive Eating.
Anyway, back to my amazing daughter. She's amazing. I can't wait to see what she does with her life. She's stubborn, that's for sure, and Matt & I are trying to figure out how to make that work for her (and us). One thing is sure though- once she knows what is the right thing to do, I dare you to tempt her to not do it. She is going to be such a great big sister. She talks all the time about things she's going to teach Abram & share with him. I know it'll be a tough adjustment, she's been used to being the center of our universe for a very long time, but I think she's going to be just great. In every way possible.

Quit being so lazy already, Celeste

I have tons of stuff i need to blog about; sawyer's ballet recital, an amazing baby shower, my sister is getting married Saturday (after a two minute engagement), my right hand is nearing completely useless proportions due to pregnancy induced carpal tunnel....delightful for making cakes, let me tell ya. Anyway, by the time I have a chance to sit down & blog, I'm tired & just want to sit & rot my brain with biggest loser, parenthood (LOVE), and American Idol.
And now guess what. I can't even remember what I was going to even say!
OHH wait, yes I do!
I'm trying to fill in gaps in baby's wardrobe, and am realizing that I have NO idea how to dress a summer baby, let alone a boy. And guess what else? I pretty much hate everything in nearly every store I go into. Puppies, trucks, tools & bears? Seriously? Those are my options? So yeah, what do I need for a little dude who is going to spend his first few months in a sling of some sort (need suggestions here as well) going to Grandma Susie's pool & the zoo with his big sister?

- Posted from my iPhone

Calling all moms

Go read this: http://memoriesoncloverlane.blogspot.com/2010/01/th-e-best-things-in-life-are-nearest.html


- Posted from my iPhone

Bendaroos are not my favorite

Will someone please explain to me how it is okay for the manufacturers of a product to use the words "no mess" on a product that leaves this much disgusting, impossible to remove residue on everything it touches. How is that okay?
So any suggestions as to how to remove waxy buildup from a glass table?


- Posted from my iPhone

Ever so much better, thank you.

First, thanks everyone for kind & understanding comments. Motherhood is pretty universal, isn't it? Also, mental note to me: Everytime I think I should spare Matt the drama & just deal with something on my own, it never gets better until I cave & spill it all on his kind, patient shoulders. He knows me better than anyone, my strengths as well as my weaknesses & gives FANTASTIC advice. If we weren't married I sure hope that we'd be friends because he is the type of friend that would literally give you the shirt off his back & a big 'ol patient shoulder to cry on. (also if he's just given you the shirt off his back & is now letting you cry on his shoulder, you are 3x blessed because you now have a lovely view of his newly improved body & who doesn't like friends like that? Generous, patient, good listener AND hot? Sheesh)
Anyway, I just have to take things one day at a time & as Ashely said, remember that soon I'll be soooo in love with this little guy that any crazy boy behavior will be deal-with-able.

Who do you talk to when no one wants to hear it?

Heck, I don't even want to hear it anymore. But after a particularly "challenging" morning with Sawyer, I have to vent or else I think I might spontaneously combust, and then who would pick her up from preschool?

I am TERRIFIED to have this baby.

Is that okay to say? Take for instance a morning such as this. How in the wide, wide world of sports am I supposed to deal with Sawyer, much less parent with patience, while I also have a squirmy, needy little infant & probably no sleep?

That I could not murder one of my loved ones at some point seems to me a mathematical impossibility.

And the suckiest thing of all is that I feel like I have zero appropriate options of people to vent to.
My husband is obviously my standard go-to guy, but he's got his plate way more than full with work & stuff right now, and it's one of those times where I would much rather attempt to swallow whatever ickiness I have going on & try to create a home that is restful for him to come home to. Notice I used the word "attempt". Rarely do I succeed in that venture.

Then you have any of my close friends...my high school friends are all successfully rocking 4 kids. I would feel more than a little stupid voicing my anxiety over my 1.5 kids.
I have a few girlfriends whose lives more closely match my own, pregnant with one kid, but I hesitate to talk to them because they:
a) are incredibly sick with their pregnancies, and me with my little la-dee-dah easy pregnancy should probably just shut up
b) are running successful businesses or working full time in addition
c) are freaking amazing moms who attend the temple weekly, crochet baby booties for the homeless shelters, bake cupcakes for Haiti..... you get the picture
d) have struggled with infertility or miscarriage, and have the sense (unlike me) to just be grateful that seed has finally found shelter in their rocky shore of a womb.
or e) some combination thereof.

And then there's my mom... another excellent option normally, but I'm just not ready this morning to deal with reason & practicality.

It seems like life is just not all it's cracked up to be sometimes & I'd really like to go curl up in the fetal position (if that were physically possible for me to do anymore) and have a good cry in some dark corner of my basement. That is a luxury I cannot afford right now. There's stuff to do & not enough time to do it in. Sometimes I feel like a rat running on a wheel going nowhere with a whole lot of effort. Sometimes I feel completely, totally incapable of doing all that is going to be required of me in the extremely near future.