family day

Yesterday was so much fun! I went to the gym earlyish and then we took Sawyer up to Grandma Susie's to swim. Sawyer was using a bucket and dumping water out of the kiddie pool onto the edge of the pool, and having a lovely time until she leaned over too far and fell into the pool. I was nearby on the grass laying out, and I think I probably set a new long jump record to get her out. She was fine of course, hardly even startled, but it scared the begebees out of me! Nobody wants to see their child floating face down in the water, not even for a split second. We had a nice lunch at Susie's then everyone settled down for naps. Then while Matt went golfing I took Sawyer, Caroline and her friend to see Ratatouille at the Gateway. Sawyer LOVED it! She hasn't ever stayed that focused in a theater, which probably isn't a good thing at her age. It was really fun though. Today we had Susie over for dinner, I got some recipes for Cafe Rio stuff, and it turned out really yummy. So, yeah, a good weekend. Rossi & I get to go to the Incubus concert on Tuesday, and that's my main excitement this week. Kinda nice not to blog all dramatic-like like I have lately.

distractions, distractions, distrations

Holy cow, just when you start to figure something really great out, all hell breaks loose to keep you from it. I have felt so much opposition and confusion about EVERYTHING right now, it is driving me crazy. I recently have started to develop some very good, important habits that will help me be a better mother, wife and person in general, things that are tiny little tweaks to what I normally do, but seem to make such a huge difference in my attitude throughout the day, and it just feels like Satan knows what an effect these things will have on me & my family and he is throwing everything in the book at me to get me distracted or off on another tangent! It's such a joke! I spent yesterday doing just fine, got up, worked out, did my studying and thankfulness time, had a lovely visit with Caroline, Matt's niece who had stayed over to babysit while Matt & I went to the dry pack on Wednesday night, and then we went to run some errands on the way to take Caroline home. I figured I'd go buy Becky, Matt's sister a birthday present, so we stopped at Barnes and Nobel to get Twilight, this vampire book that my friends cannot shut up about. Anyway, I was also looking for this book I heard about on the Morning Show about helping your daughter avoid body image issues and eating disorders, which they didn't have in stock, but I got distracted by a book called "Skinny Bi---" which at the time seemed to be a kind of smart diet book. Turns out it is a vegan bible riddled with all sorts of other foul language while it tells you of the evils of eating meat, non-organic produce and the FDA. I read over 100 pages of it while Sawyer was napping, it was absolutely riveting because it was so dramatically written, telling of the inhumane ways animals are slaughtered and the disgusting additives and preservatives that go into our foods, and what they do to our bodies. I do not know how much of it is true. It is very confusing and nauseating. By the time Matt came home I was worked into such a frenzy I had already ordered a vegetarian "starter kit" from PETA's website. If you know Matt you will be having a bit of a chuckle right now. He really, reallllly hates PETA, veganism and "all those hippie animal rights type people." I went to lds.org to see what the church had to say about it, and of course it just talked about moderation in all things, but I still really feel strongly about changing our diets to be much more focused on eating fresh fruits and vegetables and whole grains and legumes and really, REALLY cutting back on meat. Anyway, the moral of the story is that I am having a hard time focusing on what is really important, and that was really solidified to me today while I was reading scriptures and praying, and that is having the Spirit in our home. And I believe it's my responsibility primarily. The things I say, do, listen to, read, watch, buy, put up with or tolerate will all either positively or negatively affect the ability of the Holy Ghost to dwell in our home & in our hearts. That's the bottom line. All this other crap will not make a difference in any one's eternal salvation. So yeah, tweak our families diet a bit, great, but going all extreme is not going to do anything but shift my focus from what is important. Anyway, after that great peace I felt today, not ten minutes later I hear someone on my front porch & Charlie starts barking, which is very annoying when Sawyer is sleeping, so I go out to look and, someone has put a pamphlet on our door knob. I don't want your crap! This is a trigger for me for some reason, I got really mad & threw it in our garbage can outside. Five minutes later I hear it again and storm out there and tell off the poor little 15 year old kid running around doing someones dirty work. There goes the Spirit. See ya later. I was seriously soooo mad, it was totally embarrassing, I keep looking outside to see if they pass by again so I can apologize. So I had a little breakdown and called Matt & vented which always helps, and then turned on the movie "Finding Faith in Christ" which really calmed me down. You know the part where the woman is taken in adultery and he says "Woman, where are thine accusers? Hath no man condemned thee?" and she says "no man, Lord." Jesus says back to her "Neither do I condemn thee. Go and sin no more." That 's the thing to remember: He isn't sitting there holding things over our heads, so why should we? Once we repent and make the commitment to do better, just go ahead and do better, don't waste your energy hating yourself for stuff that's in the past! Very good lesson for me today. Moving on.

fun things Sawyer is doing lately

Here's a few little Sawyer-isms as of late, stories I can't help but tell people because, I'm sorry, but she's just so stinkin' cute!
- while I was at enrichment last night, Matt said she pulled all three of her little kid sized chairs out into the front room around the coffee table and then brought out Pooh Bear, Elmo and her enflatable Lion and put them in the chairs. She went around and folded all of their arms and said "prayers" before they "ate". She's such a little silly goose.
- as sacrament meeting is winding down each week, she starts saying "bubbles?" meaning she's ready to go to nursery, then she pulls me down the hall and up the stairs to nursery. Once she gets settled with a toy, she turns to me and waves bye-bye.
- we went up to the outlets at Park City yesterday, BCBG was having a HUGE sale, oh my goodness, I loved it. Anyway, she loved trying on all the beautiful heels and picking out a different purse every few minutes. The sales people were eating out of her hand. She found all these bikini tops and put them around her neck, and would strut around like she was so grown up! It was hilarious!
- monday night when we were having scriptures with her little picture scriptures, she grabbed her teddy bear and held him on her lap and would repeat what we were saying to her, to her bear. She would point at the picture and then look at the bear and go "Jesus." It was so sweet. Her little soul is so sweet and open to the gospel, she just seems to want to pray and understands somehow that this is very important. She must be able to feel the Spirit at this point already. I LOVE IT!

things about me

Kirsten this is for you, it's lame though because you probably know all these answers

4 Jobs I've held:
1. bagel girl
2. shipping supervisor
3. various accounting jobs
4. cake designer/baker/mom
Movies I Can Watch Over & Over:
1. Anchorman
2. Bandits
3. Ocean's anything
4. Lady Hawk
Places I Have Lived:
1. West Bountiful, UT
2. Centerville, UT
3. Bountiful, Utah
4. Midvale, UT(all very exciting I know)
5. Layton, UT
T.V. Shows I Enjoy
1. Prison Break
2. The Office
3. Gilmore Girls reruns (I'm still in mouring about the fact that it's not on anymore)
4. What Not To Wear
Places I have Been on Vacation:
1. The Bahamas
2. Hawaii
3. Mexico
4. France
Favorite Foods
1. Ice Cream
2. Crab
3. Sweet Pork Salad from Costa Vida
4. Miso Salmon from Z Tejas
Websites I visit (almost daily)
1. Hotmail
2. Favorite blogs
3. travel planning places depending on what in next on the docet
4. Brad's Deals
Places I'd Rather Be right now
1. on the beach in Maui
2. at the gym
3. laying out at a pool somewhere
4. at matt's softball game

Thanks Kirsten, that was fun.

yeah for IKEA!

How cute is my girl with her new table and chairs and tea set?

She LOVES it.

I want an f-ing car!

(sorry for the pseudo-profanity if you don't know that reference.)
So, for Matt's birthday/father's day gift, I arranged a trip to Denver to see John Mayer in concert at Red Rocks, a Colorado Rockies game and plenty of golfing. I got a super cheap fare, and things just escalated, and we were really excited to have a quick getaway with just us. Plus, I love golfing with Matt & we haven't been able to do it since we had Sawyer. When I was pregnant we used to go quite often, I'd drive the cart and we'd just talk and enjoy the beautiful course. Anyway, we had checked in online, and weren't in a big rush to get to the airport, so we went to the gateway and ran some errands on the way. We left the Cruiser in long term parking and took the shuttle over to the terminal and things were fine, our flight left in a little over a half hour and all we had to do was check our bags in and wander up to the gate... plenty of time, right? There weren't any lines, and the lady that we tried to check our bags in with told us we had to go to the check in kiosks first. Okay, whatever, never mind the fact that we checked in online and printed out our boarding passes. However, the kiosk took it's sweet time and in the end told us that it couldn't help us, that we had to go back to the original lady. By the time we got to her again, she told us that it was now 7:18, and we had missed the baggage check-in deadline by three minutes. Never mind the fact that she had just send us on a wild goose chase back at the freaking kiosk, all bags must be checked in no later than a half hour before departure. They would not help us at all. What a freaking joke. Matt went into panic attack mode. Basically that means that he cannot see anything other than the big honkin' peice of sky that he believes is falling directly and without delay upon his head. Amazingly it only lasted a few minutes, he suddenly decided that this was okay, that we weren't for some reason supposed to make that flight, and we figured out what else to do. Since Delta wouldn't let us use the return flight either (what a freaking joke they are, by the way), we decided that rather than pay the billion dollars in gas it would cost to drive my land cruiser, to just rent a car and drive that whole night. Expedia.com has amazing customer service, and a very nice lady switched our rental car around, called our hotel to hold our reservation and didn't charge us any sort of cancellation or penalty or anything. I love expedia.com. Boo Delta, yeah Expedia.
What a gift missing that flight turned out to be. I wanted that trip to be this nice romantic easy weekend, but Heavenly Father had a different plan. He knew we needed to have a hard, bonding experience, on that showed us again why we work so well together and how great a team we are. We talked that entire drive, arrived at like 4am, and had so much stinkin' fun together. It was crazy and stressful and hard and I loved every second of it. It was like one thing after another, first the Delta debaucle, then we got lost, then I knocked Matt's teeth out, then I yelled at little boys in the hallway at the hotel, then we got a contact high at the concert, blah, blah, blah. It was hilarious. On the way home, we got kind of sad thinking that we would be home soon and our adventure would no doubt end. Our daily life would probably not be so chaotic. And we have missed it. Don't get me wrong, life is crazy, but that was nuts. I think that the thing that made this amazing experience really stand out for me though was on Monday evening when Matt came home from work and gave me a big hug and said, "I missed you today." I missed him too, and that feeling was worth all that drama and more.

Ta da! No Boob cancer!!! Yeah!

Alright, I admit it, I suck at blogging. As much as I enjoy it (when I actually get around to doing it) I really have a hard time coming up with interesting things to write, the time to write and the sassy mindset in which I find that what I write comes out less boring. So today, at the nagging of Kirsten, bless her daily-blogging heart, I will attempt to rededicate myself to this lost part of my life. I actually do have good excuses, my computer being in the hospital and my phone being in the mortuary and the lump in my left breast and a chaotic family reunion and planning an elaborate going away party for Mrs. Utah being the main excuses. Well, I guess I just summed up what I've been up to, huh? That was easy. I guess I'm done. See ya!

Just kidding.

So yeah, lump. About that... I've been pretending that it wasn't there for about oh... eighteen months now. When I first found it, I was nursing, so I figured it was just a clogged duct or something, but then when I quit nursing and it was still there I kept forgetting the protocol on self-exams (is it best before or after your period? when was my last period? oh, wait I don't even really have them anymore because of my IUD) and after all that procrastination, I just realized that it seemed to be getting bigger, and could not be ignored anymore. Went to the doctor Monday, she thought it was probably just "fiberous breast tissue" which my mom has as well, but she wanted me to have and ultrasound on it anyway. So that was yesterday and it's fine, but it was just such a stinking emotional freakout time for me that I am totally drained. I found it better to stay busy and not think about it, and Matt kept telling me that it would be okay, which, while nice, made me want to scratch his eyeballs out for continuously bringing it up. But all is well now, and we did have some lovely conversations about what would happen if I died. I have decided that Matt would have to move to Idaho and pay Jozet and Kristy to raise Sawyer and make sure that he didn't remarry. That's the deal I came up with and since I was the one dying, I get my way!

My parents got their mission call Wednesday, I'm so excited for them, they'll be in the Taiwan Taipei Temple! They are so pumped! What rockstars. They enter the MTC October 15th, but the people taking care of their house need to move in sooner, so they are going to kind of use our guest room as a home base, and just roam around to my other sisters houses and maybe Yellowstone until October. How fun is that? I am actually very excited to have them, but am a bit concerned with what my fridge will look like while they're here. My mom saves seriously every single bit of food. And she doesn't believe in real tupperware, she likes to use old yogurt cups and reused tin foil to store things. She washes out ziplock baggies to use again. I may have to lay the law down about that. I cannot handle clutter, and looking in my fridge and having so much mismatched goolosh will seriously make me break out. My fridge is a scared place, a place where I know what exactly I plan to do with each little bit, and how long it has been in there. I clean it out once a week and wipe down all the shelves at least monthly. Plus, it's pretty, it was the one thing I really wanted, the bottom freezer is genius, and I love it. Moving on....

I am so excited about this girls trip we're taking in September! Alicia has this timeshare and we've got the NICEST hotel lined up down in Phoenix! It will be so stinking nice. I wish I could get my Ki(e)rsti(e)n friends to come with us. I understand why they aren't, but that doesn't mean I can't be pissed about them not coming. boo, whore.
I need to go get ready, I'm going to go help my parents clean their house when Sawyer wakes up. Remind me to write about Matt & I's remake of Planes, Trains & Automobiles.

Catch-up time

Holy crap, I am finally back into normal life enough from the pageant to even think about blogging. It was a little nutty there for a while. The pageant went better than I could have ever hoped. The whole day went really well, we rehearsed all day, and things just went really smoothly. The little break we had to get ready was totally stressless and fun; I took a second and went outside and listened to some Angels and Airwaves to kinda "get in the zone", and I just felt this amazing feeling of love from my Heavenly Father, like he was proud of me and that this experience would hold a gift for me. Anyway, the day before I had kind of decided that I would be a tad disappointed if I didn't make top ten. But when I didn't, I actually felt NO disappointment what so ever! I was excited for everyone who did, and felt so blessed to be a part of this great group of women. I sat and listened to the top ten do their on stage questions and actually felt really relieved to not be out there. Then when they called us back out for the final awards, I was so freaking shocked to be called up for the Mrs. Congeniality award! I have always thought that one of my weaknesses is meeting new people and coming off as a little snotty until I get to know people better. I'm not generally good at remembering names and making small talk and friends. I remember going to the orientation and giving myself a little pep talk out in the car before I went in that I could do it, I would go out of my way to make people feel comfortable and show an interest and not be self-conscious when I meet all these gorgeous ladies. Anyway, it seems to have worked, I am finally that person who can do that kind of stuff well. I find myself being more pleasant with people that I come in contact with everywhere, I'm not so stuck up. (most of the time at least) Anyway, I hardly realized that change in me until I looked back at the girl that started this pageant, and I feel so changed in so many ways it's hard to put my finger on exactly what has changed. I think that the Mrs. Congeniality award is one of the greatest honors I've ever been given. Then as soon as I got back up to my place on the risers after getting that award, they called my name again for Mrs. Photogenic!!! I hated my head shot so bad that I had pretty much taken myself out of the running for that one. The pageant staff & photographers voted for that one, and Kirsten and her dad were two of the photographers, and the other one couldn't have liked me that much because I didn't use any of the his pictures except for the head shot. Kirsten and Sherwood came up to me after the show and said that they didn't feel right about voting for me, ethically, so I don't know who did vote for me! weird. My sisters Kristy, Mandy & Jozet and her whole family came down from Idaho. Carrie, my parents, aunt Shirleen, Susie, Jen & her mom, Caroline & her friend, Stacey and Kim also all came to support me. It was awesome, I felt so loved. Most of us went to Winger's afterward, and it was so much fun! Apparently as Mrs. Congeniality, I get to plan the going away party for the new Mrs. Utah before she goes to nationals, so that should be fun to get us all together again. I got the judges score cards back, and some of the comments were that I was too young (lacked experience), that they could see my tape-on bra in my swimsuit, and that I lacked confidence in my interview. But those were the only negative things, and my overall standing was twelth. I loved this experience. Not going to do it again, but I loved it! This is a picture of me and the lovely 1st runner up, Laura Dugovic, one of the raddest people I've ever met.

Such A Sad Night

Well, it's the end of an era. I have been watching Gilmore Girls for 7 years, and tonight is the series finale. I have been putting watching it off for three hours now, I think I might drag it out for like a week, only watching a few minutes of it at a time. I think I'm going to cry. It's like breaking up with a really, really good friend that makes you laugh every tuesday night, and if you miss her during the rest of the week, she's always there waiting for you on ABC family. I always told Sawyer that we would watch it together so we could learn to be as witty and cute and funny as they are. Were. past tense. That sucks. Boo. The pageant is in like 2.5 days. Holy crap. I just got my hair re-blackened and cut, and I really love it. My face however has decided to go back to junior high and break out. good timing, eh? I'm feeling really good about everything for the pageant though, practicing my guts out on my walk and that dancing part, and tomorrow is my practice interview stats day as well as picking up my dresses from the alterations lady. I feel really ready and excited. I am sure I am going to freak out and get really nervous when I see the crowd, but right now things are good. :)

Great Googley Moogley!

I cannot believe how busy and crazy things have been lately! It's my own fault of course, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. A few weeks ago some friends from Matt's mission visited us from Austrailia, it was so much fun to have them, they are the best house guests, they seriously have it down to a science, and they are pretty cool as well! We had a lot of fun with them, their kids are so cute as well. Charlie really liked them too! We talked for a few days about going to see them over there in the spring, but a 13 hour flight with a 2 year old sounds pretty retched, and we'd like to be able to spend at least a few weeks if we're going to go that far. Then, Kirsten and I threw Alicia a baby shower last Friday with all the pageant ladies. Of course I felt obligated to make it a big fancy chocolate fountain and cheese fondue affair, so the food was kinda expensive and high maintainence, but other than that we kept it really simple. Then on Saturday we learned the choreography and walking patterns for the pageant, and while I don't think I was the least coordinated person there, I certainly need to practice the dancing portion ALOT! Anyway, I guess after most people left, Alicia (bless her heart) started hemoragging and her water broke somewhere in that whole process (at 29 weeks!) and now she's at the hospital on bed rest until they decide to C-section her after she's at least 32 weeks. I wish I knew what to do for her, it just sucks soooo bad. My pregnancy was so easy that I don't even know how to deal with complicated ones, she has placentia previa too. That would be so scary. I can't help but feel somewhat guilty about being a part of the pageant, because I think we've worked her too hard or something! Anyway, this Friday is Matt's birthday as well, and I'm trying to throw him a surprise BBQ party, but he is not making it easy for me, he keeps changing his mind about what he wants to do and I need him to not come home until like 6:30 or 7:00, and who knows what he'll actually do, and people are not RSVPing or offering to bring things. Which I didn't ask them to do, but it's looking like it'll get pretty expensive really quick. Then next Friday is the pageant. Holy cow. Then the weekend after that is Memorial Day and we are either going to St. George or the cabin. And then it's June and where the heck did spring go? In June Matt will finally get his birthday present, a trip to Denver over Father's day weekend complete with golf, spa, an MLB game and John Mayer concert. I'm sooo excited for that! Then in August, for my birthday Matt has organized a trip to the final 311 show of that tour in Seattle on my Bday, we'll fly in to Portland and rent a car, drive to Seattle and hang out there for 4 or 5 days. Susie and Sawyer are coming with us on that one, and I am soo excited to do that! We went to Washington last summer, but totally the wrong part and it was too much driving and we are making up for it on this trip. Anyway, lots of fun, busy stuff, I haven't really had anytime to thing deep, bloggable thoughts, so I guess I'll do that at a later date.

My Ad Page for the Pageant Book

here is the ad page we've designed for the Pageant book. Matt insisted that I use an old modeling picture. I was hesitant to do that because I didn't want to look like this lady in the book last year who used a 15 year old picture so that she looked younger. This is only 6 years old, but I hope no one asks about it. I am getting really anxious for the pageant, the interview is scary to me, and I'm sure that the opening number is going to put me over the edge. I'm trying to delete the idea that I'm not coordinated from my mind, I'm taking more choreographed classes at the gym to build my confidence, and I'm going to practice the hell out of it once I learn the moves. I am determined to not look like an idiot. No, not just that, I am determined to look really good. Dead on. I really, really want everyone to come support me. Everyone in the world. jk. I have never done many sports, or things that people come to, so I really, really, really want people to come to this one thing, make signs and go nuts. It would mean soooo much to me.

Family Pictures

Kirsten is the biggest rock star. I wish I was famous so that I could have a bit in my contracts about how she is the only photographer I will work with. Seriously, I showed these pictures to my parents and as soon as they saw them (in comparision to the other pictures we took with them on Monday) they said "oh, now that looks more like you." She just has "the eye", you know? And Sawyer looks like a little gap girl model. What a sweetie. It was really fun to spend time with Kirsten, and then after we took these pictures we went to the Melting Pot with Kirsten & Dave & Jake & Alicia and laughed our butts off, it was soooo much fun. Easter was awesome too, Sawyer picked up on the whole easter egg hunt thing really really quickly, and she loved the one we took her to on Saturday so much that I stayed up till 1 am setting up one for her to do on Sunday morning.

San Jorge

Oh my goodness, it's been an awfully long time, and I really shouldn't even try to blog right now because my brain is too tired to think of anything witty to write. My sister Mandy had a baby girl last week, that's exciting, her sixth. The named her Grace Nancy Lagerstrom, and I am really excited to meet her this weekend. Kirsten and her mom & I went down to St. George and had a rollicking good time. It was nice because now with kids its too hard to get any real quality time with each other, but when you're together for a few days it can actually happen every once in a while. It was pretty discouraging though because I am such an idiot for my routine. I thought I had grown out of my onery pants mostly, but geez Louise, if I don't get my workout in every day I am an irritable butt-head. It was hard because we only had one car and I will not do that again. I have to be able to go whenever I want. We slept over at Jake & Alicia's last Saturday night, which was fun for us, I'm not sure if they liked it or not. I feel like I'm in junior high again, that's how long it's been since I tried to make new friends, how dumb is that? They're kinda hard to read, but I like them so I don't care. :) Here is a picture of Sawyer watching A Bug's Life with Porter & Mason for the 18th time. Those boys are so stinking sweet. They just played so cute with Sawyer, I loved seeing them wrestle and hug and tease.

Today was a good day

Kirsten called this morning to invite us to go to "Pump it up" with her. This is a cool place, they have all these big blow up toys & slides & bounce houses, and because Sawyer is under 2 it was free for us. I'm going to have to bring Matt back there soon, because he would totally love it. It was really nice to have some time with Kirsten to myself. She had left Mason & Bennett with her mom because she needed to have some one on one time with Porter, but that actually made it easier for me to have some kinda one on one time with her & I LOVED it! Porter is turning into such a sweetie & it is cool to see how great of a mother Kirsten is as well. Then we went to Home Depot & got a bunch of plants & stuff, and then to the gym (I can finally do the "advanced" workout on the climbing wall without falling off, yeah for me!) and while Sawyer napped, I went outside and worked my butt off on the yard. I love doing that. I love working so hard on something so rewarding that time flies and you come back inside just bone-weary and stinky and a cold shower feels sooooo good. When Matt got home, we played in the backyard and it was so much fun to finally be outside having fun as a family. Apparently Sawyer worked up a thirst, because she started drinking out of Charlie's bowl after her bath. It was hard not to laugh and encourage her, cuz that is really gross, but I did get this funny picture.

Happy 311 Day!

such a big girl!

Sunday was technically the second time that Sawyer went to nursery, but it was the first time that when I picked her up she had a little picture that she had colored, and it really freaked me out. In a good way. I just remember being a nursery leader, and writing each kids name on their picture after they had colored it, and I never imagined that one day I would be the one to whom the picture was handed. It was very surreal to me. Anyway, you can't really see her coloring job here, but trust me, it's very cute, and she is the best little color-er ever. She lays down on her tummy & props herself up on her elbows. She's a kid now, I guess, not a baby. weird

bubble wrap is cool

I just wanted to post some pictures of what

my girl is doing lately. Look at how big she is, filling up the whole crib and all. She brings me her coats all the time, and wants to put them on, she's quite the little fashionista. And, oh, the wonders of bubblewrap! I forgot how much fun that stuff can be. I'm glad I have a little girl to remind me how cool the world is.

I found it, I found it HEEEE!

Can you tell me what movie that is from? Land Before Time. That's right, busting out the oldies. But I did find it, my evening gown, that is! I spontaneously picked my mom up today & told her she was coming with me to try on dresses. I have been obsessively looking on the internet at dresses, but I realized I wouldn't have any idea what I liked on myself until I actually tried some on in real life. But first went to see Matt & have lunch with him at his office, and as we were leaving we noticed this weird little building next to his office that said Prom & Pageant Gowns, so we went in against my very judgemental judgement of it's exterior looks. (kinda ghetto) What we found inside was actually a very, very cute little store with a myriad of lovely gowns! At first it looked like they were all poofy skirted promy types, but when I told the nice lady what I was doing & what I was looking for, she started pulling perfectly pageanty dresses out of the woodwork. It was love at first sight when I saw this one. The color looks amazing with my skin & hair color, and it seriously doesn't look cheesy with the added sleeveage/modestness. In the picture we've just kinda tucked the sleeves in kinda like they'll be, but it's going to look so much better when it's all done. Plus, it was so stinking cheap! I had kinda set a $400 budget for a gown, and this one is $250! What a blessing! I learned today how much Heavenly Father takes care of you when you decide to do what he has asked you to. Another nice thing about it is that my mom & I actually had a lot of fun. One good shopping experience together to balance out all of our past bad ones! I love her guts. Yeah!

this is tough

Momma looks like a maniac, and Sawyer's hair is out of control (as always) but we sure love each other. I really hope that we can hold onto the feelings we have for each other right now. Actually I hope it grows deeper as Sawyer & I grow & learn. I've been thinking about how to teach Sawyer so many different things; how to eat healthfully, how to love to be active, how to be kind and share, how to be honest in all she does, how to know how much her Heavenly Father loves her, how to receive answers to prayers, etc. I think I've realized that all I can do is teach her and set a good example (very important), but I've got to be able to give up the control that is so easy to want to have over your kids. You can't force them to learn these things, they are going to make tons of mistakes, and will definataley have to learn things by screwing up and dealing with the consequences. That's true parental love, being able to have the self-control to put aside your desire to force them to do right, and only guide them. That's the example that God has set for us. Think about it, don't you imagine any parent would have pulled out of the deal as they saw their child suffering like Christ did for us? But he knew that it would be a disservice of the hugest porportions to force any of us to do anything. To take away our free agency would be counterproductive. As a parent, that is probably the hardest thing we'll ever have to do, to sit by and watch as our kids make poor choices, knowing that it will cause them pain. Looking back though, I know I would never have become the person I am (who I kinda like) if my parents hadn't allowed me to make a certain number of mistakes (whether they actually knew about them or not). Because they have set such fantastic examples I was able to figure things out with before I really screwed things up. I can already tell that it's gonna be hard though.

the secret ain't no big secret

Dear ol' Oprah. Bless her heart. This whole whoopla about "The Secret" has really blown up since she had it on her show. Greg tried to let me in on it a LONG time ago, I think, but I just didn't take the time to order the DVD or whatever; but it is pretty powerful. The thing is though, it's just really living the gospel. As we strive to become more like Christ, our thoughts naturally will become more positive and less judgemental of ourselves as well as others. It is kind of putting the cart before the horse though, because until we have a true change of heart these won't be lasting changes. I guess you do kind of have to "fake it till you make it" though. I am subscribed to this digital scrapbooking newsletter that is amazing. The owner of the company, ScrapGirls.com writes a little "muse" everyday, basically a blog entry, and it is amazing how much you can connect with someone you've never met. Anyway, she talked about the secret today as well, and I decided to try it out, because it's worked for me in the past I realized. When I realized that I weighed 13 pounds LESS than before I got pregnant, I felt like such a rock star, my thoughts were full of gratitude for a strong body, I was proud every time I went to BodyPump and added weight. I felt so hot, and it just kind of fed off itself. I felt healthy, so I always ate healthy. I was really nourishing my body and it was reciprocating with becoming more and more healthy, and I didn't have to really even work at it. It wasn't until I decided to do the pageant that I started to feel like I needed to lose weight again, and things started sucking again. I was focusing on weight and I started to attract weight. Then I felt badly about myself and I started to treat Matt badly because somewhere inside I didn't feel like I deserved him, and I wanted to push him away!!! How messed up is that?? I even started to see it affect my realationship with Sawyer, I didn't feel like I was "playing my A game" with eating, and that spread out to my ability to be patient with Sawyer and I would find myself being fed up with her for the stupidest things! What a big freaking joke. It is a vicious cycle. Now, granted I would love to lose ten before I have to be in a swimsuit in front of 2000 people, but I am not going to think about that, I am rather going to be grateful that I am so fit, that I am 6 feet tall, that I have such a great gym to go to, that I have a supportive amazing husband, and that I have such an abundance of great healthy food available to me. I am so stinking blessed. I'm excited.