i'm kinda screaming inside

from excitement that is.


my husband is freaking amazing.

- Posted from my iPhone

it feels like i'm in high school again (and it's my fault)

i just unsubscribed from a whole ton of blogs that i had in my google reader. it feels ever so good. lately i have found myself feeling completely un-okay. like i will never be good enough, crafty enough, pretty enough, thin enough, well dressed, or organized, well-read or eloquent. i spend way too much time reading all these blogs, written by a bunch of different people who all have different skill sets, and then i combine all their skills into a single super-person that i hold myself up to for comparasion. obviously i come up short every time.
i am sick to death of it.
i don't knit.
i don't decorate my home flawlessly.
i don't clean my home flawlessly.
i don't clip coupons.
i don't upcycle the trash into darling craft projects for my kids.
i don't have much of a sense of style.
i don't plan parties.
i don't do my daughter's hair very well.
i don't have 2000 hits per day on my blog.
i don't write very well.
i don't make people laugh easily.
i don't inspire people.
i don't have very many original ideas.

i could make this list very, very long
but i won't, it's not very fun.

to sum this up, i'm not that girl. half the time i feel like i'm just treading water. some days i just write down things on my to do list after i've done them, just to make myself feel like i've actually accomplished something. it ususally goes like this:
get up. check
keep kids alive. check
feed kids. check
keep house from burning down. check
think about doing dishes. check
play on facebook. check
play bookworm. check
think about taking a shower. check

but guess what? i am really good at a few things too.
i am the girl who works out (hard) 5 days a week. (usually) and loves it.
i am the girl who has created a home & family that makes my kids feel secure & loved.
i am the girl who does her darndest to be a good primary president & make sure those sweet kids know that their Heavenly Father loves them.
i am the girl who has a great relationship with her husband because we work at it.
i am the girl who folds clothes like a champ.
i am the girl who is a really good friend to a few people. not too many. quality over quantity.
i am the girl who feels like a competent cook and a phenomenal baker.
i am the girl who is learning to keep a garden (to the complete shock of her father)
i am the girl who is learning to ask for help & delegate.
i am the girl who doesn't hold a grudge. (and not just because my memory sucks)
i am the girl who is quick to apologize to her kids & admit that she was way out of line.
i am a girl who keeps trying.

i guess my new year's resolution is to quit comparing myself to others.
but do you want to know what i'm keeping in my blogroll? (besides my friends & family blogs?)

among them are:
housewife on fire
the lola letters
sofia's primary ideas
rabidrunner
bird on the lawn
catch a fire
nienie
clover lane
our best bites
single dad laughing
color me katie

p.s. i don't understand why these links aren't working. i've tried fixing it like seven times. i'm sure you can figure it out.
these ones make me smile. they help me do the important, essential things better. it's time to cut out the crap, celeste. and it feels good.

I love me a good impulse buy

so, a few months ago I woke up & started my daily ritual of laying in bed reading scriptures, checking email & stalking blogs (not necessarily in that order. although that's what I aim for). when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a screaming deal on a silhouette digital cutter machine thing-a-gigger. I never knew they existed before this day, nor did I think I needed something like that prior, but it just looked too cool to pass up, and I had a bunch of cake money just sitting in my bank account. so i bought it. before i even got out of bed that day I had spent over $200. not too shabby.

and i have zero buyer's remorse. the thing is fully awwwesome (you have to say this like Rhino on Bolt).

last night i cut out a bunch of cute little cards to go with our neighbor gifts, little chubs of raw cookie dough for people to bake once the holiday junk food rush has subsided. they turned out so cute! I did four to a page, and how cool was it that instead of cutting them all out, I just had the silhouette perforate them so that I could just tear them apart?

Answer- super freaking cool.it's a bad picture, but I like how they turned out. another thing I did last night at 1 am was make a little vinyl reminder of my new dietary guidelines. I read this in a Women's Health article. It was all technical and scientific & written by a bunch of fancy nutritionists, but the last sentence was what I'm taking from it. This guy said "I think the best nutritional advice I've ever given was just seven words: Eat food. Not too much. Mostly Plants." I love it, so that's what went up on my wall. It's kinda cheeky and the vinyl is slightly crooked, but whatever.

The next thing I want to do with it is something with this cute saying from this darling cake plate I saw a Hip & Humble yesterday. (I swear you could not go into that store & spit without hitting something I want.)

anyway, it's been fun having a new toy. I need to try cutting out fabric with it. If it works, making those cute little applique onsies will become ridiculously easy.

oh Christmas tree oh Christmas tree

once upon a time I swore I would never have a fake tree. then came the pine needles and my anal retentive need to wrap the lights around each. and. every. limb. a prelit tree is much more betterer for my brain. so now I just buy the evergreen room spray from bath & body works, and everything is awesome. I love our tree. the other night Abram was gazing ever so lovingly at it, and I thought I’d try my hand at the impossibility of getting a decent picture of the tree & the boy. I am horrible at using my amazing Nikon’s manual settings, despite the fact that I have taken 3 photography classes & am great friends with some great photographers. Technically I understand the concept of f-stop, aperture, shutter speed & all that, but in real life I lack the ability to actually use that knowledge. Anyway, I love how these turned out, because at the shutter speed that I had to have it set at to get the glowy tree look, there was no way Abram was not going to turn out fuzzy, the dude does not hold still. it was very fitting for how his life has been so far. with sawyer I was constantly reading up on the next step in her development & anxiously waiting for her to achieve it. she couldn’t grow fast enough for me.

lame.

with abes I’m kind of freaking out over how quickly he is growing. He seems dead set on turning into a big gigantic man-person by the time he’s two. it’s like the Clifford the Big Red Dog book, the one where Emily Elizabeth first gets Clifford… each morning when he wakes up they are all shocked by how much he’s grown over night. that’s me every morning.

FAIL

since like August I've been scheming to redo Sawyer's bathroom. It was quite blah before, but now, after months of procrastinating & half-a**ing, it's a complete nightmare! I am so annoyed. I was trying to copy the marvelous girl's bathroom at House of Smiths, since our bathrooms are exactly the same I thought it would be a walk in the park. I forgot to factor in the fact that Cason & Shelley have clearly done a fair bit more DIYing that Matt & I. What a big freaking joke. Although I am a fan of the framed mirror. See their tutorial here. It was super easy, besides the 45 degree cuts, I did it all myself. Please forgive the disgusting state of the bathroom. I'd say it's not usually like this, but it is.
k, then I tried to do this, and ended up with this: My wrists still hurt from holding the trim up while the liquid nails dried. I was planning to make a cute design on my Silhouette machine to put inside those little rectangles, but is it even worth the trouble? I'm not a fan of the "botany beige" that I used because it's what I had gallons upon gallons of. The green really pops next to white. Beige... not so much. But I don't want to repaint everything.
It turns out that the wall in question is kinda bowed. Gooooo Ivory Homes! And then my dear sweet husband came along & tried to help & we got stuck with this: Bless his heart, but I surely didn't marry him for his mad handyman skills. Anyway, I'm frustrated. That crack was the last straw for me & now I'm not sure how to proceed. I just kinda cleaned it up & put away the caulk & putty & paint. I had made these darling ruffled towels, but it turns out that the towels I bought suck & every time I dry my hands on them my wedding ring pulls a six inch snag out of the towel. lovely. See? But the ruffles are cute, right? The only thing about the bathroom that I'm actually liking is the darling super soft bathrobe I made for Sawyer. Yes I made it. I am a sewer....I mean seamstress.
Basically I wish that some masked man would come in & take it all out & put up this wallpaper & these hooks (how darling would it be to put in a pic of Sawyer & one of Abes? maybe just their bums....hehehe) & this cabinet & countertop. (for the mere price of $1900 it can be yours! Gee, thanks Pottery Barn!) ok. well I'm sick of talking about this.
But seriously, what should I do? Is it as bad as I think it is? Anyone know a good dude who would love to come & mock me to scorn as he fixes up the crap I've done?

scott

okay, so i've been gone. gone to california and busy with my brother in law's funeral. yup. last friday afternoon, november 19th, matt's big brother had an accident while packing up some guns to take on a scouting trip. we are all still befuddled and shocked and very very sad. scott was a kind, generous, Christ-like man that sadly i wish i had known better. he left behind a wonderful wife and 3 lovely children. (read his obituary here) seeing kim's grace in the last week has been completely overwhelming. she comforts people. she forgives people. she makes it easy for people to awkwardly attempt to comfort & serve her. grace i tell ya. that's the only word for the amazing way she is handling this. it is a gift to witness. i'm so impressed with matt's family, they just circle the wagons & support & serve & love each other with a pure compassion that i've not had the opportunity to observe before. i am so blessed to have a) escaped certain tragedy in my previous marriage and b) these wonderful people, amazing souls that they each are as my family. oh and my husband. he's not too bad either. he's grown into a whole new level of man in the last 10 days; and he was awesome before. i'm so proud to know him, let alone be married to him. he is a gift.
scott's funeral was remarkable. a celebration of a life well lived. there was as much laughter as there were tears. their stake president may have called my mother-in-law "king of the crazies". from the podium. it was for sure a highlight. of my life.
i really meant to continue with the gratidude thing for the whole month, but just haven't been feeling it. not not feeling gratitude, not feeling blogging. i've been overwhelmed by gratitude, but it's more the kind that i write in my real journal, not trite little entries on a fluffy little blog. speaking of journals, i've been reading my grandma Attella's. my dad's mom. i never knew any of my grandparents, really, and it's been awesome to get a feel for the woman who raised my dad. quite a woman, that one.
i need to post about sawyer's birthday, our cali trip, thomas' mission call, thanksgiving, abes' newest accomplishments & decorating for Christmas. it might be a minute before i get around to it. or i may never. blogging isn't really high on my priority list at the moment.
time for bed.

November 9th

Today was Sawyer's 5th birthday and we were too busy partying it up and now I'm too tired to do the kind of post that my gigantic gratitude for her deserves, so I'll just leave it at that and do a bonus post tomorrow. But I think I know what my gratitude post will be about tomorrow, and it might have something to do with this:


Oh no! Now I've gone & spoiled the surprise! See ya, suckers!

- Posted from my iPhone

November 8th

tonight I'm grateful for clean sheets, freshly shaved legs & a hot bath.
oh! and bleach! I'm in love with the way my sheets smell after they've been washed with the good stuff.

November 7th

My one & only brother turned 33 (I think) today. Sometimes I think we were actually meant to be twins because I have a rather strong, sometimes irrational sibling love for him. We haven't been able to spend much time together during this particular stage in our lives, and bless our hearts, we both kinda suck at staying in touch by phone, but I hope he knows that I adore him & would do anything for him. After I got divorced I really relied on him to help me figure out what was next for me. We hung out a fair bit together at that time & I have great memories of talks we had. There was one odd birthday, I think I was 22, I had just broken up with a guy & was feeling like a loser, my awesome roommate Liz pulled a few of our friends together kinda last minute to take me out to dinner (cuz I had planned on boyfriend taking me out...) and Doug came along. So it was me, Liz, Lindy, some guy Liz was dating at the time, my old high school boyfriend whom I had recently re-friended and Doug. I remember looking around our strange little group & thinking that each of these people have come into my life for a reason ('cept maybe Liz's date, I can't even remember his name) and I'm so grateful for the role they've played. I don't really talk to any of the others anymore, but my big brother has always, and I'd venture to say, will always be there for me. He is such a great example of loyalty, patience, kindness & humility. I love love LOVE his laugh! It is seriously awesome. He is an amazing husband too. I guess that's what you get when you are raised with six sisters, each nuttier than the next, you kinda come to understand these hormonal weirdos known as women. Shannon is a lucky gal. (and he's pretty lucky to have her, too).
I love you Doug!
Happy Birthday!


- Posted from my iPhone

November 6th

Today is Abram's 1/2 birthday so I think it's fitting that he be the subject of my adoration today. Well, he's that everyday, but, you know.


We kinda had to work to get this kid here. Two miscarriages in a row along with lengthy periods of "trying" in between was not what I was expecting. The thing that sucks is that an estimated 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. I wish someone had told me that earlier. I could have avoided a shiload of thinking it was my fault. Anyway, he was totally worth every minute.


I firmly believe that the importance of the timing of his coming into our family is going to one day become evident & it will be awesome. He's such a strong little guy in so many ways. I'm so glad I was able to deliver him the way I did & the marvelous experience Matt & I had together.


Abram belongs with us beyond a shadow of a doubt. I love the way he is super alert & aware of everyone around him. I love how I could set a clock by his sweet little self. Right now he's up for two hours, nap for two hours, up for two hours, nap for two hours. By 8pm he's begging to be put to bed. Buddy likes his sleep. And his bath. And his sister.


Oh boy, does he like his sister. He absolutely lights up when he sees her. He turns immediately toward her voice. He giggles like a maniac at everything she does. He loves to play airplane, to suck his thumb through a sheet of my hair, his little monkey lovey and his little duplo farm.


This dude is predictable & easy to please. I lovelovelove how he goes to sleep. If I catch him at just the right time I'll lay him down, hand him his monkey & he just tucks it under his arm, rolls toward the wall & sticks his thumb in his mouth. "Peace out, Mom."


The dude is awesome. I'm super pumped to see his life unfold. I'm super grateful to be his momma.
- Posted from my iPhone

I'm thinking about doing THIS

to my hair. Gorge, right? Think I could pull it off?
I'm taking color, but obviously that style is amazing too.


- Posted from my iPhone

November 5th

whatever the generic of Wellbutrin XL is. That. I'm thankful for that. I think I used exercise as my antidepressant for a looooong time, it wasn't until after Sawyer was born & I was left with icky postpartum ickiness that I decided to supplement with a low dose of a lil somfin-somfin. Prozac worked but left me a cold-hearted, joyless, unaffectionate wench, so we messed around until we found what worked best.
This last week though, I accidentally let my prescription lapse. I just couldn't get in to pick the dang thing up, which is weird cuz I'm usually at Target at least every 36 hours, if not more frequently. At first I was thinking, "huh, maybe I can lay off the sauce, I'm doing ok". Not so much. $4 a month is totally worth it to not have self-defeating obsessive thoughts, to not want to lock my children in the bathroom, and to not randomly have fantasies of getting in a car accident and seeing my own brains splattered across the asphalt. I'd say that's the bargain of the decade, actually. One of my sisters manages great with an herbal supplement cocktail she has come up with, but for now I'm cool with, and extremely grateful for, popping a pill before bed every night.

GOOOOO SCIENCE!!! (double pump finger shake)


- Posted from my iPhone

November 4th

for fall leaves (and benedryl)

I consider myself more of a summer girl, but I cannot get over how beautiful it is around here this time of year! Today I met my sisters-in-law & Susie for lunch at a park & it was a gorgeous day. Beyond gorgeous Glorious.


Sawyer & Henry


had a lovely time piling up leaves to jump in,


making "leaf-angels",


trying to catch them as they fell,


and having icky allergic reactions to them.


And then we ditched this guy


(who is rather fond of his tractor) with his daddy while the girlies went to see So You Think You Can Dance!


Even this awkwardly smiling gal!


She loved every minute! But mental note to me: floor seats at an event like this are NOT where it's at.
Such a fun day!

- Posted from my iPhone

November 3rd

Once upon a time I (well we really) had the single greatest dog known to man. I'm still in love with her. I could be a fantastic actress because I can force a for real cry just by thinking about not having her anymore. I'm just grateful that we ever got to have her at all, but you can be sure that God & I are gonna have a sit-down about this BS known as allergies. Really? What is the point?
I think we have about six framed portraits of Charlie up on our walls thanks in part to the amazing Mrs Ashley Thalman.
We were so lucky to be the recipients of bruised shins from her freakishly muscular tail-wags; super blessed to have been able to sweep up insane amounts of hair on a daily basis. Things I once cursed I now find myself missing like mad. And I don't even want to think about Abes trying to learn to feed himself without her to clean my floors for me. (groan)
Sorry to mention her yet again, but no one reads this anyway, so so there!


- Posted from my iPhone

November 2nd

for a husband who always thinks of others first. Any others. Our family. His siblings & mom. My parents. His nieces & nephews. My siblings. Their kids. His friends & their families. People he works with. Our ward & neighborhood friends.... then maybe himself. Maybe.
Sometimes I get really mad because a lot (a LA-HA-HA-HAHOT) of the time people (myself included) don't fully appreciate and/or reciprocate. This guy would give you the shirt off his back & then carry you home.
There has never been a time that I have not been proud to be his wife, but there have been many times that I've wondered how I got so lucky or what I did to deserve him. Actually that's what I spend the better part of my day doing; wondering why he puts up with me.
Matt is also super, freakishly creative. His brother just had a baby, (well, Stacey was really the one doing the work...) and I wanted to make them some cute onesies, but couldn't think of what to make. Within ten minutes Matt had about six designs, this'n is my favorite.


And here is Mr. Sullivan Monroe Davis modeling the rocketship.


He also got a guitar


& an "I heart bluegrass" shirt.


So, do you see what I mean about the creativity? It's crazy. He's so much fun to be married to. Just for the FHEs alone...
Also he's hot.
I am a lucky gal indeed.


But about those onesies....you think anyone'd buy them if I set up an etsy shop or got them in some boutiques? What pricepoint would be good? What designs would you like fer yer kiddos?

- Posted from my iPhone

November gratitude

November 1st

That I don't have to wash my laundry by hand.

("plunge and scrub. Plunge and scrub." Name the movie.)


- Posted from my iPhone

i'm sorry, but, really?

How is it possible that Abram is this fetching cute?



Seriously?



He is entirely too edible.

I've got to do a proper Halloween post, but I cannot stop looking at his gorgeous face.
It's normal to want to swallow your children whole, right?

- Posted from my iPhone

niiiice

Sawyer is coloring in a coloring book during sacrament meeting. I looked over & noticed that Matt had added a few captions. I'm guessing he did it during one of our hypnobirthing classes.


If you can't read it, Smee is saying "cmon doc, induce that ho!". The big guy is saying "here comes your epidural Wendy", and the rather menacing guy with his hand over her mouth is saying "hold still! Western medicine will prevail!"
I love him.
- Posted from my iPhone

bwahhahaha!

I'm not incredibly into holiday decorating. Every holiday I look at blogs, darling darling blogs with their darling darling homegrown or thrifted or vintage but always copious decorations and for a few minutes I get all jealous & want to get my hiney to the nearest Target/DI/Taipan and go nuts. But then I think the one thought that brings me to my senses...."where in the heck do these people store all this crap 99% of the year?" I'm not a fan of storing crap. The artificial Christmas tree taking up half my overhead garage storage about puts me over the edge. But I do like an appropriate wreath for each season. I have a fall-ish one that I creep out for Halloween and then decreepify for thanksgiving, but this year my new across the street neighbor busted out the exact same wreath!!! The audacity!! So when I saw this idea I knew I had to snake it. I'm kinda stoked on how it turned out. And that it cost me a whopping $3 to make.


I already had the glittery trick or treat sign, I got that a few years ago post Halloween at Hip & Humble for like a buck or something stupid. The spiderweb stuff I already had, as well as the little plastic spiders. The straw wreath base was $3.99 at Hobby Lobby, then 50% off today, and the black tulle was a dollar. I wrapped an old copy of Happy Gilmore on VHS around the straw wreath, tied some tulle around part of it, strung the web across it & threw on the spiders. Done.

Oh. And Sawyer made this'n.


Cute, huh?

I am a lucky gal

I love the way Matt reads bedtime stories to Sawyer. Depending on the story, he picks an appropriate accent, Russian, Swedish, Aussie, British, Irish.... I love it! I think the Russian is my favorite.


- Posted from my iPhone

what has two thumbs & is what I'm grateful for today?

This guy right here!


Our newest nephew & soon to be the best friend/cousin of this guy right here


Now if we could just get the poor little dude off his IV & oxygen & come safely home so we can meet him.
We love you Sully!

- Posted from my iPhone

i was grateful yesterday for....

...my friend annetta.

everyone should have a friend like her. she's phenomenal. if i could choose my sisters, the very next person I would choose, after my actual sisters, would be her. I honestly think we were led to live in Layton so that we could meet her & her family.

Last week we found out Sawyer had broncitis, and so when Abes started wheezing & coughing I kinda freaked out. made a doctor appointment for him & spent the next few hours feeling like a crappy excuse for a mom. I've got 3, maybe 4 people on this planet that I'm responsible for & when half of them are sick, isn't that an indicator that I suck? that's what it felt like.
so when amazing annetta came by to pick up Sawyer for preschool (she does this three days a week so that I don't have to get Abram up, load him in the car, truck him in to the school while I walk Sawyer in... she's a lifesaver.) I mentioned that I'd be going to the doctor & was sure I'd be done in time to pick the kids up, the appointment was a whole hour & a half before I'd have to pick them up....
annetta said "nope, you won't. I'll pick up & take Sawyer to my house until you're done". See, she's a mom of 7... or sometimes 10, so she knows these things. And sure enough I wasn't done in time. not at all. we waited for an hour & ten minutes before the doctor showed his face for roughly three and half minutes. that's how long it took to figure out that abram had double ear infections. moms? is there anything worse than having a sick kid? i cannot imagine how awful it would be to have a kid in the hospital for an extended period of time. (shudder)

I feel like this is not making any sense at all

to summarize-
i felt like crap
i love annetta
i hate that i feel like crap for a mom sometimes
i hate that my yummy kids are sick
when i grow up i want to be like annetta. somehow she manages to be both the most spiritual person AND the most funny & down-to-earth person i've ever known. everytime i get to spend time with her i feel like i'm getting away with something, she's got so many people who love & need her that to even have lunch with her seems like such a blessing.

i'm so thankful to have supportive awesome people in my life.

tonights gratitude post is brought to you by sleep

and now I'ma go get some.

g'night.
(and here's a picture, Abram having a laundry basket bath because he's pretty much too big for his baby tub, but seems to have no interest in sitting by himself. Just because it's cute.)


- Posted from my iPhone

Mosiah is my favorite

Tonight I'm grateful for King Benjamin. Besides third Nephi chapter eleven, his address is my very, very most favoritest part of the Book of Mormon.





(I hope you can read that, it wouldn't let me copy & paste, but I can highlight & screen capture!)
If that's not the most humbling/encouraging thing ever, I don't know what is. I can almost hear him say it, and I love him for his logic & down-to-earthiness. Go re-read Mosiah, it's good stuff.

- Posted from my iPhone

starting that whole "gratitude" thing up again

Today I'm grateful for:
- being able to stay at home with my kids. Matt came home from work saying that at whatever restaurant he took clients to lunch today there was pumpkin cheesecake and he thought of me. This is a conversation we have quite often about how different our lives are during the day. By the end of the day, he wants to relax & be at home and I would like to get the heck out of here. He was saying he felt bad that I wasn't there to order the pumpkin cheesecake, but then I told him that I felt bad that he wasn't there to watch Sawyer come home from her friend's house & see that Abram was awake & spend the next half hour making him giggle like a crazy person. I think I won.


Plus laughing at your darling kids burns calories.... pumpkin cheesecake, not so much.

- Posted from my iPhone

Abram doing the worm

Abram has developed a very unique way of getting around, at least I've never seen a baby do it this way. He kinda goes up into a V, digging his head & toes in & then kicks out & kinda throws himself forward. It's hilarious. At least to us. I'm probably being one of those parents who thinks their kids are just amazing & the most unique individuals to walk the earth, but guess what? This is my blog. So there.



He does it three times in this video, the third one is the best one, but keep watching because then he throws a big old grin your way & that is soooo worth hanging around for. He went about 8 feet the other day using this method.

an apology

Dear Jeggings-
I'm so sorry I spent so much time hating your very existence, hating the very idea of you. It was stupid & judgmental and President Monson was right, we should not make judgements based solely on appearances. I'm so sorry. You are easily the most comfortable pants I have ever owned. You make my hamstrings look awesome & I don't have to pull you up every 10.5 seconds like all my other pants. You are nothing short of a miracle & I wish I had you in every conceivable color.
I love you, Jeggings, I honestly love you,
Please forgive me,
Celeste

Well THAT sucked.

Alright y'all, guess what my new calling is? I'd say it's probably what I would have voted "Most Likely to Induce a Full Blown Panic Attack". I am the new Primary President and I was not wrong about it's effect on me. I have so much more sympathy for Matt & his panic attacks now. I get it. Boy, do I get it.
Yesterday was my first Sharing Time. I had things prepared & ready to rock on Saturday night, then decided to run it by Matt as I was worried that it wouldn't catch (and keep) the kids' attention. We had an accord. Plan A was prolly more geared toward the ladies in Relief Society (which is funny cuz that's the calling I was secretly bucking for). Matt & I came up with a fantastic Plan B, but frankly it wasn't really sitting right with me, I couldn't get it to flow in my head & therefore couldn't imagine it going off without me getting sick all over the cute little Sunbeams in the front row. By the time our eleven o'clock Sacrament meeting started I was sweating profusely (in my gorgeous silk J Crew top, no less) and could barely fight the urge to run screaming out the door. Matt convinced me to at least wait until after the Sacrament had been passed to take off, then once it had he quietly packed up all our crap & kids & escorted his looney-tunes wife to the nearest empty classroom for a stern talking to. Now before you judge him (which of course if you had seen President Monson's talk in Women's conference you would never do anyway. How great is the prophet? Honestly. I can't believe I used to not absolutely adore him.) you should know that the past 24 hours of putting up with me had been... let's say "somewhat more challenging than normal". I think I was kinda possessed. Not quite to the level that we needed an exorcist, but close. I was just feeling completely worthless in every single capacity. WORTH.LESS. Incompetent. Stupid. White-trashy. Ugly. Zero short term memory. Bad hair. (oh goodness, horrible hair) Uninteresting. Nothing to contribute to my marriage, my children or anyone else's. Spoiled brat. Socially retarded. Unworthy of every good thing in my life. A person who has made extremely poor choices in her life & probably will do so for the rest of my life. Unable to communicate with her Heavenly Father....
All that & a bag of chips. At one point I even accused my husband of wanting me to be the "screwup" in our marriage. (Because, obviously, there has to be one in every marriage, right? Right?.... No? Oh.)
Apparently my issues are not buried very deeply.

Like I said, "Possessed of a devil."

So back to the stern talking to in room 14. I honestly don't know how the man puts up with me. And the most amazing thing is that he doesn't act like it's a chore, in fact he laughs his way through it, (something that used to anger me greatly). He let me work through my control issues & helped me figure out how I could make the lesson stick in my head & assured me that I was not, in fact, the most horrible excuse for a Primary President to ever walk the face of the earth.
It turned out great, I think, but wow, what a roller coaster. I had a two hour nap after church. Apparently it's exhausting to be that cookoo.
So the two or three of you who still read my ramblings and comment, (I love you Melissa!) don't bother saying "I have never thought you were white trash with bad hair", I'm fine. Things are ok. The moment has passed. I just wanted to document it so that next time it rolls around, I can read this & remember how quickly it passes & that I grow from these little jaunts outside my tiny little comfort zone. So yay for new callings!

(honestly though, you should know that I'm excited to do this calling & that my counselors (and my husband) are angels & are "fully awesome"! I'm so pumped to work with them.

Clover Lane is awesome & I want to live there too

I stalk a fair number of blogs. Some I know, some I only wish I knew, some I actually wish I didn't know (seriously. please tell me that I am not alone in this. There are some blogs that I can.not. stop reading, but they are decidedly not (as my mom would say) "uplifting".)

Anyway, there's this Sarah girl (woman really, mother of five) who I totally want to be like. I stole this little snippet from her post this morning, feel free to go here to get the whole thing in context.

"...So if this is all true, then I and I alone, have the power to create a spectacular day every single day. It's not that hard of a "recipe" to follow. It's not asking too much, it's not about what's going on OUTSIDE of myself...it's about me knowing that I have the power to feel like this everyday, no matter what it brings"

Now if that's not uplifting, I do not know what is. I honestly want to have it made into a gigantic vinyl (heaven forbid) and post it on my bathroom mirror, my front room wall, my television and my forehead. You know, just so I don't miss it.

Now I'm off to have an awesome day!

Facebook & I broke up today

I deleted the app from my phone. You'll be hearing a lot more from me. You see, we had to break up because I could not be trusted to not say stupid or incriminating things.
Open mouth, insert foot.
That has happened one too many times. Inadvertently offending loved ones, spilling secrets, being way too negative, and generally being obnoxious. (plus it's awkward when people say, "so, you sweat in a smiley face pattern, that's cool." Too many people know too many things that I did not tell them.)
Goodbye facebook. I will miss you, but I will decidedly not miss making an a@$ out of myself as frequently.


- Posted from my iPhone

something to pet

I have a lot of other things I need to be blogging about right now but since I always forget the funny things Sawyer says I feel like I need to write this one down before I forget.
yesterday when we were driving home from ballet sawyer said
"when my fish dies I want to take him to take him to that fish place instead of down the toilet."
"what fish place? The pet store?"
"no, no, the place with the red fishy sign"

McGrath's Fish House

"sweetie, that place is a restaurant, a place you go to eat fish, not to bury fish. Dead fish go down the toilet."
"oh, ok."

I could almost feel the deep thoughts swirling around the back seat.

"okay then how about I let you flush him down the toilet, but you buy me a hamster when he dies?"
"well, Daddy is probably allergic, because people that are allergic to cats are usually allergic to hamsters too."
"but I will just keep it in my room, in a cage, and never, ever let it out...."
"that doesn't sound like a very good life for a hamster, does it?"
With much heart-breaking sniffling and chin-quavering she manages to choke out: "but I just want something to pet..."

Me too, Bubs, me too.

I think this is really funny

Someone took the time & effort to embellish every single bike-path-rider dude in the town of Sandpoint Idaho. Love it!


- Posted from my iPhone

You say it's your birthday? It's my birthday too!

At 11:47 tonight I will officially turn 30. The Big 3-0. I've decided that thirty feels freeing. I think in your twenties there is a lot of pleasing other people, figuring out who you came here to be, what's important to you, you know, stuff like that. And now I'm pretty settled in those things & just want to move forward, progress & care less about what others think & more about what my Heavenly Father thinks. It feels good.
Yesterday Cyd, Matt, Sawyer, Abram & I went to breakie at The Original Pancake House. That place makes me happy.


Freaking yum. Having a family of five makes me happy. Cydney has been such a joy to have with us. After breakfast Cyd & Abram accompanied me to my hair appointment where my hair was throughly sexified by Elizabeth. Then we met back up with Matt & Sawyer and browsed the Nordstrom Rack. Got me some Meks. Yay for hot, long jeans! Then my cute boyfriend Matt took Mr Abram & I to the Melting Pot for dinner. Our waiter was awesome, our food was awesome, my hair & outfit were awesome, and I wouldn't have changed a thing about the entire day. Bliss. It was such a gorgeous night, we just drove around with the windows down & chatted. Then we went to Target & wandered the aisles, one of my favorite things to do. Once we got home & got kids to bed we tried to watch a movie called The Invention of Lying, but fell asleep halfway through, due to no fault of the movie, believe me. It is hilarious, and we'll try it again tonight, maybe start it before eleven, we are 30 now after all and can't be expected to stay awake through an entire motion picture. This morning I treated myself to one of these:


then my parents came to bring me a gift & flowers & a card. They are so sweet & make such a huge effort to show their love.
I'm such a lucky girl. Sawyer has been making good on her promise to not whine for my birthday. She's such a good gifter.
Anyway, I didn't intend for this post to be a play-by-play of my birthday celebrations. Rather I just feel so blessed at this time in my life & wanted to document how I feel at 30. There are so many things I never thought I'd do that I've done, experiences that have shaped my life that I'd never have sought out for myself. It's funny how God has other plans that bring more joy than we ever could have imagined with all our scheming.
Never thought I'd get married so young
Never thought I'd get divorced
Never thought I'd do accounting during most of my working years
Never thought I'd get to go to France during spring break
Never thought I'd graduate from college (not that I didn't want to, it's just that after getting divorced & whatnot, it just didn't seem in the cards)
Never thought I'd be able to go to so many great concerts & travel to so many amazing places
Never thought I'd still be friends with the pack of dorks I met at the bus stop in the first day of Jr High (I thank God for them everyday)
Never, ever, ever thought I'd do a pageant
Never even remotely wanted to do a drug-free birth
Never thought I'd be a wedding caker (although I think I'm about done, not worth the drama)

These are all things that have enriched my life, introduced me to amazing friends, or taught me remarkable lessons. I used to be a very regular Reader's Digest reader. When I was probably 11 or 12 I ripped a little story out of one that I've saved ever since. It describes a boy who had a dream of how he wanted his life to go. How many kids & what each would be like, what his wife would look like, his career, home, every detail was mapped out, he planned & made goals to achieve everything, then he told God about his plan. God said "that sounds like a nice plan, I want you to be happy." So the man went about his life just certain that it all would work out like he wanted. He goes about his life & then one day he remembered his dream & became very sad. He spoke to his wife, his pastor, his friends, his accountant, anyone who would listen, trying to understand why things didn't work out like he'd wanted. Then one night he pours his heart out to God telling him how disappointed he is that He didn't help him out with his dream "why didn't you give me the things I wanted?" God replies "why didn't you give me what I wanted?". It had never occurred to the man that God was in want of anything. "I wanted you to be happy" God said. God then points out the beautiful life that He had provided for the man, things that far exceeded the dream that the man had for himself. So the man decides to enjoy & rejoice in the life he has & in the fact that God had tailor made it for him with his knowledge of what would really make the man happy.
I love that story. It's so simply written & a beautiful reminder of the fact that we always do better when we place our trust in him & his love for us.
I'm so grateful that He knows me better, that He forgives me better & loves me better than I'll ever know.
Here's to another decade of trying to remember that better.

- Posted from my iPhone